Day one-a fresh start!

Today is day one of my new meal plan.

I asked for it.

I told my team i wanted to gain weight and wanted them to give me a target weight.

Since coming out of hospital ive been just kind of floating...not really committed to change. 

But today that changes!!!

For bloody good!

I havent felt so ill in a long time and its all self inflicted!

My laxative abuse is out of control but i am going cold turkey as and from today.

I feel weridly excited!

Excited not to wake up in pain.

Excited not to feel dizzy and faint.

Excited to have energy again.

Excited i have premission to eat a certain amount,its like i have to do it,i have no choice,i signed a contract with my dietician,felt like i was signing my life away but infact its the complete opposite! Im going to gain my life back.

If after Day Hospital ends im still struggling i will go back into hospital and do the complete eating disorder programme and i told my docter if that happens that no matter what i say dont let me discharge myself until i am at a healthy happy weight.

But actually im feeling so determined i think im going to be able to do this at home.

Im not an idiot,i know there will be slip ups but everyone has them no matter what the situation and the important thing is to learn from them and move on.

I am done with being ill and miserable and missing out on all the fun things life has to offer.

I am so lucky in so many ways,its time i really realised that.

So here goes! Now im off to have dinner! Wish me luck!!!

Love Aoife x

Distraction x

I dont know what i want to write but i need to write.

Ive just had a little something to eat and need distraction fast.

I saw T at the hospital today,i cried so much i felt drained after the time we spent together.

She encouraged this outburst of tears,much to my surprise and said it was a good thing to let it all out.

The thing is i dont know what exactly i was letting out.

I felt a bit better afterwards so perhaps she was right. She usually is.

I told her i wouldnt be missed if i was to die. That it would be a relief to people. I cause pain. Remove me,remove the pain.

She said she would be heartbroken if i died. That my dad would never get over it.

I say im more of a burden to people than anything else.

I honestly dont know whats true.

But hey,another day has passed. Made it!!! ;)

Love Aoife x

So angry...

...at myself.

I was only angry at my friend because she spoke the truth.

Anorexia is an illness we do not choose,but we can choose to recover. The thing is i WANT to recover,i just dont want to eat. Well i DO want to eat more than anything but cant handle the way it makes me feel and the way it makes my body look.

And im scared of what recovery means.

But i guess everyone in my position would feel similarly?

Tonight im going to eat something safe and keep it down.

Thats the choice im making.

And maybe with little steps like this they could turn into bigger ones...

Its been awhile...

Well its been over two months now and im still in hospital.

Alot has happened.

None of which im proud of.

But which i will talk about because i think its important to give some sort of understanding.

I completed my course of ECT but it didnt help that much if im honest.

I stopped eating after awhile of refeeding and was threatened with the NG tube once again. With this threat i began slowly increasing my calorie intake and managed to avoid it.

I started gaining weight again and have gained a considerable amount of weight.

With this i became extremely depressed.

I have a vague recolection of running out of the hospital (in my pj's) over to tesco and the chemist to buy paracetamol with the intention of making the pain go away.

A nurse found me and brought me back to the hospital where i was out on 24/7 watch.

I cant explain the utter frustration at this.

Yes this was my fault. I put myself in this position,

But i just wanted to go asleep and not wake up.

I didnt mean for this to happen.

I didnt want to hurt anyone. I thought i was doing everyone a favour.

Today i write this from my own bed as im on overnight leave.

I am eating well,i am much healthier,i am in the middle of swapping medications,i have no suicidal thoughts.

However i am very much stuck.

Yes i am eating. But for one reason. To get out of hospital.

The day i get discharged im joining the gym and sticking to 650 calories.

I dont want to go back to that life but i cant live in this body.

My choice is lose weight or end it all.

The last thing i want to do is hurt my amazing family and friends but i honestly cannot find my way out of this misery.

So for now i am safe,eating,gaining weight and having hours out,

Discharge will be soon hopefully and my plan will have to be put into place.

Its pains me to say that.

I want to tell u i can stay the way i am in the body im in but it is slowly tearing me apart...

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and those of you who have stuck by me are truely amazing,

Aoifs xxx

Today is hard...

Its just one of those days.

Dad is away and i seem to fall apart on my own. Its only been 24 hours and everything seems too much. Eating is impossible. I feel like crying but im afraid i wont stop.

Im doing the best i have ever done with recovery. My weight is steadily increasing and im eating well with little or no behaviours.

I couldnt have done this living alone. I am so happy to be living back home.

Its days like today that make me realise i made the right decision.

Even though it feels like a failure in a way.

Now i LOOK normal,i feel i should ACT normal,but i dont FEEL normal...if that makes sense.

I expect everyone thinks i am fine now because i look fine when inside i am so scared.

Scared of the future. I imagine everyone feels this way at some stage,its just when i usually feel it i run back into the arms of anorexia. And i cant...wont...do that this time.

The easy thing to do would be to go back.

Im not going to take the easy route.

No matter how scared and overwhelmed i may be.

The weight gain is extremely difficult to get used to. I feel utter disgust at my body at the moment and i havent even reached my target weight yet. It seems ridiculous i could still have more to gain. Its so hard. A layer of fat now covers where my bones used to protrude. My tummy sticks out. My face is round. I can pinch the flesh around the tops of my arms.

I cant actually bare to think about it...

I have to chose what course to do at the end of September and i am at a loss.

I am really just doing a course because i think its expected of me now im well enough to study.

Dad is giving me no pressure whats so ever to go back to college,he thinks i should just catch up on life and all the fun ive missed out on over the years. But hey that doesnt pay the bills does it? ;o)

More than anything i need something to occupy my time.

Im joining the gym when i return home from London and plan to go most days so that will give me a purpose to get out of the house. And were also going to get a little dog again i think,mans best friend and all that!

So i do have plenty to look forward to.

Just got to keep swimming......xxx

A little taste of normality...

I woke up this morning STARVING!

I dont know if it was the alcohol from the night before or what it was but there was no ignoring this hunger.

I made myself scrambled egg.

I ate it.

And i feel almost good about it!

I weighed myself.

The number has crept up.

I dont care SO much.

Im not going to do my usual 500 leg lifts.

Screw that.

No jogging on the spot either.

I LOVE these days.

When i feel FREE.

Almost...normal?

It probably helped that i went out last night with friends and just had FUN.

It felt good.

So what if i dont weigh 5 stone anymore...who REALLY cares except me?

Do i really want to go down that road yet again?

What is there to gain?

Theres everything to lose.

Its Fathers Day and my dad is due home from Lanzarote this evening.

Im going to take him out to dinner.

And enjoy it.

Two fingers up to anorexia!!!

xxx

Thoughts...

Living alone is hard.

My anorexia loves it.

I love it...at times. 

At other times,not so much.

Im torn between what my eating disorder wants and what i want.

Its very easy not to eat.

It feels good.

But of course we have to eat to stay alive.

I like food.

But i dont deserve food.

I enjoy eating.

So i dont eat as a punishment.

I eat,i feel bad mentally. 

I dont eat,i feel bad physically.

Eating disorders are bloody complex!!!

If only there was a tablet we could take or an operation to remove it.

A magical cure.

A quick fix.

Instead it takes time. Alot of time. And hard work.

But ive seen people recover.

I know its possible.

I just dont know if its possible for me...

xxx

A normal life...

Sometimes you just get those little reminders when you least expect it about how far behind your peers you actually are. A conversation with friends last night has left me feeling rather out of place and left behind. (Not in ANY way my friends fault by the way!!!)

Of course i have felt this before but its been quite a while since it left me feeling low like this. While casually chatting about marriage and babies and buying houses it suddenly hit me how far away from those things i really am compared to my friends.

Nearly all of them are in long term relationships,or even married,have babies or are planning them,looking for houses to settle down in,have good jobs,are driving...i could go on.

And i KNOW its all my fault i dont have these things.

And i KNOW im not the only one.

But i cant help feel alone and like i will never have these things.

And that is down to me.

But i wish it was as simple as sitting down and eating three meals a day.

I wish it was as simple as gaining weight.

I have done these things but it never seems to last.

Anorexia creeps back in and before i know it my control is gone.

Im gone.

Every time it gets a little harder to find my way back.

I want to be healthy. I want to live a normal life. I want to go to college in September. I want to fall in love,get married and have babies.

I dont understand why it is so hard to simply be 'normal'...

xxx

Moving on up&going private x

Hey guys!

Just a little update and also to mention to anyone that reads this im setting my blog to private from this week,if you want to keep reading please just follow me. Also i wont be posting my update notifications on facebook or twitter anymore.

Things here have been going much much better. Im still eating well most days and getting closer and closer to target weight. Its scary as hell but im not stopping until i get there.

Recently a number of conversations ive had with different friends and family have just made me so determined to fully recover.

Ive let anorexia rule my life for over 12 years now and its just far too long. I really feel its now or never. I could easily just go along day to day existing and not really living,but i dont want to settle for that anymore. I want a real life,even though it terrifies me just thinking of it.I know its got to be better than another year with an eating disorder.

I want a job and a boyfriend and a house and eventually a marriage and a babies!

I definitely cant hold onto the anorexia and have all those things.

Therapy with Triona is also going really well,its definitely helping me this time round.

She sees people change their lives and live their dreams all the time and she says i can be one of those people too if i keep going in the right direction...and you know, im starting to believe her...

Love Aoifs xXx

Thoughts x

What made me swallow those 82 tablets three weeks ago?

How do i answer that question without sounding mad?

The question in itself suggests i may be mad...

I remember taking them and feeling calm.

Scared but calm.

I wanted to just sleep.

Sleep and not wake up.

I thought it would be enough.

I thought i would die.

I had hoped i would die.

Sometimes i wish it had of been enough.

Sometimes im glad it wasnt.

Im embarrassed and ashamed by my actions.

Please understand i thought i was doing the right thing for everybody involved.

I realise that may sound crazy now but i thought it at the time.

Friends have fallen away,family barely keep in touch,i honestly didnt think anyone but dad would truely care if i died. And for those i thought might care i thought it would be a relief for them. Theyve seen me in and out of hospital year after year never truely recovering.

I am a burden and i simply worry those who do still care.

I am selfish.

But most of all im sorry.

Ive had some amazing support from some people and thats why,

I will try harder.

Love Aoifs xXx

Home sweet home x

Discharged.

Medically stable.

Emotionally? 

Maybe not so much!!!

But better.

Definitely better.

I think the right dose of meds are finally kicking in and not a moment too soon.

So im home.

Im alive.

What now?

For the moment im going to the hospital twice a week.

Im trying to get out with friends for coffee.

I quit my job the day i overdosed.

I missed the start of my course as i was in hospital.

I have no idea what to do with life.

Getting on a bus and going into town is almost a challenge in itself.

I realise that must sound pathetic to most.

But hopefully some will understand.

Food is a whole other issue.

The anorexia is strong as hell right now.

And im just letting it happen.

I tried the day i got home from hospital to challenge it but the guilt eats me up. Pardon the pun.

I AM eating. Just not so much. And compensating when i am.

I want so much to eat well. Im hungry. Starving. And thats hard to admitt.

But im not allowed to eat what my body needs.

Im simply not allowed.

I'll leave on a more positive note-

"Nothing in the world is impossible the word itself says Im Possible."Audrey Hepburn.

Love Aoifs xXx

The aftermath of an overdose x

You dont think of the pain youre going to cause other people.

You think of ending your pain.

Did i really truely want to die?

Yes.

At the time.

That afternoon.

Depression had been crippling me since my return from Lanzarote.

My weight gain was intolerable.

A combination of things beyond my control felt too much.

I felt my loss would be no great loss.

I felt it would be a freedom.

For everybody.

Ive struggled for 12 years with anorexia,everyone was sick of me.

I was sick of me.

I was sick of anorexia yet couldnt free myself of it.

And am still fighting to.

Since being admitted to hospital 2 weeks ago my weight has dropped signifigantly.

This pleases my anorexia.

It says lower.

My bp is low.

My blood sugars low.

My potassium is low.

My sodium is low.

None of this worries me. It pleases me.

However my mood has picked up somewhat and i do regret my actions.

Im sorry if i worried people. 

I dont really understand their worry.

But I have a choice now.

Stand up once again and fight.

Or let it swallow me up.

'Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself. The way you wish you had been all along.'

Love Aoifs xXx

Ps-Please do not think i write these posts to attract attention or anything of the sort,i write because it helps me and i share because it helps others xXx

Further along the road...

Since i last wrote there has been some changes. Some good. Some not so.

Anorexia has taken a back seat in some respects. Im eating well most of the time. I have energy. Im not tired all the time. I have started working as a fashion intern in a clothes store and love it. Tomorrow i finally start the image and styling course i was supposed to do two years ago. I went on holiday with two friends and had so much fun. I ate and drank and was 'normal'. It felt nice to be normal for that week.

I came home and struggled with the inevitable weight gain but have managed to maintain it. However it seems whenever anorexia leaves me be,depression hits me hard. It can be crippling. I didnt leave the house for three days this week and when i tried i only got as far as the bus stop. I am sure people are looking at me and thinking how fat i have become. That i dont deserve to eat. That i dont deserve to be healthy.

I am still underweight yet these new curves terrify me.

Bum.

Boobs.

Hips.

CURVES.

Why are they so scary?

My new womanly shape depresses me greatly.

I am scared of what comes with it...

The only answer i feel is to lose weight again.

It feels like a choice between anorexia or depression?

Surely there is a healthy in between?

I hope i find it.

I hope we all find it.

Love Aoifs xXx

A small glimpse into anorexia x

I am learning recently,i cannot be alone at home without ed behaviours taking over.

Alone i am a disaster.

I am 26 and simply cant take care of myself on my own.

Its beyond ridiculous.

I can be 'normal' when im with friends/family. I cope. I think i put on a good show.

Now that i have gainned a good bit of weight i appear 'normal'.

However my thoughts are still extremely eating disordered.

I weigh myself 6 times a day.

When i go on holidays my scales comes with me.

If the number is higher than acceptable,i must compensate.

I know its an unhealthy obsession.

However when i dont know my exact weight,my anxiety is sky high.

I will restrict or starve. I will purge. I will exercise. I will take boxes of laxatives.

I am not proud of these things. Anorexia isnt something to be proud of. Its not a phase or a way to get attention. It has the highest death rate out of all mental illnesses.

I hate it more than anything but Im not going to hide and be ashamed anymore.

I want people to know the truth. The reality.

 And i guess thats why i started this blog in the first place xXx

Falling back and pushing forward x

I fear i may actually be losing the plot. 

My mood is all over the place...either very low or flying high.

One day i feel strong and determined and want to continue with recovery,the next day i dont want any food to pass my lips and losing all the weight ive gainned is my only goal in life. And that is pathetic.

Since my team wanted to admitt me a few weeks ago,i have turned things around and stopped losing weight. Infact i have gainned two pounds back. 

Ive been out for meals with friends,had cocktails,gone dancing,doing everything i can to fight back and get out there and live life.

But anorexia still consumes my every thought.

Its still the most important thing in my life,which i hate but i know only i can change.

I was looking at old pictures of when i was a healthy weight and a terrible sadness came over me. I look happy and healthy. I WAS happy and healthy. 

What happened? 

How did i allow myself to get to a point where late last year I couldnt walk from my room to the bathroom,i was in a wheelchair,being tube fed and on complete bedrest for 8 weeks. I didnt admitt it at the time but i was scared. I felt like something had completely taken me over and i had no power left.

I have to go back and remember these things so i can push forward and be reminded i cant go back to that place.

So i am in limbo. I am no longer at a dangerous weight nor am i healthy but somewhere in the middle. Right now i feel i could go either way.

I can understand how someone without an ed would see this as an easy choice...but letting go and moving on seems so impossible at times.

I cant fight it for myself at the moment but i will for my dad,my mum,my granbeag and the amazing friends who are still here beside me. I am lucky really. 

Very lucky.

xXx

A goodbye of sorts x

Hey guys,

I just wanted to write here and let any readers know im taking a break from this blog. Although its a good place to vent and get positive support i feel its holding me back from moving on in some way.

The past few weeks have been the hardest since i got discharged at the end of january. Not so much weight wise although i have slowly been losing some again but more mood wise.

I have always found that when i am eating and gainning weight my mood plummets drastically and i isolate. When i am restricting/starving and losing weight i am high as a kite. Although physically weak. Its trying to pick the lesser of two evils.

At the moment i am in a restrictive phase and so feeling a little better in myself BUT i do not want to slip back into this-

I must never let it happen again.

So today i had a starbucks mocha light frapp and a piece of 'rocky road' which set me up for the day. I wanted to do it and it felt good but by the time dinner time came around i was racked with guilt and couldnt manage anything. It seems to be a constant struggle at the moment. But like i said im not prepared to end up in a dangerous place again so i will try and try until i win.

Wish me luck.

Love Aoifs xxx



Letting it out x

Hellooo!

I try to keep this blog as upbeat and positive as possible lately but i think it would almost defeat its purpose if i pretended everything was wonderful all of the time. So with that in mind this is an honest post more than anything.

Since my last hospital admission some people have said i am an 'inspiration' which is lovely but im really not. Im human and am just another woman fighting for recovery. I make mistakes. I slip up. I have bad days. We all do,dont we? I think its how we deal with them that matters.

Ive been trying to ignore this the past month or so but im really struggling to accept my new healthier body. Even at my smallest I never felt thin,i never saw thin BUT the number on the scale made me feel safe that the FACT was i was seriously underweight no matter what the image was staring back at me. It was comforting.

I keep thinking...just go back. Just one more time. Get to a lower number. Push your body that extra bit further than before. You have to get worse before you get properly better and let go completely...

Im angry at myself for feeling this way.

I feel my friends must be embarrassed by how big i have become recently. Surely no one would want to be seen with me now. I know none of my friends would actually say that to me but I imagine that must be how they feel.

I'll stop there.

Love Aoifs xxx



What a difference x

5stone3pounds- a smile that hides the misery.

                                                         6stone8pounds- a real smile

Its only now looking back at photos i can see how ill i was and how much healthier i am now. That first picture isnt ME it is pure anorexia and it scares me. I saw my therapist A today and cried...cried because i am scared of relapse. I can say from my heart i never want to fall into the grips of anorexia again. Sure i have days where i feel fat and huge etc but i am beginning to LIVE and guess what? Its pretty damn good.

I find it hard to accept the weight gain but i guess most girls are the same if their weight goes up from time to time,us girls are never happy are we? LOL.

Life is far too short to let an ed rule your life. Please anyone who is reading this and needs help,go for it. It is so worth the fight. During recovery its not just weight u gain,its your health,friends,partners,jobs,college, pretty much your whole life.And it is so much more exciting than counting calories ;o)

'Ive had a taste of paradise,thats all i really need to make me stay...i wont look back.'

xxx