Giving in and giving up...

Im tired.

I stopped my feed after 3 hours today because i just couldnt handle it.

I dont know what to do anymore. 

I saw my dietician and she said id end up back on the medical ward soon if something didnt change but i just dont care enough.

My bmi is 13 now and i swore id stop at that but i cant i have to go lower.

I just dont know when is going to be low enough.

Im miserable in here but i cant do what i have to do to get out.

Im not using much energy so i figure i dont need much energy.

I am just sitting or lying down surely i dont need calories for that!

WHen i get to a bmi of 12 i will try and maintain there.

Until then....

I cannot do this anymore,i cannot eat.

Hospital,NG,ECT,Special-update!

Well its been awhile.

My last update i was starting day hospital. 

I completed three weeks of it afterwhich i took a serious paracetamol overdose which almost resulted in me needing a liver transplant. I was very lucky to have survived and im greatful for all the help and support i was given during this time.

I know suicide is selfish but i honestly saw no other way out of this hell and not just for me but for the people who still unbelivabley care about me.

Once i was physically better i was admitted to the physch ward for a short period of time and then went home feeling more hopeful and regretting what i did.

However that didnt last long.

Ive been back in hospital over two months now on a NG feed and 24/7 nurse. Ive also been undergoing a course of ECT.

I have to admit im more fighting againest them then working with them. Any chance i get i turn off the feed and taking food orally is an ordeal.

Anytime i eat i feel like i have to punish myself in some way so they are doing room checks four times a day as one night i wrapped a cord around my neck and turned blue they had to cut me free. When i write about this it doesnt feel like me,like i would do these crazy things but i just cant help myself.

Ive also been having problems with very low glucose levels and needing glycogen injections and glucose ivs regularly to stop me going into a coma.

Yesterday they wheeled me down to the coffee shop for a break from the ward as i was too weak to walk and the ECT left me in so much pain. I had three visitors today which was a nice distraction.

Getting tied now but will write again soon.

Thank u to anyone/everyone who still believed in me without u i would long have given up.

All my love,

Aoifs xxx

Day one-a fresh start!

Today is day one of my new meal plan.

I asked for it.

I told my team i wanted to gain weight and wanted them to give me a target weight.

Since coming out of hospital ive been just kind of floating...not really committed to change. 

But today that changes!!!

For bloody good!

I havent felt so ill in a long time and its all self inflicted!

My laxative abuse is out of control but i am going cold turkey as and from today.

I feel weridly excited!

Excited not to wake up in pain.

Excited not to feel dizzy and faint.

Excited to have energy again.

Excited i have premission to eat a certain amount,its like i have to do it,i have no choice,i signed a contract with my dietician,felt like i was signing my life away but infact its the complete opposite! Im going to gain my life back.

If after Day Hospital ends im still struggling i will go back into hospital and do the complete eating disorder programme and i told my docter if that happens that no matter what i say dont let me discharge myself until i am at a healthy happy weight.

But actually im feeling so determined i think im going to be able to do this at home.

Im not an idiot,i know there will be slip ups but everyone has them no matter what the situation and the important thing is to learn from them and move on.

I am done with being ill and miserable and missing out on all the fun things life has to offer.

I am so lucky in so many ways,its time i really realised that.

So here goes! Now im off to have dinner! Wish me luck!!!

Love Aoife x

Fighting back x

Hi guys!

Well its a saturday night again and unfortuanately im still not up to doing too much so going out for a weekend boogie is out of the question. But still who needs that when youve got Britians Got Talent ;)

I made it to my appointment on Wednesday,saw the doc,the dietician got my injection and bloods done which came back a bit crap and resulted in me being wheeled down to A&E. They fixed me up and sent me home with supplements and im definitely feeling stronger.

Ive had a few spoonfuls of porridge the pasr three mornings and i think thats really helped my energy levels.

Which is good as im going to need it now im starting Day hospital on Monday.

Im so nervous!!!

Its Monday to Friday for six weeks and includes things such as self esteem and confidance buliding as well as relaxation classes. Its probably not going to be a miracle cure but it cant do any harm and will give me a purpose everyday to get out of the house which cant be at all bad.

My weight is dropping very slowly now so nothing drastic but i know if i want to be healthy and happy it should be going the other way. I just cant imagine being happy at a higher weight when im already so unhappy at this weight...

Ive been stressing over what to do once i get better...if i get better...what do i do with my life?

But i guess i should focus more on the here and now for the moment?

Love Aoifs x

London and eating and not eating and potassium and stuff...

Hmmm now where did i leave off?

I went out to dinner with my friends and not only survived it,bloody enjoyed it too.

It wasnt until the next day the guilt set in when i stepped on the scales and saw the number rise ever so slightly.

I know i know i should throw away the scale! But i simply cannot cope without knowing the number. Ive really tried to break this habit but so far i am losing.

I was reduced to the usual ed behaviours in order to lose the offending weight.

Then on Monday i flew to London.

I knew before i went i wasnt feeling top notch but has that ever stopped me before?

In fairness im usually pretty good at knowing if im going to be ok or if im going to end up in a&e and i made it home in one piece today despite the hospital calling me while i was away to tell my potassium levels were quite low. Now any sensible person would go eat a few bananas and go get their bloods checked...me? I ate the banana,then purged the banana,then took laxatives.

FFS.

I know i am a prize idiot.

I know its ME doing these things.

I am in control.

But like ive said many times i feel very out of control.

Or is it that im so very controlled its out of control...

ok now im rambling...

I have an appointment with my doc and dietician on wednesday and im really going to try and take care and try and keep all behaviours as low key as possible.

Another one of the joys of anorexia is Osteopina which i think is what is causing me so much back ache recently. Im due another bone scan soon and im curious to see what the results will be and has the osteopina actually got worse or is it just coincidance.

I have to mention i spent time with my amazing niece,brother and sis in law while i was in London and it was the hightlight of my trip.

Now time for bed...what else would a 28 year old be doing on a saturday night at 7.30pm?

;)

Love Aoife x

Not just eating...

....but eating out. With people. In a restraunt. In public.

Que panic.

Valium please.

This will be happening tomorrow night.

By choice.

I could NOT go, like i have millions of other times but that would be the easy option and im up for a challenge. And a challenge it is.

Ive looked up and examined carefully the menu online.

ALL of the mains are a no go.

But they do salads as starters...so...would it be ok to have a starter as a main course? Surely im not the only person on the planet who will have asked this?

I just want to go and there be no fuss just FUN.

I dont want it to be about the food.

Its about friends.

FABULOUS friends may i add.

I dont see them nearly enough but they never fail to make me smile.

Now...what to wear...

Wish me luck xxx

Distraction x

I dont know what i want to write but i need to write.

Ive just had a little something to eat and need distraction fast.

I saw T at the hospital today,i cried so much i felt drained after the time we spent together.

She encouraged this outburst of tears,much to my surprise and said it was a good thing to let it all out.

The thing is i dont know what exactly i was letting out.

I felt a bit better afterwards so perhaps she was right. She usually is.

I told her i wouldnt be missed if i was to die. That it would be a relief to people. I cause pain. Remove me,remove the pain.

She said she would be heartbroken if i died. That my dad would never get over it.

I say im more of a burden to people than anything else.

I honestly dont know whats true.

But hey,another day has passed. Made it!!! ;)

Love Aoife x

Punishment...

Its been a rather yucky couple of days.

I choose to eat on monday night and keep it down and this resulted in me self harming.

The only way i can explain this to someone who might think im just crazy is i felt i needed to be punished in some other way because i ate. If i eat there is consequences.

Self harming for me only happens every now and then when im in desperate need of some sort of release.

That night i was desperate.

My dad bandaged up my arms and i saw Dr. M this afternoon and now im feeling rather stupid but much better after talking it all through.

Dr.M said she was worried more about the anorexia and the rate it was going rather than my mood but didnt know what she could do to help me except hope day hospital works some magic for the moment.

Its up to me. I know.

And thats what makes all this so hard...

Sleepy but not sleepy enough...

My eyes feel tired but i cannot sleep.

Thoughts of food and weight take over my mind as i lay my head to my pillow and try and get comfortable.

I feel sad tonight.

About alot of things that i dont have the heart or energy to go into now.

But i just wish my head would leave me be.

Sounds strange but you know what i mean? All those conflicting distressing thoughts that haunt me especially at night when its quiet and im trying to sleep.

I wish they werent there.

I wish i was free.

A friend told me today what i was doing was my choice.

It kind of made me angry.

I didnt know anorexia was a choice. I certainly didnt ask for it. And if i did i want my money back please.

I can see her point in one way. 

To the outside world it looks like i choose not to feed myself. But i WANT to feed myself.

More than anything.

I want to sit down at the dinner table without panic and fear and complete a meal.

Ive tried to do it. I TRY to do it. I WAS doing it at different stages.

But right now i simply cant.

Now come the tears...

Night angels xxx

Feel the fear...

...and do it anyway.

And that is what i have done today.

Three meals.

My tummy round and bulging.

A food baby.

Its not getting any easier.

They wont tell me my weight.

I imagine i have gained an awful lot.

Much more than i can deal with.

Surely i should know my weight that way i wont get too much of a shock when i do eventually get to weigh myself?

And why does it even matter so much?

Why do i care so much?

I dont judge any of my friends on their weight.

I swear i dont.

Why do i think they would do it to me?

I imagine they are repulsed by what they see and cant help but be disgusted by my size.

What are they going to think if i keep getting bigger and bigger?

What if i lose all control???

Hospital life

Three weeks in hospital today and everything is okay.

My next tribunal isnt for 3 months but Dr M says she will discharge me way before then :)

Im still on the NG but not using it as much as i have been eating a little.

That feeling of food in my tummy is one of the worst feelings there is,i long to be empty again,to feel hunger...

Im trying to stick to some sort of meal plan but i dont know how long i can keep it up for.The only thing that makes me feel better is starving and losing weight. I feel disgusting eating. I dont want to do it but its the only way out. And i know i cant stop again as soon as i get out or ill end up back in. I have to find some sort of middle ground.

I dont just want a quick fix. I need to do this properly somehow.

I have no idea how...

Round and round she goes...

Yet again i have ended up in hospital.

My 3rd admission this year...nothing to be proud of.

I am disappointed in myself.

That i let this happen again.

After my last admission i was eating well and continued to gain weight.

I reached my highest weight in years and sheer panic took over and i stopped eating.

My weight became unstable,my bloods became unstable and i became unstable.

Afraid to leave the house for what people may think of my weight gain.

So here i am back on the psych ward and back on a NG tube under section.

I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed.

But...id rather be honest than keep hiding away.

Im having ECT treatment again and after only one session it is helping already.

Im getting tube fed 20 hours a day and expected to eat on top of that which really seems near impossible. I am managing little bits now which is some improvement but each mouthful is full of guilt.

I know i will bounce back from this as i usually do...but how long for? And is it worth it?

I just dont know anymore...

xxx

Today is hard...

Its just one of those days.

Dad is away and i seem to fall apart on my own. Its only been 24 hours and everything seems too much. Eating is impossible. I feel like crying but im afraid i wont stop.

Im doing the best i have ever done with recovery. My weight is steadily increasing and im eating well with little or no behaviours.

I couldnt have done this living alone. I am so happy to be living back home.

Its days like today that make me realise i made the right decision.

Even though it feels like a failure in a way.

Now i LOOK normal,i feel i should ACT normal,but i dont FEEL normal...if that makes sense.

I expect everyone thinks i am fine now because i look fine when inside i am so scared.

Scared of the future. I imagine everyone feels this way at some stage,its just when i usually feel it i run back into the arms of anorexia. And i cant...wont...do that this time.

The easy thing to do would be to go back.

Im not going to take the easy route.

No matter how scared and overwhelmed i may be.

The weight gain is extremely difficult to get used to. I feel utter disgust at my body at the moment and i havent even reached my target weight yet. It seems ridiculous i could still have more to gain. Its so hard. A layer of fat now covers where my bones used to protrude. My tummy sticks out. My face is round. I can pinch the flesh around the tops of my arms.

I cant actually bare to think about it...

I have to chose what course to do at the end of September and i am at a loss.

I am really just doing a course because i think its expected of me now im well enough to study.

Dad is giving me no pressure whats so ever to go back to college,he thinks i should just catch up on life and all the fun ive missed out on over the years. But hey that doesnt pay the bills does it? ;o)

More than anything i need something to occupy my time.

Im joining the gym when i return home from London and plan to go most days so that will give me a purpose to get out of the house. And were also going to get a little dog again i think,mans best friend and all that!

So i do have plenty to look forward to.

Just got to keep swimming......xxx

Back in action...

So its been awhile!

A few days after i wrote my last post i was admitted to a medical ward with dangerously low potassium and magnesium levels. I was getting chest pain,palpations,dizziness and pins and needles. After two potassium drips,several ECGs and a heart monitor i was stable enough to be moved to the psych ward. My weight loss continued at a fast pace and soon enough i was on an NG tube.

My admission lasted only 5 weeks with my team saying they had done all they can for me as an inpatient and the power to change is in my hands.

I will see them twice a week and i am sticking to a reasonable meal plan.

Something is different this time though. I dont want to just get by or keep my weight at this level,i want to get to a healthy weight and be healthy in mind and body for once.

Im determined to slowly get there.

I want to put anorexia behind me.

So ive got a month to see how i do and if i cant stick to the meal plan or if i am losing weight im going to do a full inpatient eating disorder programme and committ however long it takes and whatever it takes for me to be completely healthy again.

For the moment im trying to do it on the outside and have got a fab holiday with the girls coming up next weekend. Im going to try and go away and leave anorexia at home if at all possible.

So thats the plan!

Sorry ive havent got to write in ages,hopefully i will keep it up now im back.

Lots of love from Aoifs xxx

Feeling low...

I dont know what i want to write...i just feel the need to write...

After my appointment yesterday im feeling quite low.

I didnt see Dr M and saw a reg instead which was a little bit of a waste of time as i can only really be honest with Dr M. 

I seem to be going round in circles time and time again. I lose weight,end up in hospital,gain weight,get depressed,lose weight again,end up in hospital and so on.The reg asked me what they can do to help me out of this cycle and neither of us knew the answer.

I feel like there is no answer.

This is me full of self pity and feeling sorry for myself im sorry,i just feel completely alone with these negative thoughts.

Since i last wrote ive been losing weight again,nothing drastic but its the ONLY thing making me feel a bit better.

Ive been trying to be positive and happy but the mask is slowly slipping.

Im at a loss.

I dont know how people recover,i really dont. Even when im doing better,eating and at a healthier weight,anorexia is always with me,always by my side,whispering in my ear.

Does it ever really go away???

xxx

Late night rambles...

What to do when you cant sleep?

Blog!!!

My mind is racing and wont let me rest!

I thought i had made up my mind about studying healthcare in September but i just dont know. Something doesnt feel quite right. I keep coming back to fashion. I feel like i have no more time to waste and i have to get this decision right. But I just cannot decide and its driving me crazy!

I thought i wanted to stay away from fashion because it could be triggering...but the more i think about it,the more i think healthcare could be also. I guess there will be triggers throughout life whatever i do and instead of avoiding them,i have to learn to deal with them and not let them affect me.

Both courses start the second week in September so i know i have more time to think,but not knowing which i want to do is making me wonder can i do either of them?

Maybe i should just go back to the safe little world of anorexia...

I have regained the weight i lost in Lanzarote and more on top of that.

I have exactly one stone to gain and i will be at my target weight.

I look so huge compared to my lowest weight,its hard to accept the changes in my body but i definitely appreciate this new found energy that comes from some good nutrition :o)

Living is fun again..

But also extremely scary!

I catch myself thinking several times a day,how much easier it would be to go back to anorexia.

So safe.

Reliable.

Comforting.

But i cant go back. Im not sure id find my way back out again.

So onwards and upwards it is!!!

xxx

A little taste of normality...

I woke up this morning STARVING!

I dont know if it was the alcohol from the night before or what it was but there was no ignoring this hunger.

I made myself scrambled egg.

I ate it.

And i feel almost good about it!

I weighed myself.

The number has crept up.

I dont care SO much.

Im not going to do my usual 500 leg lifts.

Screw that.

No jogging on the spot either.

I LOVE these days.

When i feel FREE.

Almost...normal?

It probably helped that i went out last night with friends and just had FUN.

It felt good.

So what if i dont weigh 5 stone anymore...who REALLY cares except me?

Do i really want to go down that road yet again?

What is there to gain?

Theres everything to lose.

Its Fathers Day and my dad is due home from Lanzarote this evening.

Im going to take him out to dinner.

And enjoy it.

Two fingers up to anorexia!!!

xxx

Thoughts...

Living alone is hard.

My anorexia loves it.

I love it...at times. 

At other times,not so much.

Im torn between what my eating disorder wants and what i want.

Its very easy not to eat.

It feels good.

But of course we have to eat to stay alive.

I like food.

But i dont deserve food.

I enjoy eating.

So i dont eat as a punishment.

I eat,i feel bad mentally. 

I dont eat,i feel bad physically.

Eating disorders are bloody complex!!!

If only there was a tablet we could take or an operation to remove it.

A magical cure.

A quick fix.

Instead it takes time. Alot of time. And hard work.

But ive seen people recover.

I know its possible.

I just dont know if its possible for me...

xxx

Home sweet home...

Well i made it home in one piece!

Although with a very burnt red nose and a misplaced suitcase!

Sudacream should fix the nose and the case has been found but yet to be delivered!

After eating very little and dropping half a stone while away,all hell broke loose as I let myself eat today.

I know logically it would be considered a 'normal' amount but it feels like a binge.

I feel FULL. BLOATED. UNCOMFORTABLE.

I long for the emptiness again.

I inevitably ended up in the chemist to get my supply of laxatives. Trying to remember which chemists ive been to recently and which ones wont recongnize me.

My dad cried this morning.

It was truely awful.

I am a horrible person.

A terrible daughter.

A waste xxx

´Dont look...just dont look...

I tell myself this as i walk briskly through the door of the supermarket. As i head straight for my diet coke i dont dare even dream of looking at anything else.
SImply because looking leads to temptation and temptation can lead to purchasing all sorts of items. Having such forbidden foods at my hands may lead to consumption which inevitably leads to this chubby exterior getting even chubbier.
I cant have that.
I wont allow it.
Anorexia wont allow it.
But oh how good the freshly backed bread smells...STOP IT!!!
GET OUT OF THE SUPERMARKET RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!
Surely one small soft doughy breadroll cant do to much harm?
DONT LISTEN!!! CARBS ARE THE DEVIL!
Safely out of the supermarket with my diet coke supply for the day,i walk as fast as i can along the beach,temptation haunting me at every corner.
ICE CREAM!
Soft and soothing.
SUGAR AND FAT.
I imagine indulging in it once again...
There would be too many reprecussions i decide.
Later i lay by the poolside in the sunshine as i watch couples and familes laugh and argue in equal measures. I long for it...
NORMALITY.
But i am still caught up in this insanity xxx