Numbers game...

Its never low enough.

I promised myself when i got to a BMI of 13 id maintain and now i just have to lose more and more until i disappear hopefully. Im refusing the feed and eating a small portion of sweetcorn a day. I have to get really low this time. None of this messing about. Ill get to 9 and then stop.

I feel like being very destructive but thats very hard when ur on 24 hour watch.

I just want to hurt myself and release some tension but they wont give me a minute alone.

Im aware my posts are extremely negative and dont expect anyone to read them i just need an outlet.

EVeryones getting on with ther lives it wouldnt matter if i wasnt here. Im so tired. Its a fight that i cannot win....

Fighting back x

Hi guys!

Well its a saturday night again and unfortuanately im still not up to doing too much so going out for a weekend boogie is out of the question. But still who needs that when youve got Britians Got Talent ;)

I made it to my appointment on Wednesday,saw the doc,the dietician got my injection and bloods done which came back a bit crap and resulted in me being wheeled down to A&E. They fixed me up and sent me home with supplements and im definitely feeling stronger.

Ive had a few spoonfuls of porridge the pasr three mornings and i think thats really helped my energy levels.

Which is good as im going to need it now im starting Day hospital on Monday.

Im so nervous!!!

Its Monday to Friday for six weeks and includes things such as self esteem and confidance buliding as well as relaxation classes. Its probably not going to be a miracle cure but it cant do any harm and will give me a purpose everyday to get out of the house which cant be at all bad.

My weight is dropping very slowly now so nothing drastic but i know if i want to be healthy and happy it should be going the other way. I just cant imagine being happy at a higher weight when im already so unhappy at this weight...

Ive been stressing over what to do once i get better...if i get better...what do i do with my life?

But i guess i should focus more on the here and now for the moment?

Love Aoifs x

London and eating and not eating and potassium and stuff...

Hmmm now where did i leave off?

I went out to dinner with my friends and not only survived it,bloody enjoyed it too.

It wasnt until the next day the guilt set in when i stepped on the scales and saw the number rise ever so slightly.

I know i know i should throw away the scale! But i simply cannot cope without knowing the number. Ive really tried to break this habit but so far i am losing.

I was reduced to the usual ed behaviours in order to lose the offending weight.

Then on Monday i flew to London.

I knew before i went i wasnt feeling top notch but has that ever stopped me before?

In fairness im usually pretty good at knowing if im going to be ok or if im going to end up in a&e and i made it home in one piece today despite the hospital calling me while i was away to tell my potassium levels were quite low. Now any sensible person would go eat a few bananas and go get their bloods checked...me? I ate the banana,then purged the banana,then took laxatives.

FFS.

I know i am a prize idiot.

I know its ME doing these things.

I am in control.

But like ive said many times i feel very out of control.

Or is it that im so very controlled its out of control...

ok now im rambling...

I have an appointment with my doc and dietician on wednesday and im really going to try and take care and try and keep all behaviours as low key as possible.

Another one of the joys of anorexia is Osteopina which i think is what is causing me so much back ache recently. Im due another bone scan soon and im curious to see what the results will be and has the osteopina actually got worse or is it just coincidance.

I have to mention i spent time with my amazing niece,brother and sis in law while i was in London and it was the hightlight of my trip.

Now time for bed...what else would a 28 year old be doing on a saturday night at 7.30pm?

;)

Love Aoife x

Sleepy but not sleepy enough...

My eyes feel tired but i cannot sleep.

Thoughts of food and weight take over my mind as i lay my head to my pillow and try and get comfortable.

I feel sad tonight.

About alot of things that i dont have the heart or energy to go into now.

But i just wish my head would leave me be.

Sounds strange but you know what i mean? All those conflicting distressing thoughts that haunt me especially at night when its quiet and im trying to sleep.

I wish they werent there.

I wish i was free.

A friend told me today what i was doing was my choice.

It kind of made me angry.

I didnt know anorexia was a choice. I certainly didnt ask for it. And if i did i want my money back please.

I can see her point in one way. 

To the outside world it looks like i choose not to feed myself. But i WANT to feed myself.

More than anything.

I want to sit down at the dinner table without panic and fear and complete a meal.

Ive tried to do it. I TRY to do it. I WAS doing it at different stages.

But right now i simply cant.

Now come the tears...

Night angels xxx

Its been awhile...

Well its been over two months now and im still in hospital.

Alot has happened.

None of which im proud of.

But which i will talk about because i think its important to give some sort of understanding.

I completed my course of ECT but it didnt help that much if im honest.

I stopped eating after awhile of refeeding and was threatened with the NG tube once again. With this threat i began slowly increasing my calorie intake and managed to avoid it.

I started gaining weight again and have gained a considerable amount of weight.

With this i became extremely depressed.

I have a vague recolection of running out of the hospital (in my pj's) over to tesco and the chemist to buy paracetamol with the intention of making the pain go away.

A nurse found me and brought me back to the hospital where i was out on 24/7 watch.

I cant explain the utter frustration at this.

Yes this was my fault. I put myself in this position,

But i just wanted to go asleep and not wake up.

I didnt mean for this to happen.

I didnt want to hurt anyone. I thought i was doing everyone a favour.

Today i write this from my own bed as im on overnight leave.

I am eating well,i am much healthier,i am in the middle of swapping medications,i have no suicidal thoughts.

However i am very much stuck.

Yes i am eating. But for one reason. To get out of hospital.

The day i get discharged im joining the gym and sticking to 650 calories.

I dont want to go back to that life but i cant live in this body.

My choice is lose weight or end it all.

The last thing i want to do is hurt my amazing family and friends but i honestly cannot find my way out of this misery.

So for now i am safe,eating,gaining weight and having hours out,

Discharge will be soon hopefully and my plan will have to be put into place.

Its pains me to say that.

I want to tell u i can stay the way i am in the body im in but it is slowly tearing me apart...

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and those of you who have stuck by me are truely amazing,

Aoifs xxx

Feel the fear...

...and do it anyway.

And that is what i have done today.

Three meals.

My tummy round and bulging.

A food baby.

Its not getting any easier.

They wont tell me my weight.

I imagine i have gained an awful lot.

Much more than i can deal with.

Surely i should know my weight that way i wont get too much of a shock when i do eventually get to weigh myself?

And why does it even matter so much?

Why do i care so much?

I dont judge any of my friends on their weight.

I swear i dont.

Why do i think they would do it to me?

I imagine they are repulsed by what they see and cant help but be disgusted by my size.

What are they going to think if i keep getting bigger and bigger?

What if i lose all control???

Round and round she goes...

Yet again i have ended up in hospital.

My 3rd admission this year...nothing to be proud of.

I am disappointed in myself.

That i let this happen again.

After my last admission i was eating well and continued to gain weight.

I reached my highest weight in years and sheer panic took over and i stopped eating.

My weight became unstable,my bloods became unstable and i became unstable.

Afraid to leave the house for what people may think of my weight gain.

So here i am back on the psych ward and back on a NG tube under section.

I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed.

But...id rather be honest than keep hiding away.

Im having ECT treatment again and after only one session it is helping already.

Im getting tube fed 20 hours a day and expected to eat on top of that which really seems near impossible. I am managing little bits now which is some improvement but each mouthful is full of guilt.

I know i will bounce back from this as i usually do...but how long for? And is it worth it?

I just dont know anymore...

xxx

Back in action...

So its been awhile!

A few days after i wrote my last post i was admitted to a medical ward with dangerously low potassium and magnesium levels. I was getting chest pain,palpations,dizziness and pins and needles. After two potassium drips,several ECGs and a heart monitor i was stable enough to be moved to the psych ward. My weight loss continued at a fast pace and soon enough i was on an NG tube.

My admission lasted only 5 weeks with my team saying they had done all they can for me as an inpatient and the power to change is in my hands.

I will see them twice a week and i am sticking to a reasonable meal plan.

Something is different this time though. I dont want to just get by or keep my weight at this level,i want to get to a healthy weight and be healthy in mind and body for once.

Im determined to slowly get there.

I want to put anorexia behind me.

So ive got a month to see how i do and if i cant stick to the meal plan or if i am losing weight im going to do a full inpatient eating disorder programme and committ however long it takes and whatever it takes for me to be completely healthy again.

For the moment im trying to do it on the outside and have got a fab holiday with the girls coming up next weekend. Im going to try and go away and leave anorexia at home if at all possible.

So thats the plan!

Sorry ive havent got to write in ages,hopefully i will keep it up now im back.

Lots of love from Aoifs xxx

Feeling low...

I dont know what i want to write...i just feel the need to write...

After my appointment yesterday im feeling quite low.

I didnt see Dr M and saw a reg instead which was a little bit of a waste of time as i can only really be honest with Dr M. 

I seem to be going round in circles time and time again. I lose weight,end up in hospital,gain weight,get depressed,lose weight again,end up in hospital and so on.The reg asked me what they can do to help me out of this cycle and neither of us knew the answer.

I feel like there is no answer.

This is me full of self pity and feeling sorry for myself im sorry,i just feel completely alone with these negative thoughts.

Since i last wrote ive been losing weight again,nothing drastic but its the ONLY thing making me feel a bit better.

Ive been trying to be positive and happy but the mask is slowly slipping.

Im at a loss.

I dont know how people recover,i really dont. Even when im doing better,eating and at a healthier weight,anorexia is always with me,always by my side,whispering in my ear.

Does it ever really go away???

xxx

´Dont look...just dont look...

I tell myself this as i walk briskly through the door of the supermarket. As i head straight for my diet coke i dont dare even dream of looking at anything else.
SImply because looking leads to temptation and temptation can lead to purchasing all sorts of items. Having such forbidden foods at my hands may lead to consumption which inevitably leads to this chubby exterior getting even chubbier.
I cant have that.
I wont allow it.
Anorexia wont allow it.
But oh how good the freshly backed bread smells...STOP IT!!!
GET OUT OF THE SUPERMARKET RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!
Surely one small soft doughy breadroll cant do to much harm?
DONT LISTEN!!! CARBS ARE THE DEVIL!
Safely out of the supermarket with my diet coke supply for the day,i walk as fast as i can along the beach,temptation haunting me at every corner.
ICE CREAM!
Soft and soothing.
SUGAR AND FAT.
I imagine indulging in it once again...
There would be too many reprecussions i decide.
Later i lay by the poolside in the sunshine as i watch couples and familes laugh and argue in equal measures. I long for it...
NORMALITY.
But i am still caught up in this insanity xxx

A normal life...

Sometimes you just get those little reminders when you least expect it about how far behind your peers you actually are. A conversation with friends last night has left me feeling rather out of place and left behind. (Not in ANY way my friends fault by the way!!!)

Of course i have felt this before but its been quite a while since it left me feeling low like this. While casually chatting about marriage and babies and buying houses it suddenly hit me how far away from those things i really am compared to my friends.

Nearly all of them are in long term relationships,or even married,have babies or are planning them,looking for houses to settle down in,have good jobs,are driving...i could go on.

And i KNOW its all my fault i dont have these things.

And i KNOW im not the only one.

But i cant help feel alone and like i will never have these things.

And that is down to me.

But i wish it was as simple as sitting down and eating three meals a day.

I wish it was as simple as gaining weight.

I have done these things but it never seems to last.

Anorexia creeps back in and before i know it my control is gone.

Im gone.

Every time it gets a little harder to find my way back.

I want to be healthy. I want to live a normal life. I want to go to college in September. I want to fall in love,get married and have babies.

I dont understand why it is so hard to simply be 'normal'...

xxx

Update x

Hey guys,

Long time no see!

Im just getting back into the blogging world again and thought i would update!

In my last post i wrote about stopping my medication...BIG MISTAKE.

On the 30th of December i took an overdose of over 200 tablets.

After 9 days on a medical ward in one hospital i was stable enough to be transferred to a psych ward in another under section where i stayed for four months.

I dont remember much of the first 6 weeks except that i had an intense desire to die and was on 24hour watch.

I expect this period of time was much harder for family and friends than it actually was for me as i was in my own little world. I cant imagine the pain and worry i caused my dad. He is everything to me but when i took that overdose i honestly thought he was better off free of me.

I realise now this is ridiculous and couldnt be further from the truth. He would rather have me here and with anorexia than not have me here at all.

Suicide is a very difficult issue for a lot of people. Some people say it is selfish. And maybe theyre right. But please understand when you are in a place where you want to die you can think the world is better off without you in it.

Personally i felt i caused nothing but heartache to those around me. I had one relapse after another and couldnt cope with the thoughts of failing again,letting everyone down and falling back into the grips of anorexia.

While i was in hospital i had eight sessions of ECT to try and lift my depression. This helped to a certain extent in that i wasnt actively trying to hurt myself at any given opportunity anymore but it did not 'cure' me.

I was once again fed through an NG tube and yes it got my weight up but anorexia still holds me tight even at a healthier weight.

So here i am today writing this trying to remind myself how lucky i am to be alive and that even if i am forever anorexic,life is precious and can be enjoyed and i have plenty of reasons to continue to fight.

Hope youre all well and thank you if you read this xxx

Cant find the way out x

'And i know its crazy...but thats the state im in.'

Escaped to our country home this week and it was nice to get away for a few days.

I just wish i could get away from my head.

I had a chat with dad before we went that i would really try get back on track with eating again.

And i did to some extent.

I did good Monday and Tuesday and then got food poisoning and of course i took this as a sign i shouldnt have ate all i had,that it was a sign i ate too much,a sign i should stick to my more restrictive diet.

And so back i go.

I know letting myself fall back isnt a great thing but losing weight is the only thing that seems to help lift the depression a little.

I want to be small again.

Tiny.

Disappear maybe.

'I cant escape my thoughts.'

Love Aoifs xXx

Home sweet home x

Discharged.

Medically stable.

Emotionally? 

Maybe not so much!!!

But better.

Definitely better.

I think the right dose of meds are finally kicking in and not a moment too soon.

So im home.

Im alive.

What now?

For the moment im going to the hospital twice a week.

Im trying to get out with friends for coffee.

I quit my job the day i overdosed.

I missed the start of my course as i was in hospital.

I have no idea what to do with life.

Getting on a bus and going into town is almost a challenge in itself.

I realise that must sound pathetic to most.

But hopefully some will understand.

Food is a whole other issue.

The anorexia is strong as hell right now.

And im just letting it happen.

I tried the day i got home from hospital to challenge it but the guilt eats me up. Pardon the pun.

I AM eating. Just not so much. And compensating when i am.

I want so much to eat well. Im hungry. Starving. And thats hard to admitt.

But im not allowed to eat what my body needs.

Im simply not allowed.

I'll leave on a more positive note-

"Nothing in the world is impossible the word itself says Im Possible."Audrey Hepburn.

Love Aoifs xXx

The aftermath of an overdose x

You dont think of the pain youre going to cause other people.

You think of ending your pain.

Did i really truely want to die?

Yes.

At the time.

That afternoon.

Depression had been crippling me since my return from Lanzarote.

My weight gain was intolerable.

A combination of things beyond my control felt too much.

I felt my loss would be no great loss.

I felt it would be a freedom.

For everybody.

Ive struggled for 12 years with anorexia,everyone was sick of me.

I was sick of me.

I was sick of anorexia yet couldnt free myself of it.

And am still fighting to.

Since being admitted to hospital 2 weeks ago my weight has dropped signifigantly.

This pleases my anorexia.

It says lower.

My bp is low.

My blood sugars low.

My potassium is low.

My sodium is low.

None of this worries me. It pleases me.

However my mood has picked up somewhat and i do regret my actions.

Im sorry if i worried people. 

I dont really understand their worry.

But I have a choice now.

Stand up once again and fight.

Or let it swallow me up.

'Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself. The way you wish you had been all along.'

Love Aoifs xXx

Ps-Please do not think i write these posts to attract attention or anything of the sort,i write because it helps me and i share because it helps others xXx

A small glimpse into anorexia x

I am learning recently,i cannot be alone at home without ed behaviours taking over.

Alone i am a disaster.

I am 26 and simply cant take care of myself on my own.

Its beyond ridiculous.

I can be 'normal' when im with friends/family. I cope. I think i put on a good show.

Now that i have gainned a good bit of weight i appear 'normal'.

However my thoughts are still extremely eating disordered.

I weigh myself 6 times a day.

When i go on holidays my scales comes with me.

If the number is higher than acceptable,i must compensate.

I know its an unhealthy obsession.

However when i dont know my exact weight,my anxiety is sky high.

I will restrict or starve. I will purge. I will exercise. I will take boxes of laxatives.

I am not proud of these things. Anorexia isnt something to be proud of. Its not a phase or a way to get attention. It has the highest death rate out of all mental illnesses.

I hate it more than anything but Im not going to hide and be ashamed anymore.

I want people to know the truth. The reality.

 And i guess thats why i started this blog in the first place xXx

Falling back and pushing forward x

I fear i may actually be losing the plot. 

My mood is all over the place...either very low or flying high.

One day i feel strong and determined and want to continue with recovery,the next day i dont want any food to pass my lips and losing all the weight ive gainned is my only goal in life. And that is pathetic.

Since my team wanted to admitt me a few weeks ago,i have turned things around and stopped losing weight. Infact i have gainned two pounds back. 

Ive been out for meals with friends,had cocktails,gone dancing,doing everything i can to fight back and get out there and live life.

But anorexia still consumes my every thought.

Its still the most important thing in my life,which i hate but i know only i can change.

I was looking at old pictures of when i was a healthy weight and a terrible sadness came over me. I look happy and healthy. I WAS happy and healthy. 

What happened? 

How did i allow myself to get to a point where late last year I couldnt walk from my room to the bathroom,i was in a wheelchair,being tube fed and on complete bedrest for 8 weeks. I didnt admitt it at the time but i was scared. I felt like something had completely taken me over and i had no power left.

I have to go back and remember these things so i can push forward and be reminded i cant go back to that place.

So i am in limbo. I am no longer at a dangerous weight nor am i healthy but somewhere in the middle. Right now i feel i could go either way.

I can understand how someone without an ed would see this as an easy choice...but letting go and moving on seems so impossible at times.

I cant fight it for myself at the moment but i will for my dad,my mum,my granbeag and the amazing friends who are still here beside me. I am lucky really. 

Very lucky.

xXx

Weight up,mood down x

Had my usual friday check up at the hospital and my weight was up a bit. Docter delighted. Aoifs not so much. Feel like breaking down the whole time and that is pathetic.

Got my bloods done that morning and the hospital rang me that night as magnesium has dropped yet again. This has been a consistant problem since my last admission even though ive had quite little active ed behaviours. Anyway im taking the supplements and they have just been uped!

My meal plan is out the window. One day ill have 2000 cals and the next 200 cals. I know i need to eat consistantly and have my meals and snacks but its all or nothing at the moment and i prefer nothing to be honest. Especially seeing my weight go up.

I feel disgusting at this weight. They want me to gain more. Eugh.

When i restrict or starve or purge i feel so much better in my head. Even if its bad for my body.

Giving up for today xxx

Lower than low x

Hasnt been the best day today.

I cried in the shower this morning.

Im getting bigger and bigger and my head really cant cope with it.

I have this overwhelming urge to lose the weight i have gainned (5 pounds in 5 weeks) my head is screaming at me to stop eating.

I know getting better is in my hands ultimately.

But i dont FEEL in control.

The guilt grows more intense with every meal.

I dont know how to cope with it.

I dont know how i will ever get better.

Ive never been able to really truely recover in the 11years and i honestly dont know how i am going to do it.

I want out...

Progress x

Just saw Y my dietician and she agreed to reduce the ng feed down by a couple of hundred calories on the condition i stick to the meal plan. I think this is a gooooood indication of progress :-) ???

I ate so much yesterday and today my tummy is swollen and looks pregnant lol! It wouldnt feel so bad if i just had the ng or was just eating but having both is giving my head trouble!

I guess the main thing is to get the ng out and get off bedrest which is a BMI of 15. Dr. M says once i get there its up to me if i want to learn to maintain that weight for the moment or if i want to gain more. I think you can guess my answer to that!!!

I feel much better physically apart from being exhausted all the time,which seems ridiculous when ive been lying in bed for almost a month now.

Part of me is desperate to get to 15 but the other part of me is scared. It means the next stage of recovery,i know things have to change if i want to move forward but again it comes back to me being scared to move forward even if deep down i know that IS what i want...oh i dont even know if i am making sense here...

Y is off til wednesday so a bit worried about that. I need her constant reassurance about the exact amount of calories etc....i think i have in some ways become even more obsessive about them and find myself topping up sums in my head all day long.

I asked Dr M if she thought id ever recover and she said she wouldnt have me using up one of her precious beds if i didnt really need it...i still feel rather like i dont belong here or i shouldnt got my weight down even further and then maybe i would deserve the help i am getting. But then again i had a lucky escape coming in when i did because ended up on the medical ward that very night at serious risk of heart attack.

I guess we can only push our bodies so far before they start to fail. Something im just realising.

A lovely friend gave me an angel recently and that is over my bed and reminds me of getting my sparkley pink angel wings intact lol!!!!

I better go,feeding time at the zoo again...xxx