Well that didnt last long...x

Hey guys,

For some reason my followers could not view my blog when i went private so im making it public again! I still wont be putting notification updates on facebook or twitter though so keep an eye out for further ramblings here!

Today has been the hardest day ive had in quite awhile.

Ive had every ed behaviour under the sun and feel like hell.

Completely worn out and disappointed in myself.

Ive stopped taking all meds for a number of reasons i dont really want to go in to here but i think its the right decision for me at the moment.

Feeling a little uneasy about the break from treatment over Christmas but also looking forward to it in a way...that probably doesnt make sense!

I'll leave it there for now,sleep is calling!

Sarah if youre reading this,youre always in my thoughts,please keep fighting,i know you can find your way out x

Love Aoifs xXx

Moving on up&going private x

Hey guys!

Just a little update and also to mention to anyone that reads this im setting my blog to private from this week,if you want to keep reading please just follow me. Also i wont be posting my update notifications on facebook or twitter anymore.

Things here have been going much much better. Im still eating well most days and getting closer and closer to target weight. Its scary as hell but im not stopping until i get there.

Recently a number of conversations ive had with different friends and family have just made me so determined to fully recover.

Ive let anorexia rule my life for over 12 years now and its just far too long. I really feel its now or never. I could easily just go along day to day existing and not really living,but i dont want to settle for that anymore. I want a real life,even though it terrifies me just thinking of it.I know its got to be better than another year with an eating disorder.

I want a job and a boyfriend and a house and eventually a marriage and a babies!

I definitely cant hold onto the anorexia and have all those things.

Therapy with Triona is also going really well,its definitely helping me this time round.

She sees people change their lives and live their dreams all the time and she says i can be one of those people too if i keep going in the right direction...and you know, im starting to believe her...

Love Aoifs xXx

Tips for surviving Christmas x

The following tips along with much more information on eating disorders can be found here- http://www.bodywhys.ie/

The nature of an eating disorder can mean that Christmas can be a particularly difficult time of year.

Some helpful tips for coping with the pressures that can arise at Christmas time:

• Try not to isolate yourself.
• In advance of Christmas, let people know how you are feeling. Talk to them about your fears around food. Try to ease the stress by identifying what might make things less stressful for you. Write out a list and share it with your family. This could help you negotiate ways of having your needs met. Present your list as your coping tools so that others may engage positively to support you in using them.
• If you can identify a family member that you can confide in, enlist their support and work out with them specific ways of coping with the pressures of the day. The more aware they are of your needs, the more confident and willing they will be to help you.
• Write down your feelings if you feel scared. Writing them down can help to dilute or dissipate the feeling.
• Try and keep to your own routine around meal times, etc., if this is important to you.
• Arrange that whoever is doing the cooking knows that you need to have some control over what you eat. Try to negotiate ways of having your needs met well in advance of Christmas Day to prevent a build up of anxiety and stress.

• Try and take time-out from the ‘crowd’, to read quietly, to take a walk, or to listen to music. Tell people in advance that it would help you to be allowed to do this.
• Try to keep things in perspective by taking a realistic view of food and drink. They are only two of the many pleasurable activities at this time of year.
• Be prepared for comments about food and plan your response. Avoid reacting defensively. Instead, respond in a way that invites others to respect your needs(Example: “It’s important for me to be able to manage things at my own pace at this moment” / “If I am allowed to manage things my own way, it will help me to feel less stressed”)
• Try not to expect too much – either of yourself or others, or even of the day – and you will avoid feeling disappointed.
• It is important to remember that you deserve to be happy too, so choose what you want to do as much as you can.
• Whatever way it turns out, remember that Christmas is just one day out of 365 days, so don’t panic.
• Give yourself the gift of acceptance. You are as you are.
• If you really cannot face the celebrations, explore ways of helping others, or escape within the home, if that is possible.
• Try and stay with the present and not look back or forward. It is, after all, only one day.
• If you are feeling overwhelmed, don’t be hard on yourself. Christmas can be overwhelming at the best of times!

 I hope this helps some of you get through the holidays!!! 

Love Aoifs xXx

Be Body Confidant like Louise x

Love this lady!

Listen up girls!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa5aaA-zvxY

Love Aoifs xXx

Day 12... x

...of eating well.

I have no idea if i have gained or lost weight.

I PRESUME i have gained.

Im staying far away from the scales.

The important thing is to be eating well.

Still with very little compensations.

But im not perfect ;o)

I have slipped up.

But everyone does dont they?

Just got to keep swimming.

Its strange. I think i can accept a weight gain but im afraid of what others will think of me.

People expect me not to eat.

People expect me to be thin.

Because thats what anorexia looks like to people doesnt it?

Well what if i want to eat?

What if i just want to be normal?

What if i dont what to be defined by 'anorexia'?

In afraid to change.

But im doing it.

I may only be 12 days in this time round but its 12 days closer to freedom.

Please if you could think of my friend who is not very well and in a high dependency unit at the moment.

The harsh reality of anorexia.

Keep fighting Sarah xXx

3 days in x

So its wednesday nite...well technically thursday morning but hey!

Which means its 3 days since i promised Sarah and myself i would really throw myself into recovery and bloody concentrate and put all my efforts into getting well...and thats exactly what ive been doing.

Im eating. Eating well. With little or no compensations. 

It feels...

UNCOMFORTABLE.

To say the least.

But ive been here before,many a time and i want to make this the last time.

I really truely do.

Sometimes we push our bodies to the brink and it is only when we get a shock we realise what weve been doing to ourselves all along...and sometimes,sometimes...that may be just too late.

My little friend still has air in her lungs which to me means there is still hope.

She is trying,i know she is. And i believe in her.

Sarah if youre reading this,prove the docters wrong.

Show them the strength i know you have hidden inside you.

You can beat it!!!

See you tomorrow munchkin,sleep tight.

Love Aoifs xXx

A special promise to be unbroken x

This morning i made a very precious friend a promise i would fight and not give up until i got better.

This is a promise i cannot break.

I will NOT break.

I dont care if i have a bad day or a 100 bad days.

I will eat.

Everyone deserves to eat.

Theres nothing wrong with eating.

Eating will do nothing but give me my life back.

I will no doubt come here and moan and cry about being fat and wanting to give up.

But i wont give up.

I cant now.

Im in it til i win it!!!!!!!!!

The pink cupcake is for you Sarah.

Love Aoifs xXx

Cant find the way out x

'And i know its crazy...but thats the state im in.'

Escaped to our country home this week and it was nice to get away for a few days.

I just wish i could get away from my head.

I had a chat with dad before we went that i would really try get back on track with eating again.

And i did to some extent.

I did good Monday and Tuesday and then got food poisoning and of course i took this as a sign i shouldnt have ate all i had,that it was a sign i ate too much,a sign i should stick to my more restrictive diet.

And so back i go.

I know letting myself fall back isnt a great thing but losing weight is the only thing that seems to help lift the depression a little.

I want to be small again.

Tiny.

Disappear maybe.

'I cant escape my thoughts.'

Love Aoifs xXx

How the world looks x

"From the outside looking in, you cant understand it...from the inside looking out, you cant explain it."

Love Aoifs xXx

Losing hope x

Love Aoifs xXx