Today is hard...

Its just one of those days.

Dad is away and i seem to fall apart on my own. Its only been 24 hours and everything seems too much. Eating is impossible. I feel like crying but im afraid i wont stop.

Im doing the best i have ever done with recovery. My weight is steadily increasing and im eating well with little or no behaviours.

I couldnt have done this living alone. I am so happy to be living back home.

Its days like today that make me realise i made the right decision.

Even though it feels like a failure in a way.

Now i LOOK normal,i feel i should ACT normal,but i dont FEEL normal...if that makes sense.

I expect everyone thinks i am fine now because i look fine when inside i am so scared.

Scared of the future. I imagine everyone feels this way at some stage,its just when i usually feel it i run back into the arms of anorexia. And i cant...wont...do that this time.

The easy thing to do would be to go back.

Im not going to take the easy route.

No matter how scared and overwhelmed i may be.

The weight gain is extremely difficult to get used to. I feel utter disgust at my body at the moment and i havent even reached my target weight yet. It seems ridiculous i could still have more to gain. Its so hard. A layer of fat now covers where my bones used to protrude. My tummy sticks out. My face is round. I can pinch the flesh around the tops of my arms.

I cant actually bare to think about it...

I have to chose what course to do at the end of September and i am at a loss.

I am really just doing a course because i think its expected of me now im well enough to study.

Dad is giving me no pressure whats so ever to go back to college,he thinks i should just catch up on life and all the fun ive missed out on over the years. But hey that doesnt pay the bills does it? ;o)

More than anything i need something to occupy my time.

Im joining the gym when i return home from London and plan to go most days so that will give me a purpose to get out of the house. And were also going to get a little dog again i think,mans best friend and all that!

So i do have plenty to look forward to.

Just got to keep swimming......xxx

Late night rambles...

What to do when you cant sleep?

Blog!!!

My mind is racing and wont let me rest!

I thought i had made up my mind about studying healthcare in September but i just dont know. Something doesnt feel quite right. I keep coming back to fashion. I feel like i have no more time to waste and i have to get this decision right. But I just cannot decide and its driving me crazy!

I thought i wanted to stay away from fashion because it could be triggering...but the more i think about it,the more i think healthcare could be also. I guess there will be triggers throughout life whatever i do and instead of avoiding them,i have to learn to deal with them and not let them affect me.

Both courses start the second week in September so i know i have more time to think,but not knowing which i want to do is making me wonder can i do either of them?

Maybe i should just go back to the safe little world of anorexia...

I have regained the weight i lost in Lanzarote and more on top of that.

I have exactly one stone to gain and i will be at my target weight.

I look so huge compared to my lowest weight,its hard to accept the changes in my body but i definitely appreciate this new found energy that comes from some good nutrition :o)

Living is fun again..

But also extremely scary!

I catch myself thinking several times a day,how much easier it would be to go back to anorexia.

So safe.

Reliable.

Comforting.

But i cant go back. Im not sure id find my way back out again.

So onwards and upwards it is!!!

xxx

'Lovely Little Girl' x

Trying to decide what the hell to do with ones life is some task.

And i aint getting any younger at the grand old age of 26 (!)

Since i was at the hospital last friday i have been doing a lot of resting and eating lol. Ive also been researching,looking into different courses,different jobs etc. Since the retail fashion world wasnt for me ive been rethinking and the main things that have come up time and time again not just now but over the years is counselling and psychology or Montessori teaching.

I havent been feeling the best but i had organised a meeting in a local school to help out a few mornings a week in an attempt to pull myself out of this rut. I met with the Principal and i have to say he was the most lovely man...all was going well and then he asks 'Do you eat enough,i cant help notice you are very thin' my anorexia screamed with delight...I wanted to die of embarrassment. I actually could not believe he noticed,it doesnt make sense to me,but my anorexia shouted 'Yesss maybe i am not so fat anymore,got to keep losing.'

He then continued (very nicely) to talk about my health and how i had to focus on getting healthy. He then introduced me to one of the teachers as 'this is the lovely little girl i was telling you about' emmm i was sure i was a 26 year old WOMAN. Anyway the Principal despite all this was very nice and 'just showing his concern' and told me to ring him in January to let him know how i was.

Weirdest interview yet.

Any thoughts on my career choices? Would i be rubbish at both? I have a mountain of information on both subjects so just have to decide by the new year.

Ramble over. Thanks for reading :) xxx