Numbers game...

Its never low enough.

I promised myself when i got to a BMI of 13 id maintain and now i just have to lose more and more until i disappear hopefully. Im refusing the feed and eating a small portion of sweetcorn a day. I have to get really low this time. None of this messing about. Ill get to 9 and then stop.

I feel like being very destructive but thats very hard when ur on 24 hour watch.

I just want to hurt myself and release some tension but they wont give me a minute alone.

Im aware my posts are extremely negative and dont expect anyone to read them i just need an outlet.

EVeryones getting on with ther lives it wouldnt matter if i wasnt here. Im so tired. Its a fight that i cannot win....

Giving in and giving up...

Im tired.

I stopped my feed after 3 hours today because i just couldnt handle it.

I dont know what to do anymore. 

I saw my dietician and she said id end up back on the medical ward soon if something didnt change but i just dont care enough.

My bmi is 13 now and i swore id stop at that but i cant i have to go lower.

I just dont know when is going to be low enough.

Im miserable in here but i cant do what i have to do to get out.

Im not using much energy so i figure i dont need much energy.

I am just sitting or lying down surely i dont need calories for that!

WHen i get to a bmi of 12 i will try and maintain there.

Until then....

I cannot do this anymore,i cannot eat.

Late night rambles...

What to do when you cant sleep?

Blog!!!

My mind is racing and wont let me rest!

I thought i had made up my mind about studying healthcare in September but i just dont know. Something doesnt feel quite right. I keep coming back to fashion. I feel like i have no more time to waste and i have to get this decision right. But I just cannot decide and its driving me crazy!

I thought i wanted to stay away from fashion because it could be triggering...but the more i think about it,the more i think healthcare could be also. I guess there will be triggers throughout life whatever i do and instead of avoiding them,i have to learn to deal with them and not let them affect me.

Both courses start the second week in September so i know i have more time to think,but not knowing which i want to do is making me wonder can i do either of them?

Maybe i should just go back to the safe little world of anorexia...

I have regained the weight i lost in Lanzarote and more on top of that.

I have exactly one stone to gain and i will be at my target weight.

I look so huge compared to my lowest weight,its hard to accept the changes in my body but i definitely appreciate this new found energy that comes from some good nutrition :o)

Living is fun again..

But also extremely scary!

I catch myself thinking several times a day,how much easier it would be to go back to anorexia.

So safe.

Reliable.

Comforting.

But i cant go back. Im not sure id find my way back out again.

So onwards and upwards it is!!!

xxx

Progress x

Just saw Y my dietician and she agreed to reduce the ng feed down by a couple of hundred calories on the condition i stick to the meal plan. I think this is a gooooood indication of progress :-) ???

I ate so much yesterday and today my tummy is swollen and looks pregnant lol! It wouldnt feel so bad if i just had the ng or was just eating but having both is giving my head trouble!

I guess the main thing is to get the ng out and get off bedrest which is a BMI of 15. Dr. M says once i get there its up to me if i want to learn to maintain that weight for the moment or if i want to gain more. I think you can guess my answer to that!!!

I feel much better physically apart from being exhausted all the time,which seems ridiculous when ive been lying in bed for almost a month now.

Part of me is desperate to get to 15 but the other part of me is scared. It means the next stage of recovery,i know things have to change if i want to move forward but again it comes back to me being scared to move forward even if deep down i know that IS what i want...oh i dont even know if i am making sense here...

Y is off til wednesday so a bit worried about that. I need her constant reassurance about the exact amount of calories etc....i think i have in some ways become even more obsessive about them and find myself topping up sums in my head all day long.

I asked Dr M if she thought id ever recover and she said she wouldnt have me using up one of her precious beds if i didnt really need it...i still feel rather like i dont belong here or i shouldnt got my weight down even further and then maybe i would deserve the help i am getting. But then again i had a lucky escape coming in when i did because ended up on the medical ward that very night at serious risk of heart attack.

I guess we can only push our bodies so far before they start to fail. Something im just realising.

A lovely friend gave me an angel recently and that is over my bed and reminds me of getting my sparkley pink angel wings intact lol!!!!

I better go,feeding time at the zoo again...xxx