Thoughts x

What made me swallow those 82 tablets three weeks ago?

How do i answer that question without sounding mad?

The question in itself suggests i may be mad...

I remember taking them and feeling calm.

Scared but calm.

I wanted to just sleep.

Sleep and not wake up.

I thought it would be enough.

I thought i would die.

I had hoped i would die.

Sometimes i wish it had of been enough.

Sometimes im glad it wasnt.

Im embarrassed and ashamed by my actions.

Please understand i thought i was doing the right thing for everybody involved.

I realise that may sound crazy now but i thought it at the time.

Friends have fallen away,family barely keep in touch,i honestly didnt think anyone but dad would truely care if i died. And for those i thought might care i thought it would be a relief for them. Theyve seen me in and out of hospital year after year never truely recovering.

I am a burden and i simply worry those who do still care.

I am selfish.

But most of all im sorry.

Ive had some amazing support from some people and thats why,

I will try harder.

Love Aoifs xXx

Home sweet home x

Discharged.

Medically stable.

Emotionally? 

Maybe not so much!!!

But better.

Definitely better.

I think the right dose of meds are finally kicking in and not a moment too soon.

So im home.

Im alive.

What now?

For the moment im going to the hospital twice a week.

Im trying to get out with friends for coffee.

I quit my job the day i overdosed.

I missed the start of my course as i was in hospital.

I have no idea what to do with life.

Getting on a bus and going into town is almost a challenge in itself.

I realise that must sound pathetic to most.

But hopefully some will understand.

Food is a whole other issue.

The anorexia is strong as hell right now.

And im just letting it happen.

I tried the day i got home from hospital to challenge it but the guilt eats me up. Pardon the pun.

I AM eating. Just not so much. And compensating when i am.

I want so much to eat well. Im hungry. Starving. And thats hard to admitt.

But im not allowed to eat what my body needs.

Im simply not allowed.

I'll leave on a more positive note-

"Nothing in the world is impossible the word itself says Im Possible."Audrey Hepburn.

Love Aoifs xXx

The aftermath of an overdose x

You dont think of the pain youre going to cause other people.

You think of ending your pain.

Did i really truely want to die?

Yes.

At the time.

That afternoon.

Depression had been crippling me since my return from Lanzarote.

My weight gain was intolerable.

A combination of things beyond my control felt too much.

I felt my loss would be no great loss.

I felt it would be a freedom.

For everybody.

Ive struggled for 12 years with anorexia,everyone was sick of me.

I was sick of me.

I was sick of anorexia yet couldnt free myself of it.

And am still fighting to.

Since being admitted to hospital 2 weeks ago my weight has dropped signifigantly.

This pleases my anorexia.

It says lower.

My bp is low.

My blood sugars low.

My potassium is low.

My sodium is low.

None of this worries me. It pleases me.

However my mood has picked up somewhat and i do regret my actions.

Im sorry if i worried people. 

I dont really understand their worry.

But I have a choice now.

Stand up once again and fight.

Or let it swallow me up.

'Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself. The way you wish you had been all along.'

Love Aoifs xXx

Ps-Please do not think i write these posts to attract attention or anything of the sort,i write because it helps me and i share because it helps others xXx

Further along the road...

Since i last wrote there has been some changes. Some good. Some not so.

Anorexia has taken a back seat in some respects. Im eating well most of the time. I have energy. Im not tired all the time. I have started working as a fashion intern in a clothes store and love it. Tomorrow i finally start the image and styling course i was supposed to do two years ago. I went on holiday with two friends and had so much fun. I ate and drank and was 'normal'. It felt nice to be normal for that week.

I came home and struggled with the inevitable weight gain but have managed to maintain it. However it seems whenever anorexia leaves me be,depression hits me hard. It can be crippling. I didnt leave the house for three days this week and when i tried i only got as far as the bus stop. I am sure people are looking at me and thinking how fat i have become. That i dont deserve to eat. That i dont deserve to be healthy.

I am still underweight yet these new curves terrify me.

Bum.

Boobs.

Hips.

CURVES.

Why are they so scary?

My new womanly shape depresses me greatly.

I am scared of what comes with it...

The only answer i feel is to lose weight again.

It feels like a choice between anorexia or depression?

Surely there is a healthy in between?

I hope i find it.

I hope we all find it.

Love Aoifs xXx

A small glimpse into anorexia x

I am learning recently,i cannot be alone at home without ed behaviours taking over.

Alone i am a disaster.

I am 26 and simply cant take care of myself on my own.

Its beyond ridiculous.

I can be 'normal' when im with friends/family. I cope. I think i put on a good show.

Now that i have gainned a good bit of weight i appear 'normal'.

However my thoughts are still extremely eating disordered.

I weigh myself 6 times a day.

When i go on holidays my scales comes with me.

If the number is higher than acceptable,i must compensate.

I know its an unhealthy obsession.

However when i dont know my exact weight,my anxiety is sky high.

I will restrict or starve. I will purge. I will exercise. I will take boxes of laxatives.

I am not proud of these things. Anorexia isnt something to be proud of. Its not a phase or a way to get attention. It has the highest death rate out of all mental illnesses.

I hate it more than anything but Im not going to hide and be ashamed anymore.

I want people to know the truth. The reality.

 And i guess thats why i started this blog in the first place xXx

Falling back and pushing forward x

I fear i may actually be losing the plot. 

My mood is all over the place...either very low or flying high.

One day i feel strong and determined and want to continue with recovery,the next day i dont want any food to pass my lips and losing all the weight ive gainned is my only goal in life. And that is pathetic.

Since my team wanted to admitt me a few weeks ago,i have turned things around and stopped losing weight. Infact i have gainned two pounds back. 

Ive been out for meals with friends,had cocktails,gone dancing,doing everything i can to fight back and get out there and live life.

But anorexia still consumes my every thought.

Its still the most important thing in my life,which i hate but i know only i can change.

I was looking at old pictures of when i was a healthy weight and a terrible sadness came over me. I look happy and healthy. I WAS happy and healthy. 

What happened? 

How did i allow myself to get to a point where late last year I couldnt walk from my room to the bathroom,i was in a wheelchair,being tube fed and on complete bedrest for 8 weeks. I didnt admitt it at the time but i was scared. I felt like something had completely taken me over and i had no power left.

I have to go back and remember these things so i can push forward and be reminded i cant go back to that place.

So i am in limbo. I am no longer at a dangerous weight nor am i healthy but somewhere in the middle. Right now i feel i could go either way.

I can understand how someone without an ed would see this as an easy choice...but letting go and moving on seems so impossible at times.

I cant fight it for myself at the moment but i will for my dad,my mum,my granbeag and the amazing friends who are still here beside me. I am lucky really. 

Very lucky.

xXx

Striving to be 'normal' x

I have the urge to write here tonight.

I am in constant conflict to write here or not. I think it was good to take a little break from it at least. Writing definitely helps. My psych says i have a talent for it...HA.

I feel tearful and low at the moment. I had a lovely day. I went for lunch with two of my bestest friends and my godson. It was nice. I managed lunch fine. I enjoyed it. Of course the guilt came after. But thats ok. Im used to that feeling. The important thing is not acting on it.

Since my last post i have gone through a restrictive phase and my weight has gone down but not drastically so. The problem is once u start restricting its hard to stop.

After months of doing well i had almost forgot the feeling of an empty tummy,the dizzy spells,the complete lack of energy. It all came back and fast.

I have become expert at eating normal around friends and family. I sit there happily munching away joinning in conversation and just taking part. Can they see through me? The panic? The terror? Can they see im wondering how much ill have to restrict to compensate for that meal? How much ill have to exercise in the middle of the night while dads asleep in the next room? How many boxes of laxatives ill have to go through trying to find a chemist that doesnt remember me from before,desperately searching like a drug addict needing their fix.

I enjoy food. But i dont deserve it. I dont need it. I have reserves.

Last week my team wanted me admitted. This week we decided on a different plan. Meds increased to max dose. Psych appointment every week. Psychotherapist appointment every week. Stick to my meal plan. This was decided on wednesday and i have done my part since then.

I look at friends who have recovered and i wonder why i havent got there yet. Ive got close a few times now but i always run back. Always.

It was easier when i looked sick. People knew there was something wrong. Now i am fat and i smile and i eat in company and laugh while doing so...i appear dare i say it 'normal'.

What im most afraid of is being alone,many friends have slipped away from me and i worry they all will.

I will eat and drink and go to my appointments.

And i will smile....

xXx

A goodbye of sorts x

Hey guys,

I just wanted to write here and let any readers know im taking a break from this blog. Although its a good place to vent and get positive support i feel its holding me back from moving on in some way.

The past few weeks have been the hardest since i got discharged at the end of january. Not so much weight wise although i have slowly been losing some again but more mood wise.

I have always found that when i am eating and gainning weight my mood plummets drastically and i isolate. When i am restricting/starving and losing weight i am high as a kite. Although physically weak. Its trying to pick the lesser of two evils.

At the moment i am in a restrictive phase and so feeling a little better in myself BUT i do not want to slip back into this-

I must never let it happen again.

So today i had a starbucks mocha light frapp and a piece of 'rocky road' which set me up for the day. I wanted to do it and it felt good but by the time dinner time came around i was racked with guilt and couldnt manage anything. It seems to be a constant struggle at the moment. But like i said im not prepared to end up in a dangerous place again so i will try and try until i win.

Wish me luck.

Love Aoifs xxx



Letting it out x

Hellooo!

I try to keep this blog as upbeat and positive as possible lately but i think it would almost defeat its purpose if i pretended everything was wonderful all of the time. So with that in mind this is an honest post more than anything.

Since my last hospital admission some people have said i am an 'inspiration' which is lovely but im really not. Im human and am just another woman fighting for recovery. I make mistakes. I slip up. I have bad days. We all do,dont we? I think its how we deal with them that matters.

Ive been trying to ignore this the past month or so but im really struggling to accept my new healthier body. Even at my smallest I never felt thin,i never saw thin BUT the number on the scale made me feel safe that the FACT was i was seriously underweight no matter what the image was staring back at me. It was comforting.

I keep thinking...just go back. Just one more time. Get to a lower number. Push your body that extra bit further than before. You have to get worse before you get properly better and let go completely...

Im angry at myself for feeling this way.

I feel my friends must be embarrassed by how big i have become recently. Surely no one would want to be seen with me now. I know none of my friends would actually say that to me but I imagine that must be how they feel.

I'll stop there.

Love Aoifs xxx



Staying stable x

Hey guys!

So im home from my holiday with pops! And it was FAB! Not alot of 26 year olds would probably go away with their dad but we got on so well and had a really good time. He really spoilt me and we just generally enjoyed the two weeks. It was nice that for the first time in a long time he said he wasnt worried about me and knew i was trying hard to continue recovering.

I had icecream every single day. And i didnt feel guilty. I enjoyed it. Obviously it wouldnt be very healthy to keep up that habit but as it was a holiday i allowed myself to indulge a little more than usual.

Im back at the hospital on friday after my month of freedom and my weight is the exact same as it was 4 weeks ago! I had every oppurtunity to lose weight as i wasnt being monitered but i didnt,i ate enough to maintain and coped. Success.

My short term lease is up on my apartment and ive decided to move back home. For one,its simply too expensive. I have four weddings this year and hen weekends and a trip to New York to fund and if i want to actually have a life i definitely cant stay in the apartment. Also i have found it quite lonely and have too much time to think on my own which is never good. I really do miss Daddy Ryan! Im glad i at least gave living alone a try as otherwise i would still be wondering what it would be like. Finally although i have coped well with eating in the apartment,it is much more stable and easier to manage when im at home and that was a major deciding factor.

Im having sleepless nights trying to decide what to do with life come september. I orginally thought about Montessori teaching but have since thrown that idea out the window. Im struggling between doing a counselling course or going into fashion styling&personal shopping. I think i have been too focused on what other people will think about my choices and i have to remember this is my life and to go with my heart...afterall everybody will have a different opinion and you cant please everyone all the time.

Gosh i could write alot more but i wont put u through that ;o) Well done if u got this far! I will write again soon.

Love Aoifs xxx