Up up and away x

Hey all!

I wanted to write because i cant quite believe the change in myself over the last few months and i want to have it here incase i need a reminder that i actually felt this way as i know recovery is never a stright road.

I have really kind of 'let go' of my rigid ed behaviours and just...relaxed. It feels odd but in a good way. Obviously as i have made this change to my diet,my weight has of course gone up. But i am feeling ok with it as i know i am still underweight and need to keep gaining until i am healthy again. This is the closest i have come in years and although that is pretty great its also rather scary!

Who am i without my ed?

What will occupy my thoughts when its gone?

Can i live without it?

I dont know.

I want to be 'normal' so badly at this stage but Im not sure i can cope with gainning much more weight. To be honest i feel huge at this weight but i am not and will not let those feelings affect my recovery. If i listen to that voice in my head i know i will stop eating again and go back to square one and for what? I want a life that doesnt revolve around hospital addmissions or even hospital appointments every week. I want to be free of all that and leave that life behind. I guess i am well and truely on my way though :o)

Next month im off to the sunshine for two weeks with daddy R,and i am going to make sure and not take anorexia with us :o)

Love Aoifs xxx 

Moving on x

Hey guys!

I keep meaning to write but cant seem to find the words...so please excuse if this is rather rambley (is that even a word?!).

I think i have really taken some huge steps in how im thinking lately. Maybe as my weight is going up im becoming more logical or something i dont know? Is that how it works? Being thin used to be all i cared about and now it seems so...unimportant...its taken a back seat...

When i stop and think about my anorexia it makes me so angry at myself. When i look back at my blogs and see me repeating the same cycle and saying the same things over and over again,falling into the same traps,im sad. Some people might say dont look back etc. But i think sometimes we have to stop and look back in order to move forward.

I want to be as free as i can be. Im scared to leave this huge part of my life completely behind but i have to. I refuse to accept anorexia is with me forever. I dont want to be remembered as a disease. I want to be a good friend,daughter,mother,wife not just an anorexic. I want a full and healthy life and i wont stop until i get it,however long it takes.

"The man says, "I will climb this mountain.They told me it is too high, too far, too steep, too rocky and too difficult.But it's my mountain.I will climb it.You will soon see me waving from the top or dead on the side from trying." 

Love Aoifs xxx
 

New meds&Art therapy x

Hey guys,

I havent wrote in awhile...well its not been that long but it feels that long....if you know what i mean...hmmm.

Anyway i wasnt really writing cause things had been quite up and down but i finially feel like things are leveling out which is probably down to the new anti depressant i started about a month ago. Think it has finally kicked in and not a  moment too soon. Instead of being so uptight about my increasing weight im learning to accept it,it is going up ever so slowly each week or else staying the same. At first i was mad at myself for letting this happen. Letting my body have the fuel it needs. Not losing weight. It felt/feels wrong to be 'nice' to it and just eat what i need for it to function.

Of course those fat feelings havent disappeared but im learning once again to try and irgnore them and just get on with life with the support of Vincints. Tomorrow i am meeting the new art therapist to see if i am suitable for a place. I have done art therapy before and to be honest i found it useless. So i am a bit judgemental but said i would at least meet C (the art therapist) and see what she thought about it. Its a special course just for people with eating disorders which is another reason why i am not keen on going. My anorexia is fiercly competitiive and i fear it will trigger me if the other patients are really thin,especially with me being near my heaviest.

Has anyone out there any thoughts on Art therapy?

Im still having weigh in and bloods every friday but am hoping soon to reduce that to every two weeks. Im still waiting on psycotherapy to start. Who knows when that will be lol.

Anyway now that i am a fully fledged grown up and am living alone i best go sort out something for tea!!!

Love Aoifs xxx

Weight up,mood down x

Had my usual friday check up at the hospital and my weight was up a bit. Docter delighted. Aoifs not so much. Feel like breaking down the whole time and that is pathetic.

Got my bloods done that morning and the hospital rang me that night as magnesium has dropped yet again. This has been a consistant problem since my last admission even though ive had quite little active ed behaviours. Anyway im taking the supplements and they have just been uped!

My meal plan is out the window. One day ill have 2000 cals and the next 200 cals. I know i need to eat consistantly and have my meals and snacks but its all or nothing at the moment and i prefer nothing to be honest. Especially seeing my weight go up.

I feel disgusting at this weight. They want me to gain more. Eugh.

When i restrict or starve or purge i feel so much better in my head. Even if its bad for my body.

Giving up for today xxx

Recovery is possible x

Pancake please x

Hey guys.

So its pancake tuesday here and you cant excape it. And well for once i wasnt trying to escape it. Infact i looked forward to it and enjoyed it. Eh i think thats a big F*ck you to anorexia!!! I hope whoever u are and where ever u are u enjoyed ur pancakes :o) #not so scary after all.

I was just thinking ive only been living in my new apartment since friday and it feels like forever already. In a good way. Although of course i miss Daddy Ryan it was about time i took a leap of faith and gave myself the chance to see if i can stay as well as possible living alone and fending for myself. The way i see it is,i have to learn to take care of myself at some stage,i might as well go for it. Now or never. I cant live in a hospital or clinic or with my dad forever. Its time to grow up and move on. If only it was as simple as that though lol.

I have plently of safe food in and some quite scary food. Well actually i did have. I gathered up any food i felt i couldnt handle and gave them to dad to take home. I just dont want to look at them or have them near me. If i want something different or more challenging ill pop to tesco and buy it then. No big deal. Like today,i wanted a pancake so i had one. No drama.

Winning the war...

Love Aoifs xxx



ED Awareness Week x

Hi guys,

Well its that time of year again...(most of you probably wouldnt know what im talking about as it doesnt get as much coverage as it needs) but yes tomorrow marks the beginning of eating disorder awareness week.

The numbers of people,children,women and men suffering from some form of eating disorder are rising rapidly which is pretty scary,especially seen as vast amount of people suffer in silence and go untreated so we have no idea of the actual number of cases there truely is.

Whats also scary is we only have THREE public beds for eating disorders in the whole country. Absolutely unbelievable. If you are not lucky enough to get one of them theres not much choice but to go private presuming you have health insurance that is. A new clinic opened recently in Dublin and it costs 4500euro per WEEK. Then of course theres the matter of waiting lists....you could be dead by the time a bed becomes available and i dont say that lightly.

I personally have been extremely lucky to have a fantastic team working with me and supporting me every step of the way and i know if it wasnt for them looking out for me i wouldnt be here writing this. I would be another tragic statistic.

Eds are not 'just a phase' or 'a cry for help' or about how good and 'skinny' a person wants to look,they are serious life threaening illnesses which should be taken seriously no matter how trivial they may seem to some people.

If anyone reading this in Ireland needs support i urge you to talk to someone and BODYWHYS the eating disorder organisation is a great place to start. They will listen and not judge and they will simply guide you in getting the help you need and deserve.

http://www.bodywhys.ie/aboutUs/eating-disorders-awareness-week-2012/

Thanks so much for reading.

Love Aoifs xxx



A perfectly 'normal' day x

Hey guys,

Well its saturday night and im snuggled up in bed with only my laptop and hot choclate for comfort. To be honest im glad im not out on the town,am exhausted after a day out with S. I dont know why i should be tired,we just sat on our bums and ate hahaha. Well we took a little wander around the shops,then went to see a movie and got pic and mix (EEK) and then dinner (Double EEK) but thats a normal day right? Ok maybe not pic and mix EVERY day (Damn it) lol. It was good to see S,although her honesty cuts through me like a knife sometimes,i love the girl but man is she blunt sometimes!!!

Anyway great day,came home,wasnt feeling guilty really after my indulgance and then what do i do? Yep you guessed it...the f*cking scales screamed at me to check,just a little peek and i obliged. I have to be the biggest loser going,i know the power the numbers have over me and yet i repeatdly set myself up for failure. If the numbers up (which it was...) i freak but team are happy,if numbers down i calm down,feel more at ease but team are not at all happy. Its just a f*cking number!!!!

But im coping with it,earlier this year it would have thrown me back full force into my anorexia,now i dont like it but im dealing with it and hey thats got to count for something?

Love Aoifs xxx

A bad day x

Hello!

Today has just been shit. Food. Mood. Blah. Pathetic.

Also my cousin D died three years ago today and although i wasnt close to her at all really it reminds me of mum. I feel for D's family. I feel the heartache. I know what its like to miss someone and know it will never go away.

We all lose someone we love at some stage of course....but it never seems to get any easier.

For me personally i use my anorexia to cope with any bad feelings or memories. As soon as mum comes to mind i almost automatically turn to food and weight. Its a good distraction. I dont let her in. I try not to let myself miss her. I dont *usually look at photos of her. I dont share my memories of her. Its beyond awful but its almost like she was never here in ways,like i have blocked her out. I must be the worst daughter in the world.

Again this is another reason in a long list as to why i dont deserve to be well and happy.

Love Aoifs xxx

A giant leap x

Hi guys,

So its finally happening,im really moving out and living on my own! Found this cute and cosy little apartment in good location near bus,dart,shops,its perfect! I just have to add a touch of aoifs fairydust around the place and ill be good to go. Get the keys friday :o)

This will be a HUGE test especially re recovery. On my own with no one to tell me to eat or when to eat or what to eat. I know i could get myself into big trouble if i listened to the anorexia,but this is my chance to prove people wrong. I want to be responsible and cope on my own without relapsing.

Packing is a nightmare. I have soooo many clothes. I mean i knew that already but actually trying to pack it all....its ridiculous!!! Ill be leaving a good bit of stuff in the attic i think! A good/bad thing about moving out is ill have to pay rent (bills included) and for groceries etc so i will have no choice but to curb my shopping addiction.

A giant leap into the big bad world!

Love Aoifs xxx