26th Birthday Blues x

Ive missed writing.

I choose not to write for awhile as to be honest I was too busy embracing recovery,learning to live again and loving life...but at the moment im having a blip and need somewhere to vent so i guess thats what brings me back here.

Things were going so well,so well i could hardly believe it was my life. Anorexia never left me as such but i was able to function again and build a life and i felt...happy. Then a little while ago i was getting stressed over a few things mainly work and a personal issue and i started starving through the day and eating too much in the evening because i was just so hungry. The eating so much in the evenings scared me. Terrified me infact and i longed to gain control again. But i didnt really do anything about it until recently.

I had an amazing weekend away in Edinburgh with my friends and it was good to just be 'normal' and eat 'normal'. The day i got home i weighed myself and discovered i was the heaviest i have been in literally years. That day I gave up work and college and fell straight into relapse mode. In two weeks i was down 12 pounds and high as a kite in one way and desperately depressed in another. That initial buzz u get from losing weight,pushing me past the hunger pains. The number on the scales going lower,my jeans getting loser,the eating disorder part of me loved this. But the real me is scared.

Then on my 26th birthday I had an appointment with my psych and dietician. They wanted to admit me that day for a short term admission. I told them i would do everything i could to get back on track if i could stay at home,so i was allowed home with a meal plan and higher dosage of meds and to be reviewed on Friday.

Todays Monday....i have been eating much better. I dont feel much better. A huge part of me feels ive never taken my anorexia far enough. I havent pushed my body far enough. I havent suffered enough. I havent got my weight low enough. I havent been ill enough. And then i know only 9 months ago i was told i could drop dead at any stage and i was a heart attack waiting to happen. But even then. ITS NOT ENOUGH.

I dont know how i have anyone left in my life. Even this post is so self absorbed and pathetic. I deserve to be alone xxx

What a difference x

5stone3pounds- a smile that hides the misery.

                                                         6stone8pounds- a real smile

Its only now looking back at photos i can see how ill i was and how much healthier i am now. That first picture isnt ME it is pure anorexia and it scares me. I saw my therapist A today and cried...cried because i am scared of relapse. I can say from my heart i never want to fall into the grips of anorexia again. Sure i have days where i feel fat and huge etc but i am beginning to LIVE and guess what? Its pretty damn good.

I find it hard to accept the weight gain but i guess most girls are the same if their weight goes up from time to time,us girls are never happy are we? LOL.

Life is far too short to let an ed rule your life. Please anyone who is reading this and needs help,go for it. It is so worth the fight. During recovery its not just weight u gain,its your health,friends,partners,jobs,college, pretty much your whole life.And it is so much more exciting than counting calories ;o)

'Ive had a taste of paradise,thats all i really need to make me stay...i wont look back.'

xxx

Discharged :-) x

Home sweet home.

Veryyyyyy Happy Aoifs :-)

Its been a tough 12 weeks and its now the real work begins! I have gone from 5 stone to 6 stone and am on a mission to get to 7 stone in time. I know deep down this is a good healthy thing but anorexia still consumes much of my thoughts and wants me to lose instead of continuing to gain. It really is so nice to be home but with it comes a lot of ups and downs and responsibility. Im so scared of messing things up again but i wont dwell on that,im trying to just concentrate on slowly moving forward and so far so good.

Off to Lanzarote on sunday :-) If it rains,i may cry! LOL! I want the sunshine!!!

Im going to start taking photos again,probably mostly of clothes/outfits etc to post here. I want this to be a place where i can vent about recovery but also fashion,i dont expect many people to follow it or anything,i think its just nice to have and it will give me something to do. Which reminds me. I have been clearing out my wardrobes and i have 8 black bags of clothes,shoes and bags that i dont want anymore. Most in excellant condition. Usually i would give it all to charity but im trying to make some cash so if anyone has any ideas where i could sell them (apart from ebay) please let me know.

Getting my hair done tomorrow,back to blonde i go!!! xxx

A sunny spell x

Hi guys!

What is with all the sunshine? Im LOVING it! Time to bring the maxi dresses back to life :o)

So since i got off bedrest life has got so much brighter! I had a long weekend at home which mostly went very well,then i had a mid week overnight and im getting weekend leave again tomorrow lol basically im at home more than im here now which is bloody fanfuckingtastic :o)

I wont pretend its easy and everything is wonderful cause its still such hard work but im getting there and im having fun as i do it! Im struggling big time with the weight gain and panic when i think how much more i have to gain but at least i can do it at my own pace (within reason) and it will be gradual and easier to deal with...thats what im hoping anyway!!!

I know im not at a healthy weight but i am at a safe weight and my docter is happy with that and so am i. I have every intention of full recovery but im not going to rush it even if some people think i should. We are all different and different things work for different people. I know alot of people still think 'heard it all before aoifs' and i dont blame them but i cant please everyone and make them believe me,i guess with time i will prove it to them.

Anyway i have been hitting the shops BIG STYLE since ive been out and having a ball! Have to say Penneys and Dunnes are on the money right now got some lovely stuff in there and they are great to mix with more highstreet stores. I have most definitely been feeding my addiction on summer bits and bobs as on the 15th of may im going to Lanzarote for two weeks with my friend S! Excited much? Eh YES!

One of my friends from here is pretty ill right now,she is trying so hard but i can see the pain on her face and i just want to make her better,i want her to feel how i feel now. I want her to be able smile again. And i just dont know if theres anything i can do only make sure she knows im here if and when she needs someone who understands. I can see anorexia destroying her just as it did me and i just hope to god she can get through this....maybe this is how some of my friends have felt when im unwell? I dont really believe that though cause i dont think that many of them care anymore as i have been sick so long and not been a good friend to them so really dont deserve them. Its really only friends with eds that bother with me at this stage,im greatful i at least have someone who cares,some people have no one in their world so i am lucky really.

I WILL be a better friend xxx