Numbers game...

Its never low enough.

I promised myself when i got to a BMI of 13 id maintain and now i just have to lose more and more until i disappear hopefully. Im refusing the feed and eating a small portion of sweetcorn a day. I have to get really low this time. None of this messing about. Ill get to 9 and then stop.

I feel like being very destructive but thats very hard when ur on 24 hour watch.

I just want to hurt myself and release some tension but they wont give me a minute alone.

Im aware my posts are extremely negative and dont expect anyone to read them i just need an outlet.

EVeryones getting on with ther lives it wouldnt matter if i wasnt here. Im so tired. Its a fight that i cannot win....

Further along the road...

Since i last wrote there has been some changes. Some good. Some not so.

Anorexia has taken a back seat in some respects. Im eating well most of the time. I have energy. Im not tired all the time. I have started working as a fashion intern in a clothes store and love it. Tomorrow i finally start the image and styling course i was supposed to do two years ago. I went on holiday with two friends and had so much fun. I ate and drank and was 'normal'. It felt nice to be normal for that week.

I came home and struggled with the inevitable weight gain but have managed to maintain it. However it seems whenever anorexia leaves me be,depression hits me hard. It can be crippling. I didnt leave the house for three days this week and when i tried i only got as far as the bus stop. I am sure people are looking at me and thinking how fat i have become. That i dont deserve to eat. That i dont deserve to be healthy.

I am still underweight yet these new curves terrify me.

Bum.

Boobs.

Hips.

CURVES.

Why are they so scary?

My new womanly shape depresses me greatly.

I am scared of what comes with it...

The only answer i feel is to lose weight again.

It feels like a choice between anorexia or depression?

Surely there is a healthy in between?

I hope i find it.

I hope we all find it.

Love Aoifs xXx