A small glimpse into anorexia x

I am learning recently,i cannot be alone at home without ed behaviours taking over.

Alone i am a disaster.

I am 26 and simply cant take care of myself on my own.

Its beyond ridiculous.

I can be 'normal' when im with friends/family. I cope. I think i put on a good show.

Now that i have gainned a good bit of weight i appear 'normal'.

However my thoughts are still extremely eating disordered.

I weigh myself 6 times a day.

When i go on holidays my scales comes with me.

If the number is higher than acceptable,i must compensate.

I know its an unhealthy obsession.

However when i dont know my exact weight,my anxiety is sky high.

I will restrict or starve. I will purge. I will exercise. I will take boxes of laxatives.

I am not proud of these things. Anorexia isnt something to be proud of. Its not a phase or a way to get attention. It has the highest death rate out of all mental illnesses.

I hate it more than anything but Im not going to hide and be ashamed anymore.

I want people to know the truth. The reality.

 And i guess thats why i started this blog in the first place xXx

A perfectly 'normal' day x

Hey guys,

Well its saturday night and im snuggled up in bed with only my laptop and hot choclate for comfort. To be honest im glad im not out on the town,am exhausted after a day out with S. I dont know why i should be tired,we just sat on our bums and ate hahaha. Well we took a little wander around the shops,then went to see a movie and got pic and mix (EEK) and then dinner (Double EEK) but thats a normal day right? Ok maybe not pic and mix EVERY day (Damn it) lol. It was good to see S,although her honesty cuts through me like a knife sometimes,i love the girl but man is she blunt sometimes!!!

Anyway great day,came home,wasnt feeling guilty really after my indulgance and then what do i do? Yep you guessed it...the f*cking scales screamed at me to check,just a little peek and i obliged. I have to be the biggest loser going,i know the power the numbers have over me and yet i repeatdly set myself up for failure. If the numbers up (which it was...) i freak but team are happy,if numbers down i calm down,feel more at ease but team are not at all happy. Its just a f*cking number!!!!

But im coping with it,earlier this year it would have thrown me back full force into my anorexia,now i dont like it but im dealing with it and hey thats got to count for something?

Love Aoifs xxx