Falling back and pushing forward x

I fear i may actually be losing the plot. 

My mood is all over the place...either very low or flying high.

One day i feel strong and determined and want to continue with recovery,the next day i dont want any food to pass my lips and losing all the weight ive gainned is my only goal in life. And that is pathetic.

Since my team wanted to admitt me a few weeks ago,i have turned things around and stopped losing weight. Infact i have gainned two pounds back. 

Ive been out for meals with friends,had cocktails,gone dancing,doing everything i can to fight back and get out there and live life.

But anorexia still consumes my every thought.

Its still the most important thing in my life,which i hate but i know only i can change.

I was looking at old pictures of when i was a healthy weight and a terrible sadness came over me. I look happy and healthy. I WAS happy and healthy. 

What happened? 

How did i allow myself to get to a point where late last year I couldnt walk from my room to the bathroom,i was in a wheelchair,being tube fed and on complete bedrest for 8 weeks. I didnt admitt it at the time but i was scared. I felt like something had completely taken me over and i had no power left.

I have to go back and remember these things so i can push forward and be reminded i cant go back to that place.

So i am in limbo. I am no longer at a dangerous weight nor am i healthy but somewhere in the middle. Right now i feel i could go either way.

I can understand how someone without an ed would see this as an easy choice...but letting go and moving on seems so impossible at times.

I cant fight it for myself at the moment but i will for my dad,my mum,my granbeag and the amazing friends who are still here beside me. I am lucky really. 

Very lucky.

xXx

Striving to be 'normal' x

I have the urge to write here tonight.

I am in constant conflict to write here or not. I think it was good to take a little break from it at least. Writing definitely helps. My psych says i have a talent for it...HA.

I feel tearful and low at the moment. I had a lovely day. I went for lunch with two of my bestest friends and my godson. It was nice. I managed lunch fine. I enjoyed it. Of course the guilt came after. But thats ok. Im used to that feeling. The important thing is not acting on it.

Since my last post i have gone through a restrictive phase and my weight has gone down but not drastically so. The problem is once u start restricting its hard to stop.

After months of doing well i had almost forgot the feeling of an empty tummy,the dizzy spells,the complete lack of energy. It all came back and fast.

I have become expert at eating normal around friends and family. I sit there happily munching away joinning in conversation and just taking part. Can they see through me? The panic? The terror? Can they see im wondering how much ill have to restrict to compensate for that meal? How much ill have to exercise in the middle of the night while dads asleep in the next room? How many boxes of laxatives ill have to go through trying to find a chemist that doesnt remember me from before,desperately searching like a drug addict needing their fix.

I enjoy food. But i dont deserve it. I dont need it. I have reserves.

Last week my team wanted me admitted. This week we decided on a different plan. Meds increased to max dose. Psych appointment every week. Psychotherapist appointment every week. Stick to my meal plan. This was decided on wednesday and i have done my part since then.

I look at friends who have recovered and i wonder why i havent got there yet. Ive got close a few times now but i always run back. Always.

It was easier when i looked sick. People knew there was something wrong. Now i am fat and i smile and i eat in company and laugh while doing so...i appear dare i say it 'normal'.

What im most afraid of is being alone,many friends have slipped away from me and i worry they all will.

I will eat and drink and go to my appointments.

And i will smile....

xXx

A goodbye of sorts x

Hey guys,

I just wanted to write here and let any readers know im taking a break from this blog. Although its a good place to vent and get positive support i feel its holding me back from moving on in some way.

The past few weeks have been the hardest since i got discharged at the end of january. Not so much weight wise although i have slowly been losing some again but more mood wise.

I have always found that when i am eating and gainning weight my mood plummets drastically and i isolate. When i am restricting/starving and losing weight i am high as a kite. Although physically weak. Its trying to pick the lesser of two evils.

At the moment i am in a restrictive phase and so feeling a little better in myself BUT i do not want to slip back into this-

I must never let it happen again.

So today i had a starbucks mocha light frapp and a piece of 'rocky road' which set me up for the day. I wanted to do it and it felt good but by the time dinner time came around i was racked with guilt and couldnt manage anything. It seems to be a constant struggle at the moment. But like i said im not prepared to end up in a dangerous place again so i will try and try until i win.

Wish me luck.

Love Aoifs xxx



Letting it out x

Hellooo!

I try to keep this blog as upbeat and positive as possible lately but i think it would almost defeat its purpose if i pretended everything was wonderful all of the time. So with that in mind this is an honest post more than anything.

Since my last hospital admission some people have said i am an 'inspiration' which is lovely but im really not. Im human and am just another woman fighting for recovery. I make mistakes. I slip up. I have bad days. We all do,dont we? I think its how we deal with them that matters.

Ive been trying to ignore this the past month or so but im really struggling to accept my new healthier body. Even at my smallest I never felt thin,i never saw thin BUT the number on the scale made me feel safe that the FACT was i was seriously underweight no matter what the image was staring back at me. It was comforting.

I keep thinking...just go back. Just one more time. Get to a lower number. Push your body that extra bit further than before. You have to get worse before you get properly better and let go completely...

Im angry at myself for feeling this way.

I feel my friends must be embarrassed by how big i have become recently. Surely no one would want to be seen with me now. I know none of my friends would actually say that to me but I imagine that must be how they feel.

I'll stop there.

Love Aoifs xxx



Staying stable x

Hey guys!

So im home from my holiday with pops! And it was FAB! Not alot of 26 year olds would probably go away with their dad but we got on so well and had a really good time. He really spoilt me and we just generally enjoyed the two weeks. It was nice that for the first time in a long time he said he wasnt worried about me and knew i was trying hard to continue recovering.

I had icecream every single day. And i didnt feel guilty. I enjoyed it. Obviously it wouldnt be very healthy to keep up that habit but as it was a holiday i allowed myself to indulge a little more than usual.

Im back at the hospital on friday after my month of freedom and my weight is the exact same as it was 4 weeks ago! I had every oppurtunity to lose weight as i wasnt being monitered but i didnt,i ate enough to maintain and coped. Success.

My short term lease is up on my apartment and ive decided to move back home. For one,its simply too expensive. I have four weddings this year and hen weekends and a trip to New York to fund and if i want to actually have a life i definitely cant stay in the apartment. Also i have found it quite lonely and have too much time to think on my own which is never good. I really do miss Daddy Ryan! Im glad i at least gave living alone a try as otherwise i would still be wondering what it would be like. Finally although i have coped well with eating in the apartment,it is much more stable and easier to manage when im at home and that was a major deciding factor.

Im having sleepless nights trying to decide what to do with life come september. I orginally thought about Montessori teaching but have since thrown that idea out the window. Im struggling between doing a counselling course or going into fashion styling&personal shopping. I think i have been too focused on what other people will think about my choices and i have to remember this is my life and to go with my heart...afterall everybody will have a different opinion and you cant please everyone all the time.

Gosh i could write alot more but i wont put u through that ;o) Well done if u got this far! I will write again soon.

Love Aoifs xxx

A month of freedom :o)

Hello!

Just thought i would do a little update even if its only me reading it lol ;o)

I saw my psych yesterday and i think it may have been the best appointment ive had in years!!! Seriously lol! I didnt even have to have bloods done! I got weighed as usual and it was up a considerable amount but i knew that already so it wasnt a huge shock to me. Dr. M was delighted,she said i was doing fantasticly well and that was beyond proud of me. And not just because i have been gainning weight. She said i looked and sounded so much happier and that she could see my attitude to recovery had totally changed.

Usually all of this would freak me out,but instead it felt great.

I had a big clearout of the clothes that are too small for me now...which was hard but needed to be done. No going back now.

I never thought it possible to feel this way,to be at this weight and cope with it. Im not exactly happy with it but coping with it is good enough for now. Dr. M reminded me im still underweight but i dont think its noticeable at all anymore,which is a good thing as i dont want to be seen as an eating disorder or someone who isnt healthy,i just want to be as normal as possible.

This day next week im off to the sunshine for two weeks and then not back at the hospital until the 27th april so have lots of time to prove i can handle things on my own and without my weekly appointments.

If anyone with an eating disorder is reading this please never give up hope in recovery because no matter how long u have been ill or what age you are it is never too late to recover. I didnt think it was possible but im proving myself wrong every single day.

xxx

Right and wrong x

Bam...

Reality hits.

I am freaking huge.

Every part of me is getting bigger by the day.

Ugh.

I just want to hide from the world until i lose all this fat.

But i wont.

Cant give up now.

Just wish it was a wee bit easier.

Im doing what is right,what is healthy...why does it feel so wrong sometimes?

xxx



Up up and away x

Hey all!

I wanted to write because i cant quite believe the change in myself over the last few months and i want to have it here incase i need a reminder that i actually felt this way as i know recovery is never a stright road.

I have really kind of 'let go' of my rigid ed behaviours and just...relaxed. It feels odd but in a good way. Obviously as i have made this change to my diet,my weight has of course gone up. But i am feeling ok with it as i know i am still underweight and need to keep gaining until i am healthy again. This is the closest i have come in years and although that is pretty great its also rather scary!

Who am i without my ed?

What will occupy my thoughts when its gone?

Can i live without it?

I dont know.

I want to be 'normal' so badly at this stage but Im not sure i can cope with gainning much more weight. To be honest i feel huge at this weight but i am not and will not let those feelings affect my recovery. If i listen to that voice in my head i know i will stop eating again and go back to square one and for what? I want a life that doesnt revolve around hospital addmissions or even hospital appointments every week. I want to be free of all that and leave that life behind. I guess i am well and truely on my way though :o)

Next month im off to the sunshine for two weeks with daddy R,and i am going to make sure and not take anorexia with us :o)

Love Aoifs xxx 

Moving on x

Hey guys!

I keep meaning to write but cant seem to find the words...so please excuse if this is rather rambley (is that even a word?!).

I think i have really taken some huge steps in how im thinking lately. Maybe as my weight is going up im becoming more logical or something i dont know? Is that how it works? Being thin used to be all i cared about and now it seems so...unimportant...its taken a back seat...

When i stop and think about my anorexia it makes me so angry at myself. When i look back at my blogs and see me repeating the same cycle and saying the same things over and over again,falling into the same traps,im sad. Some people might say dont look back etc. But i think sometimes we have to stop and look back in order to move forward.

I want to be as free as i can be. Im scared to leave this huge part of my life completely behind but i have to. I refuse to accept anorexia is with me forever. I dont want to be remembered as a disease. I want to be a good friend,daughter,mother,wife not just an anorexic. I want a full and healthy life and i wont stop until i get it,however long it takes.

"The man says, "I will climb this mountain.They told me it is too high, too far, too steep, too rocky and too difficult.But it's my mountain.I will climb it.You will soon see me waving from the top or dead on the side from trying." 

Love Aoifs xxx
 

New meds&Art therapy x

Hey guys,

I havent wrote in awhile...well its not been that long but it feels that long....if you know what i mean...hmmm.

Anyway i wasnt really writing cause things had been quite up and down but i finially feel like things are leveling out which is probably down to the new anti depressant i started about a month ago. Think it has finally kicked in and not a  moment too soon. Instead of being so uptight about my increasing weight im learning to accept it,it is going up ever so slowly each week or else staying the same. At first i was mad at myself for letting this happen. Letting my body have the fuel it needs. Not losing weight. It felt/feels wrong to be 'nice' to it and just eat what i need for it to function.

Of course those fat feelings havent disappeared but im learning once again to try and irgnore them and just get on with life with the support of Vincints. Tomorrow i am meeting the new art therapist to see if i am suitable for a place. I have done art therapy before and to be honest i found it useless. So i am a bit judgemental but said i would at least meet C (the art therapist) and see what she thought about it. Its a special course just for people with eating disorders which is another reason why i am not keen on going. My anorexia is fiercly competitiive and i fear it will trigger me if the other patients are really thin,especially with me being near my heaviest.

Has anyone out there any thoughts on Art therapy?

Im still having weigh in and bloods every friday but am hoping soon to reduce that to every two weeks. Im still waiting on psycotherapy to start. Who knows when that will be lol.

Anyway now that i am a fully fledged grown up and am living alone i best go sort out something for tea!!!

Love Aoifs xxx