A view from the other side x

Hey all.

So I just thought id come write here tonight. Its been on my mind recently that i wanted to write and share how different my life is now.

Where to start?

I am the first to admit I am far from perfect,I still have quite a bit of work to do but that will come with time. Since I got discharged in May i have maintained my weight give or take a pound. I mean its gone up a couple of times and back down but it settles around the same weight. Not a 'healthy' weight but definitely a safe weight. I can walk. I can run. I can function. I can get through 5 days a week of college 9-4. I can concentrate. I can learn. I can do. I can eat. I can drink. I can dance all night long.I can socialise. I can enjoy. I can laugh. I can SMILE. 

And its a real smile.

I honestly feel for the first time in 11 years...free.

Happier.

Healthier.

I NEVER thought i would feel these things again.

I thought i lost them a long time ago...turns out they were just in hiding. Anorexia was my whole world. Im ashamed to admit i cared about little else but my illness. It was my everything. It consumed my every waking moment. It was selfish. But i was trapped.

I was also very lucky. 

I convinced myself i was fine.

But deep down i was terrified.

Terrified my team were telling me the truth and that i would die.

Yet also terrified to take the steps to change and leave the ED behind.

There were many moments when i thought dying would be easier. Not just for me. But for anyone who was crazy enough to still care about me.

When I went IP this year I desperately wanted to do as i was told. I wanted to either die or recover. I wasnt really bothered which to be honest,i just knew i couldnt live that way much longer. I wanted to eat. But i simply couldnt allow myself. I had to give up my control and let the NG feed me again.

I put all of my trust in my team,held my hands up and finally accepted help.

I havent really looked back since that day.

Of course i still have wobbles. I am human. We all slip up now and then. The important thing is to acknowledge it and do something about it asap. Hard as that sometimes may be. Its ok to need some help and support,the brave thing to do is speak up and ask for it. It would be so much easier to crawl back into the bubble and let the ED eat away at you.

I really struggle with body image like most women however ive found since startng my fashion blog and having photos taken for my outfit of the day posts has actually really helped. When i look at the pictures im quite surprised by what i see as it does not match up to what i see when i look in the mirror or what my mind still tells me every day. I find it hard to know which is real,whats in those photos or whats in the mirror...

Im very sorry for rambling on and on but my main reason for blogging tonight is to show that recovery from any eating disorder no matter how chronic/severe,no matter how young or old you are,there is ALWAYS hope. Always.

It sounds cheesey but i feel like im finally seeing how amazing life can be for the first time and i never want to lose that. I refuse to return to that very dangerous and scary existance.

Thank you if you read this.

Love Aoifs xxx

Join the fight x

What a difference x

5stone3pounds- a smile that hides the misery.

                                                         6stone8pounds- a real smile

Its only now looking back at photos i can see how ill i was and how much healthier i am now. That first picture isnt ME it is pure anorexia and it scares me. I saw my therapist A today and cried...cried because i am scared of relapse. I can say from my heart i never want to fall into the grips of anorexia again. Sure i have days where i feel fat and huge etc but i am beginning to LIVE and guess what? Its pretty damn good.

I find it hard to accept the weight gain but i guess most girls are the same if their weight goes up from time to time,us girls are never happy are we? LOL.

Life is far too short to let an ed rule your life. Please anyone who is reading this and needs help,go for it. It is so worth the fight. During recovery its not just weight u gain,its your health,friends,partners,jobs,college, pretty much your whole life.And it is so much more exciting than counting calories ;o)

'Ive had a taste of paradise,thats all i really need to make me stay...i wont look back.'

xxx

HOTTT new docter&a shopping trip!

Omfg docter whats his name ( i was too busy eyeing him up to remember) who was filling in for my usual Dr M was absolutely YUMILICIOUS! I found it quite hard to control my girlie giggles and outrageous flirting (shameful i know) to even answer his questions and then damn it i saw IT. THE WEDDING RING :o(

And that was the end of that love affair.

Saw my dietician Y,have dropped a couple of klios but determined to regain asap. Y was very helpful in reminding me what an awful dangerous place i was in at the start of the year and do i really really want to go back to that?

No.

I was near Dundrum shopping centre,it would have been rude not to pop in. I seemed to have gone a little over budget but almost everything i got was on sale so its ok REALLY....

I picked up these beauties in the AWEAR sale reduced down to 25euro...i am in love with them-

I popped into the Laundry Room and got a little white dress perfect for summer and reduced to just 15euro. While i was there i spotted this cute little black and white jumper also in the sale reduced to 20euro.

I got this cute little top in Penneys for 13euro and thought it would go great with some black jeans and my electric blue flats i posted previously.

And finally i had a pair of jeans i wanted to exchange in Bershka so i swapped them for a pair of hot pink skinnies!!!

Ok NO MORE SHOPPING until wednesday...promise....kind of.

xxx

Struggling x

Today is bad.

Havent felt this down in quite a while.

Giving in to the ed seems the only solution.

I was supposed to join my friends for dinner and drinks this evening and i had to let them down and cancel,i just couldnt cope with the food today. I feel so guilty cancelling. Im a b*tch. A bloody FAT b*tch!!!

I cant deal with being this weight...i cant....i just cant.

Im sorry xxx

Success x

Today i hit my next target of a BMI of 16.

This has left me torn in two.

I feel a sense of acomplishment,i feel like ive achieved something,and ive done it OUTSIDE of hospital and without a tube up my nose!!!

On the other hand,my heart sank a little bit. Its so hard to let go. Move on. Throw out those bloody skinny jeans.

I FEEL huge.

But i refuse to let it stop me living and having fun. After all do my friends and family really care that if ive gainned weight,will they stop talking to me just cause ive got some junk in my trunk? ;o) I really hope not lol.

Here are my outfits from the past couple of days-

Thats all for now lovelies xxx

Ups & downs of Recovery x

So yesterday i got myself in a right state over the jeans situation. But after talking it through and calming down,i woke up this morning and reminded myself its a new day and i can choose to be healthy in my decisions and so i had breakfast even though i felt like crying with each bite.

Its so weird how some days i can eat almost anything i fancy and not freak out over it and then other days i struggle to eat a fat free yogurt.

I went on a date today,my first proper date in a longgg time and omg it was so brilliant. I had such a lovely time and D is absolutely lovely (and a GREAT kisser) lol so were going on another date next week which im looking forward to already.

This was another step in recovering in my opinion,letting new people into my life,as before the anorexia was so strong there was no room for anyone or anything else in my life. Finally things seem to be coming together,starting college,dating,moving out in a few months...i guess im trying to build a life outside of anorexia.

I never thought i could feel happy....normal....but im finally feeling those things and it sounds so simple but for me its amazing.

Life is damn good. Even if i have a fat ass now LOL ;o)

FAT x

Ugh.

I feel disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And destructive. I need to do something to make me feel better but anything i can think of doing is not a healthy way of coping.

Dinner is sitting in my already bloated tum and i want it out. I want to be empty.

:-(

Sorry my self absorbed moaning,normal business shall resume tomorrow x

Appointment&Girls day out x

I had an appointment with A today. It went pretty well i think...we talked about relapse prevention and what i can do to make sure it doesnt happen-

-Know my triggers
-Tell one of my team
-Write/blog
-Be as honest as possible
-Remember how hard it was to get this far

We also talked about starting college and how i would manage food wise! Theres a canteen where most people seem to go. The idea of this is a little scary seen as i dont know the people and i dont know the menu. I could of course bring in a packed lunch but i dont want to stand out,i want to be as normal as possible and not draw attention to myself. Hopefully ill be making new friends (have alrready got quite friendly with a guy D....yes we are going on a day date on saturday eeeeeeeeeeek so nervous already!) and i want to be able to join them in the canteen for lunch rather than retreating to a classroom on my own to eat lunch! Im not really sure what the best thing i could do is....anyone been in a similar situation or have any suggestions,would be hugely appriciated!

After my appointment i had a fab girlie day out in town with one of my favouritest people N. We had a lovely long lunch in Avoca (Their brown bread is to die for) followed by some shopping! I got a fab dress in H&M for 30euro-

The grey belt was only 2euro from penneys! I also got some cute grey little shoe booties at 15euro from penneys-

I REALLY have to curb my shopping addiction....ive decided no more shopping until wednesday. I have just enough in my purse left to live on for the weekend lol! Oh to win the lotto......

xxx

Courage x