Late night rambles...

What to do when you cant sleep?

Blog!!!

My mind is racing and wont let me rest!

I thought i had made up my mind about studying healthcare in September but i just dont know. Something doesnt feel quite right. I keep coming back to fashion. I feel like i have no more time to waste and i have to get this decision right. But I just cannot decide and its driving me crazy!

I thought i wanted to stay away from fashion because it could be triggering...but the more i think about it,the more i think healthcare could be also. I guess there will be triggers throughout life whatever i do and instead of avoiding them,i have to learn to deal with them and not let them affect me.

Both courses start the second week in September so i know i have more time to think,but not knowing which i want to do is making me wonder can i do either of them?

Maybe i should just go back to the safe little world of anorexia...

I have regained the weight i lost in Lanzarote and more on top of that.

I have exactly one stone to gain and i will be at my target weight.

I look so huge compared to my lowest weight,its hard to accept the changes in my body but i definitely appreciate this new found energy that comes from some good nutrition :o)

Living is fun again..

But also extremely scary!

I catch myself thinking several times a day,how much easier it would be to go back to anorexia.

So safe.

Reliable.

Comforting.

But i cant go back. Im not sure id find my way back out again.

So onwards and upwards it is!!!

xxx

HOTTT new docter&a shopping trip!

Omfg docter whats his name ( i was too busy eyeing him up to remember) who was filling in for my usual Dr M was absolutely YUMILICIOUS! I found it quite hard to control my girlie giggles and outrageous flirting (shameful i know) to even answer his questions and then damn it i saw IT. THE WEDDING RING :o(

And that was the end of that love affair.

Saw my dietician Y,have dropped a couple of klios but determined to regain asap. Y was very helpful in reminding me what an awful dangerous place i was in at the start of the year and do i really really want to go back to that?

No.

I was near Dundrum shopping centre,it would have been rude not to pop in. I seemed to have gone a little over budget but almost everything i got was on sale so its ok REALLY....

I picked up these beauties in the AWEAR sale reduced down to 25euro...i am in love with them-

I popped into the Laundry Room and got a little white dress perfect for summer and reduced to just 15euro. While i was there i spotted this cute little black and white jumper also in the sale reduced to 20euro.

I got this cute little top in Penneys for 13euro and thought it would go great with some black jeans and my electric blue flats i posted previously.

And finally i had a pair of jeans i wanted to exchange in Bershka so i swapped them for a pair of hot pink skinnies!!!

Ok NO MORE SHOPPING until wednesday...promise....kind of.

xxx

Discharged :-) x

Home sweet home.

Veryyyyyy Happy Aoifs :-)

Its been a tough 12 weeks and its now the real work begins! I have gone from 5 stone to 6 stone and am on a mission to get to 7 stone in time. I know deep down this is a good healthy thing but anorexia still consumes much of my thoughts and wants me to lose instead of continuing to gain. It really is so nice to be home but with it comes a lot of ups and downs and responsibility. Im so scared of messing things up again but i wont dwell on that,im trying to just concentrate on slowly moving forward and so far so good.

Off to Lanzarote on sunday :-) If it rains,i may cry! LOL! I want the sunshine!!!

Im going to start taking photos again,probably mostly of clothes/outfits etc to post here. I want this to be a place where i can vent about recovery but also fashion,i dont expect many people to follow it or anything,i think its just nice to have and it will give me something to do. Which reminds me. I have been clearing out my wardrobes and i have 8 black bags of clothes,shoes and bags that i dont want anymore. Most in excellant condition. Usually i would give it all to charity but im trying to make some cash so if anyone has any ideas where i could sell them (apart from ebay) please let me know.

Getting my hair done tomorrow,back to blonde i go!!! xxx

Style wars on the psych ward lol x

Ok so because of the joy of bedrest for the past 3 and a half weeks i have been stuck in my pjs and i am seriously missing my clothes and putting together outfits. I already know what im going to wear the day i get off bedrest...hahaha that is so uncool of me LOL! I got this amazing vintage daytime dress just before i came into hospital that i am dying to wear! U know when u put something on and instantly ur mood lifts and u feel good in urself? Its not often that happens when youre anorexic but when it DOES happen boy does it feel good!

Only problem is im scared it will be too small for me by the time i get to wear it...i got some growing room in it though so hopefully it will be ok and it wont end in tears!!! Fingers crossed!

Theres only two people around my age in here and then a load of OAPS so i dont have THAT much competition in the fashion stakes....still even while on bedrest i made sure to get new pjs and dressing gowns and hair accessories....sounds a bit vain but i love my fashion and it cheers me up and gives me something to do in the morning...although of course there are the bad days when i wont even wash my hair or put on a scrap of make up but hey we all have those dont we?

The fashion course i was supposed to be starting just before i got admitted have said they will keep a place for me when it starts up on its next term,please dear lord god heavens above i hope i can make it onto the next term and complete it at least then i will feel i have accomplised SOMETHING...although a friend said to me recently fightng anorexia and winning is a huge achievement all on its own....maybe she is right? Its definitely the hardest thing ive had to deal with. Its like going againest everything ive believed in for ten years,all i know and fighting againest that voice in my head is a huge task. My head says one thing,my heart says another...

'Go confidantly in the direction of your dreams. Live the life u have imagined.'