Cannot do this x

I cant. I actually cannot do this anymore. Wake up everyday thinking about food,try and eat whats on my meal plan,staying up til 5 in the morning thinking about how little i can eat the next day,what im going to eat,where im going to eat...finally falling asleep exhausted only to wake up and do the same thing again. I feel sickly. I ate so much today i could cry. We're in our house in the country so ive eatin more than usual and i cant cope with it. It makes me want to eat nothing tomorrow. It disgusts me that i let all that food past my lips.

I had a shower today with my eyes closed. I could  feel every extra inch of flesh i have gainned.

It has to go.

How can i live like this?

Live in this body.

How can i hurt people all over again?

I wish i could be normal.Ive tried it.Really tried.

It hurts. Its abnormal.

I have a switch (i think everyone has one) that i can flick on and talk the talk when im with people 'Oh im so much better,it feels amazing,i want to keep going with recovery,making lots of plans for the future blah blah f*cking blah'

Selfish b*tch.

Why did they even save me?

Freedom...x

Hi lovelies,

In bed on a saturday night....actually have been in bed all day. So incredibly tired and sore. Ive just been sleeping and waking up at meal times to make sure i stick to the plan,which i have!

Im tired of resting but anything i do exhausts me and this confuses me as i am eating well with no ed behaviours to compensate.

Man i am just tiiiired.

Surely now im eating well i should be full of energy?

I dont know.

I know i must be still getting bigger,i can see the bones disappearing and the extra layers of fat covering them up.

I cant tell you how horrific this makes me feel.

Sometimes(and i KNOW this is awful)i think dying would be easier for everyone involved.

I would be free. My dad and family and friends might hurt but i honestly sometimes believe me not being around would be better for everybody,not just me. With time they would realise the relief.

Im not going to act on these thoughts,they are just feelings.

Just the truth.

Love Aoifs xxx

Falling down and weighing up x

Hi guys,

Oh.my.god.it is freaking freezing out!

This morning i was at the hospital and it went ok,weight up by like half a pound and bloods passable. Therapy still waiting to start and dietician next week when im back to see my psych who today greeted me with- 'Cute outfit' Now coming from a woman in her 40s im not sure this is a compliment lol ;o)

Anyway....

I then went into town to meet a friend for coffee but before i made it for the door i fell flat on the pavement. Ouch. My hands saved most of me but my leg oh dear god double ouch,i think i pulled a muscle or something cause its so sore when i walk! And a nice bloody knee to go with it. Perhaps indeed i am NOT superwoman and am still getting used to being up and about.

I got coffee and a pretty dress....worth the fall....haha sorry im joking. U dont laigh,you cry.

Back to bedrest.

Lovce Aoifs xxx



The dreaded weigh in...x

Fuckty fuck fuck.

Excuse the language!

Tomorrows weigh day and i am bricking it.

Its like torture every week.

I might plead my case and remind them i was weighed on tuesday so i should really not be weighed until next week.

A girl can try.

My eating today was perfectly normal,i wish it could be like that every day. It still feels wrong.

It still feels i shouldnt be allowed to eat.

BUT

I guess this means im pretty much winning so far ;o)

Love Aoifs xxx

Im doing it x

This recovery at home business is bloody hard work.
Dont get me wrong,im doing it.
But its going against everything in my head.
The guilt is still killing me at each meal.
But im doing it.

Its not so surprising really as during my admission i had no therapy. At all.
Im on the waiting list and near the top so hopefully that will help in some way?
Maybe someone can tell me how to get rid of those feeling of pure guilt,of desperation,of pure dread...
But im doing it.

Im back at the hospital on friday morning and think it will go ok because im bloody well doing it and not just saying im doing it.

Anorexias a bitch.

Just thought id get that out there.

Love Aoifs xxx

The pink cake did the trick x

Well it worked. Im home sweet home. Its a rather odd feeling to be honest. I am back in control. I decide when or if i eat or drink and take my meds. My recovery is in my hands...and thats a little scary.

I ate as much as i could in a bid for freedom. Now im left with guilt and a few extra pounds. I even surpassed my target,which now reads 5 stone 8 pounds. I wouldnt mind ever so much if those extra 8 pounds where to disappear...but then the logical part of me knows that would be a complete waste of this admission and all the help i was lucky enough to get.

Im finding it particulary hard to come to terms with the fact that i am at such a weight as when i look in the mirror i see 15 stone not 5. I see the chubby cheeks,the bingo wings,the love handles,i see the fat consuming me and feel powerless to stop it unless i stop eating.

However despite these clear anorexic thoughts i am determnied to try maitain my weight and attend all of my OP appointments. I will be seeing my psych,dietician,therapist and art therapist once a week and i think once i am honest with them things will continue to improve.

Now.....what on earth do i have for dinner? One of my fat free yogurts? Nah dont think so lol ;o) Bad joke.

Take care lovelies,
Aoifs xxx

Sorry...

....i think i may have forgot to mention something very important-

Cake.

PINK cake.

That is all.

xxx

Comments from others x

While in recovery or at any stage of an eating disorder for that matter,recieving comments good or bad can be absolutely detrimental.

In the past while in recovery and hearing a  comment such as 'Youre looking better' or 'You look well' has always reduced me to tears and been a huge trigger for me to run back to the safety of my anorexia. When well meaning friends/relatives say such comments they do so to make us feel good,to encourage us,they dont mean what we (anorexics/bulimics etc) hear. What we hear is much different. I used to immeditaly turn these comments into something negative such as 'You've gained weight' or 'You look fatter' or something of this nature.

This is something i think alot of people with eating disorders find hard,i know i did and still do at times but ive learnt to just accept these comments as compliments as that is exactly what they are. For example if someone said to you 'Youre looking well' it doesnt translate into 'Youre looking fat' people could simply mean you are dressed well,your hair is nice,you have a healthy glow etc.

Weight may not even have entered their heads!

After coming out of my last stint in hospital in May,i must have recieved about 100 comments on how well and better i looked,infact it happened so often i had little choice but to accept these comments gratefully and in the end i grew to LIKE people complimenting me and now have a big head haha.

I think the most important thing to remember is peoples comments are mostly very well meaning and they are trying to give you a compliment....i think instead of laughing it off we should turn around and say THANK YOU.

Love Aoifs xxx

All about the cake x

Not just cake...PINK CAKE. 

Oh how i love thee...why must u be so evil yet so yummy.
I am on a  mission to gain weight so i am going to have my cake and eat it and enjoy it. And i might make it a regular thing just because....ive missed out on many a cake over the years so logically i should really catch up? ;o)

Live love eat cake.

xxx

Medication x

So tuesday has come and gone and not a pound in sight. 0.1kg up. Ffs. Here i am eating more than i have in bloody ages and THAT was my increase! I didnt know wether to laugh or cry so i did both.

I have 1.25kg to gain before i get to a BMI of 14....is this possible before next weigh in on tuesday,damn im gonna make it possible. Today i ate CAKE and it was bloody good AND it was PINK and there was little guilt. Could it get any better?

The past few days have been hard,they are changing my medication reducing one anti-depressant and increasing a new one. Now its a waiting game! I dont know about meds,i mean wether i agree with them or not but ive always taken them whenever prescribed since the age of 15. They dont take the sadness away or the desperation but can take the edge off or give u a false high (this is just m,y experience of them) Another med im on makes me quite dopey and slow and i hate that but they say i need to stay on it to be well.

Meds or no meds....that is the question?

Love Aoifs xxx