Hospital,NG,ECT,Special-update!

Well its been awhile.

My last update i was starting day hospital. 

I completed three weeks of it afterwhich i took a serious paracetamol overdose which almost resulted in me needing a liver transplant. I was very lucky to have survived and im greatful for all the help and support i was given during this time.

I know suicide is selfish but i honestly saw no other way out of this hell and not just for me but for the people who still unbelivabley care about me.

Once i was physically better i was admitted to the physch ward for a short period of time and then went home feeling more hopeful and regretting what i did.

However that didnt last long.

Ive been back in hospital over two months now on a NG feed and 24/7 nurse. Ive also been undergoing a course of ECT.

I have to admit im more fighting againest them then working with them. Any chance i get i turn off the feed and taking food orally is an ordeal.

Anytime i eat i feel like i have to punish myself in some way so they are doing room checks four times a day as one night i wrapped a cord around my neck and turned blue they had to cut me free. When i write about this it doesnt feel like me,like i would do these crazy things but i just cant help myself.

Ive also been having problems with very low glucose levels and needing glycogen injections and glucose ivs regularly to stop me going into a coma.

Yesterday they wheeled me down to the coffee shop for a break from the ward as i was too weak to walk and the ECT left me in so much pain. I had three visitors today which was a nice distraction.

Getting tied now but will write again soon.

Thank u to anyone/everyone who still believed in me without u i would long have given up.

All my love,

Aoifs xxx

Day one-a fresh start!

Today is day one of my new meal plan.

I asked for it.

I told my team i wanted to gain weight and wanted them to give me a target weight.

Since coming out of hospital ive been just kind of floating...not really committed to change. 

But today that changes!!!

For bloody good!

I havent felt so ill in a long time and its all self inflicted!

My laxative abuse is out of control but i am going cold turkey as and from today.

I feel weridly excited!

Excited not to wake up in pain.

Excited not to feel dizzy and faint.

Excited to have energy again.

Excited i have premission to eat a certain amount,its like i have to do it,i have no choice,i signed a contract with my dietician,felt like i was signing my life away but infact its the complete opposite! Im going to gain my life back.

If after Day Hospital ends im still struggling i will go back into hospital and do the complete eating disorder programme and i told my docter if that happens that no matter what i say dont let me discharge myself until i am at a healthy happy weight.

But actually im feeling so determined i think im going to be able to do this at home.

Im not an idiot,i know there will be slip ups but everyone has them no matter what the situation and the important thing is to learn from them and move on.

I am done with being ill and miserable and missing out on all the fun things life has to offer.

I am so lucky in so many ways,its time i really realised that.

So here goes! Now im off to have dinner! Wish me luck!!!

Love Aoife x

London and eating and not eating and potassium and stuff...

Hmmm now where did i leave off?

I went out to dinner with my friends and not only survived it,bloody enjoyed it too.

It wasnt until the next day the guilt set in when i stepped on the scales and saw the number rise ever so slightly.

I know i know i should throw away the scale! But i simply cannot cope without knowing the number. Ive really tried to break this habit but so far i am losing.

I was reduced to the usual ed behaviours in order to lose the offending weight.

Then on Monday i flew to London.

I knew before i went i wasnt feeling top notch but has that ever stopped me before?

In fairness im usually pretty good at knowing if im going to be ok or if im going to end up in a&e and i made it home in one piece today despite the hospital calling me while i was away to tell my potassium levels were quite low. Now any sensible person would go eat a few bananas and go get their bloods checked...me? I ate the banana,then purged the banana,then took laxatives.

FFS.

I know i am a prize idiot.

I know its ME doing these things.

I am in control.

But like ive said many times i feel very out of control.

Or is it that im so very controlled its out of control...

ok now im rambling...

I have an appointment with my doc and dietician on wednesday and im really going to try and take care and try and keep all behaviours as low key as possible.

Another one of the joys of anorexia is Osteopina which i think is what is causing me so much back ache recently. Im due another bone scan soon and im curious to see what the results will be and has the osteopina actually got worse or is it just coincidance.

I have to mention i spent time with my amazing niece,brother and sis in law while i was in London and it was the hightlight of my trip.

Now time for bed...what else would a 28 year old be doing on a saturday night at 7.30pm?

;)

Love Aoife x

Its been awhile...

Well its been over two months now and im still in hospital.

Alot has happened.

None of which im proud of.

But which i will talk about because i think its important to give some sort of understanding.

I completed my course of ECT but it didnt help that much if im honest.

I stopped eating after awhile of refeeding and was threatened with the NG tube once again. With this threat i began slowly increasing my calorie intake and managed to avoid it.

I started gaining weight again and have gained a considerable amount of weight.

With this i became extremely depressed.

I have a vague recolection of running out of the hospital (in my pj's) over to tesco and the chemist to buy paracetamol with the intention of making the pain go away.

A nurse found me and brought me back to the hospital where i was out on 24/7 watch.

I cant explain the utter frustration at this.

Yes this was my fault. I put myself in this position,

But i just wanted to go asleep and not wake up.

I didnt mean for this to happen.

I didnt want to hurt anyone. I thought i was doing everyone a favour.

Today i write this from my own bed as im on overnight leave.

I am eating well,i am much healthier,i am in the middle of swapping medications,i have no suicidal thoughts.

However i am very much stuck.

Yes i am eating. But for one reason. To get out of hospital.

The day i get discharged im joining the gym and sticking to 650 calories.

I dont want to go back to that life but i cant live in this body.

My choice is lose weight or end it all.

The last thing i want to do is hurt my amazing family and friends but i honestly cannot find my way out of this misery.

So for now i am safe,eating,gaining weight and having hours out,

Discharge will be soon hopefully and my plan will have to be put into place.

Its pains me to say that.

I want to tell u i can stay the way i am in the body im in but it is slowly tearing me apart...

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and those of you who have stuck by me are truely amazing,

Aoifs xxx

Feel the fear...

...and do it anyway.

And that is what i have done today.

Three meals.

My tummy round and bulging.

A food baby.

Its not getting any easier.

They wont tell me my weight.

I imagine i have gained an awful lot.

Much more than i can deal with.

Surely i should know my weight that way i wont get too much of a shock when i do eventually get to weigh myself?

And why does it even matter so much?

Why do i care so much?

I dont judge any of my friends on their weight.

I swear i dont.

Why do i think they would do it to me?

I imagine they are repulsed by what they see and cant help but be disgusted by my size.

What are they going to think if i keep getting bigger and bigger?

What if i lose all control???

Hospital life

Three weeks in hospital today and everything is okay.

My next tribunal isnt for 3 months but Dr M says she will discharge me way before then :)

Im still on the NG but not using it as much as i have been eating a little.

That feeling of food in my tummy is one of the worst feelings there is,i long to be empty again,to feel hunger...

Im trying to stick to some sort of meal plan but i dont know how long i can keep it up for.The only thing that makes me feel better is starving and losing weight. I feel disgusting eating. I dont want to do it but its the only way out. And i know i cant stop again as soon as i get out or ill end up back in. I have to find some sort of middle ground.

I dont just want a quick fix. I need to do this properly somehow.

I have no idea how...

Round and round she goes...

Yet again i have ended up in hospital.

My 3rd admission this year...nothing to be proud of.

I am disappointed in myself.

That i let this happen again.

After my last admission i was eating well and continued to gain weight.

I reached my highest weight in years and sheer panic took over and i stopped eating.

My weight became unstable,my bloods became unstable and i became unstable.

Afraid to leave the house for what people may think of my weight gain.

So here i am back on the psych ward and back on a NG tube under section.

I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed.

But...id rather be honest than keep hiding away.

Im having ECT treatment again and after only one session it is helping already.

Im getting tube fed 20 hours a day and expected to eat on top of that which really seems near impossible. I am managing little bits now which is some improvement but each mouthful is full of guilt.

I know i will bounce back from this as i usually do...but how long for? And is it worth it?

I just dont know anymore...

xxx

Back in action...

So its been awhile!

A few days after i wrote my last post i was admitted to a medical ward with dangerously low potassium and magnesium levels. I was getting chest pain,palpations,dizziness and pins and needles. After two potassium drips,several ECGs and a heart monitor i was stable enough to be moved to the psych ward. My weight loss continued at a fast pace and soon enough i was on an NG tube.

My admission lasted only 5 weeks with my team saying they had done all they can for me as an inpatient and the power to change is in my hands.

I will see them twice a week and i am sticking to a reasonable meal plan.

Something is different this time though. I dont want to just get by or keep my weight at this level,i want to get to a healthy weight and be healthy in mind and body for once.

Im determined to slowly get there.

I want to put anorexia behind me.

So ive got a month to see how i do and if i cant stick to the meal plan or if i am losing weight im going to do a full inpatient eating disorder programme and committ however long it takes and whatever it takes for me to be completely healthy again.

For the moment im trying to do it on the outside and have got a fab holiday with the girls coming up next weekend. Im going to try and go away and leave anorexia at home if at all possible.

So thats the plan!

Sorry ive havent got to write in ages,hopefully i will keep it up now im back.

Lots of love from Aoifs xxx

Not so much a goodbye...

...more of a 'see you soon'.

Thats kind of how therapy ended yesterday.

We agreed i would have some time out until the 2nd of July and go from there.

I would have liked longer.

Like forever perhaps!!!

I see Dr.M on friday morning and will then find out how long i can have a break from seeing her for. I know some people think im doing the wrong thing and maybe i am but its my mistake to make. I really feel this is a move in the right direction. I feel i have been given everything the hospital can give and taken everything from it over the years...its time i go it alone and see what happens. 

I might fall apart,i might not. I just know im sick of being a sick person. Of going to that hospital twice a week. Of seeing the same people there week after week,month after month,even year after year. I AM one of THOSE people and i dont want to be anymore.

I know of course i am not 'recovered' but i am a million times closer and thats good enough for me for the moment.

I am living life,I am out on my own,im going away,im meeting friends,im going to college,im not sitting at home in bed not eating all day and that to me is something truely amazing.

I dont by any means think everyone should take a break from treatment,but i do think theres a time and place and this is my time.

I hope people who are reading this understand my decision and thank you for all of you who support me,it gives me another reason to keep going.

Take care lovelies xxx

Home sweet home x

Discharged.

Medically stable.

Emotionally? 

Maybe not so much!!!

But better.

Definitely better.

I think the right dose of meds are finally kicking in and not a moment too soon.

So im home.

Im alive.

What now?

For the moment im going to the hospital twice a week.

Im trying to get out with friends for coffee.

I quit my job the day i overdosed.

I missed the start of my course as i was in hospital.

I have no idea what to do with life.

Getting on a bus and going into town is almost a challenge in itself.

I realise that must sound pathetic to most.

But hopefully some will understand.

Food is a whole other issue.

The anorexia is strong as hell right now.

And im just letting it happen.

I tried the day i got home from hospital to challenge it but the guilt eats me up. Pardon the pun.

I AM eating. Just not so much. And compensating when i am.

I want so much to eat well. Im hungry. Starving. And thats hard to admitt.

But im not allowed to eat what my body needs.

Im simply not allowed.

I'll leave on a more positive note-

"Nothing in the world is impossible the word itself says Im Possible."Audrey Hepburn.

Love Aoifs xXx

One more shot x

As a 14 year old teenager i didnt really know all that much about eating disorders. Little did i know i was soon to become an expert.

It started ever so slowly. Sneaking its way in.

I had recently found out my mum had terminal cancer. She was going to die. I thought maybe if i got sick i would die too. I thought maybe i couldnt live without her. I thought maybe if i starved myself i could go with her. Never thinking for a moment about my poor dad.

And so it started.

I stopped eating at school. Started skipping breakfast. Cutting back on 'bad' foods. It gave me something to focus on. Something i could control. It broke my heart my mum was dying and there was nothing in the world i could do to stop it.

My mum was depressed,drinking too much and had taken overdoses far too many times to count. I didnt understand it at the time. I do now. She was in pain and must have been terrified. It was her way of coping. Not a very good way,but still.

In february 2001 i had my first hospital admission,one of many more to come. I did as i was told. I ate and i gainned weight and i was sent home at healther weight at the beginning of April. If only that was the end to it...

On the 25th of May that year mum died leaving behind broken hearts.

I still to this day find it all rather uncomfortable to talk about.

Anorexia may not have killed me but i soon realised it served a purpose. It was my friend. It blocked out the pain. Numbed me. In september that year i purged for the first time. I would just do it from time to time when i felt the need. I liked the empty feeling. But soon enough purging became a daily occurance. That coupled with my restricting and my weight dropped again.

I started going to the Marino therapy centre each week. I went for 10 months,it didnt help all that much infact i was worse when i left there. After the leaving cert i started seeing a new GP who was lovely but didnt know what to do with me. She eventually referred me to St. Vincints hospital in 2004 where i currently am as i type this being tube fed and on bedrest weighing 33kg. Still much too heavy for my anorexic mind.

Since 2004 i have been in and out of hospital too many times to mention,stuck in a dangerous cycle going round and round in circles. I wont lie and say im 100% dedicated to recovery because i am not....i want to be but the anorexia is strong and is all consuming. With every ounce i gain my head screams at me to lose it again. But i think/hope i have enough motivation and determination to recover this time. I have an AMAZING docter and a wonderful team to help and support me and i am trying my best to make the most of it.

I finally feel i might be ready to slowly let go of anorexia and not only gain weight back but gain my life back.

I want a LIFE. I have wasted so much time but learnt alot along the way and in many ways i am already streets ahead of where i was a few years ago.

I have plans now. To get to a weight where i can feel comfortable and function at. To be as healthy as possible. To start driving again. To go out with friends more. To have a boyfriend. To move out. To get a job. And my favourite one to begin my fashion course in the Dublin Institute of Design.

I know what i have to do if i want all those things...but i am terrified....

'Those who are afraid to fall will never fly.'