Not just cake...PINK CAKE.
Oh how i love thee...why must u be so evil yet so yummy.
I am on a mission to gain weight so i am going to have my cake and eat it and enjoy it. And i might make it a regular thing just because....ive missed out on many a cake over the years so logically i should really catch up? ;o)
Live love eat cake.
xxx
Saturday, 21 January 2012
Friday, 20 January 2012
Medication x
So tuesday has come and gone and not a pound in sight. 0.1kg up. Ffs. Here i am eating more than i have in bloody ages and THAT was my increase! I didnt know wether to laugh or cry so i did both.
I have 1.25kg to gain before i get to a BMI of 14....is this possible before next weigh in on tuesday,damn im gonna make it possible. Today i ate CAKE and it was bloody good AND it was PINK and there was little guilt. Could it get any better?
The past few days have been hard,they are changing my medication reducing one anti-depressant and increasing a new one. Now its a waiting game! I dont know about meds,i mean wether i agree with them or not but ive always taken them whenever prescribed since the age of 15. They dont take the sadness away or the desperation but can take the edge off or give u a false high (this is just m,y experience of them) Another med im on makes me quite dopey and slow and i hate that but they say i need to stay on it to be well.
Meds or no meds....that is the question?
Love Aoifs xxx
I have 1.25kg to gain before i get to a BMI of 14....is this possible before next weigh in on tuesday,damn im gonna make it possible. Today i ate CAKE and it was bloody good AND it was PINK and there was little guilt. Could it get any better?
The past few days have been hard,they are changing my medication reducing one anti-depressant and increasing a new one. Now its a waiting game! I dont know about meds,i mean wether i agree with them or not but ive always taken them whenever prescribed since the age of 15. They dont take the sadness away or the desperation but can take the edge off or give u a false high (this is just m,y experience of them) Another med im on makes me quite dopey and slow and i hate that but they say i need to stay on it to be well.
Meds or no meds....that is the question?
Love Aoifs xxx
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Sink or swim...x
Anorexia (or any ed for that matter) is very difficult to explain and understand. It sneaks its way in ever so slowly and before u know it youre stuck like glue. It must be absolutely impossible for outsiders to understand because hell i barely understand it half the time myself.
Why would someone choose to starve to a deathly weight? Or binge and purge until the fridge is empty? Or complusively eat and eat until they physically cannot fit in any more food?
It sounds like madness....maybe it is....but it is also a very real reality for many people.
Im sitting here in my hospital bed with layers of blankets over me freezing cold,alone andwish i could eat without guilt,without any ed behaviours. My body aches from head to toe with cramps and pain. Pain that has reduced me to tears some nights.
I know if i reach my bmi of 14 on tuesday i will be let loose. The power all back in my hands. The control. The high. The comfort of knowing no one can tell me when and what to eat.
This admission has stabilised my mood and stopped my weightloss. Im now on a new anti depressant which i hope will kick in asap and am not so weak i find it hard to walk. I think i can function at this weight. I think i can maintain it. But to be blunt i know i dont deserve to find my way out. I dont deserve their help. I dont deserve to be well.
BUT i will not waste what i have learned on this and previous admissions.
I will rise everytime i fall as they say.
Love Aoifs xxx
Why would someone choose to starve to a deathly weight? Or binge and purge until the fridge is empty? Or complusively eat and eat until they physically cannot fit in any more food?
It sounds like madness....maybe it is....but it is also a very real reality for many people.
Im sitting here in my hospital bed with layers of blankets over me freezing cold,alone andwish i could eat without guilt,without any ed behaviours. My body aches from head to toe with cramps and pain. Pain that has reduced me to tears some nights.
I know if i reach my bmi of 14 on tuesday i will be let loose. The power all back in my hands. The control. The high. The comfort of knowing no one can tell me when and what to eat.
This admission has stabilised my mood and stopped my weightloss. Im now on a new anti depressant which i hope will kick in asap and am not so weak i find it hard to walk. I think i can function at this weight. I think i can maintain it. But to be blunt i know i dont deserve to find my way out. I dont deserve their help. I dont deserve to be well.
BUT i will not waste what i have learned on this and previous admissions.
I will rise everytime i fall as they say.
Love Aoifs xxx
Friday, 13 January 2012
'Down down she goes...'
I didnt quite realize where i was going when i was 14...if only i had known that throwing my lunch away at school would lead to over a decade of heartache,pain and misery. And not just for me.
If i had known the sadness tht would hit me and stay with me.
If i has known the damage i was doing to my body and mind.
If i had known the countless hospital admissions that were to come...
If i had known one day i would need a feeding tube to keep me alive.
If i had known i was striving for something unattainable.
If i could go back to that one single day when i decided i didnt need to eat,didnt deserve to eat,was too fat to eat...that day when i realised i was in control of my body and nothing or no one could stop me,would i be in hospital aged 26 fighting an immense battle all these years later?
I dont know. But what i do know is it was the beginning stages of 'severe chronic anorexia nervosa' that haunts me to this day. I wake up and its there,i close my eyes at night and its there. It follows my every move.It consumes me.
I hate it with a passion yet am terrrified to let it go. What am i without it?
If i had known the sadness tht would hit me and stay with me.
If i has known the damage i was doing to my body and mind.
If i had known the countless hospital admissions that were to come...
If i had known one day i would need a feeding tube to keep me alive.
If i had known i was striving for something unattainable.
If i could go back to that one single day when i decided i didnt need to eat,didnt deserve to eat,was too fat to eat...that day when i realised i was in control of my body and nothing or no one could stop me,would i be in hospital aged 26 fighting an immense battle all these years later?
I dont know. But what i do know is it was the beginning stages of 'severe chronic anorexia nervosa' that haunts me to this day. I wake up and its there,i close my eyes at night and its there. It follows my every move.It consumes me.
I hate it with a passion yet am terrrified to let it go. What am i without it?
Love Aoifs xxx
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Trying to be positive x
So i survived weigh day! Gainned a pound! Felt horrificly fat and then i realised its just one bloody pound,its probably not even noticable,it just FEELS awful.
This week i am actually dying for weigh day as if i meet my target of 5 and a half i am allowed home so i am gobbling up everything lol. But then i get confused,i feeel like im binging but my dietician says i havent even reached 1000 cals yet. Im at 800 now and it feels way too much even though logically i know its not enough its still alot more than i was eating before admission. A girl can live on 3 fat free yogurts a day i thought...boy was i wrong.
Leaving food and weight aside,im super paranoid everyone is sick and tired of me,i dont have many visitors apart from family and one good friend. Im scared i have lost all my friends and when i get out they wont want to know me,i mean they MUST be sick of me at this stage,im sick of me.
Anorexia is a very lonely secretive illness. Its selfish and destroys everything it touches,i hate it for what it has done to me,my family,my friends but only i have the power to beat it and i will. I dont know when or how but one day i swear ill be free.
This week i am actually dying for weigh day as if i meet my target of 5 and a half i am allowed home so i am gobbling up everything lol. But then i get confused,i feeel like im binging but my dietician says i havent even reached 1000 cals yet. Im at 800 now and it feels way too much even though logically i know its not enough its still alot more than i was eating before admission. A girl can live on 3 fat free yogurts a day i thought...boy was i wrong.
Leaving food and weight aside,im super paranoid everyone is sick and tired of me,i dont have many visitors apart from family and one good friend. Im scared i have lost all my friends and when i get out they wont want to know me,i mean they MUST be sick of me at this stage,im sick of me.
Anorexia is a very lonely secretive illness. Its selfish and destroys everything it touches,i hate it for what it has done to me,my family,my friends but only i have the power to beat it and i will. I dont know when or how but one day i swear ill be free.
Love Aoifs xxx
Monday, 9 January 2012
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Admitted x
Well i went to my appointment the day after my last post and they admitted me 'for a few days rest'...over five weeks later im stilll bloody here. Sneaky docters! I wont bore u with the details but basically i sneaked out that night and got as far as Clontarf dart station dosed up on valium when the nurses and docter on call rang they told me the police where at my house waiting for me,hearing this i jumped back on the dart and went back to hospital voluterily yet as soon as i got back they sectioned me.
I actually honestly cant remember alot of it as i hadnt eatin in quite a while and dropped 10 pounds intwo weeks and since ive been here ive lost another 8 pounds. Down went the NG feeding tube as i was physically unstable,bloods were all over the place,low potassium,low magnesium,kidneys and liver struggling and mentally exhausted.
For the first couple of weeks i ate half a fat free yogurt at meal times. Even i can understand thats not enough. But no matter what food they gave me i just could not eat it. Now i am off the NG tube im eating 3 meals a day which are almost always followed by tears. I want to have NOTHING in my tummy,i want to be EMPTY!
Right now im still on bedrest and at 5 st 2lbs which may sound a bit low but i feel it should be lower,like i didnt push my body enough,i should have lost more. When i get to 5 st 7lbs i am allowed to go home and continue my recovery as an outpatient.
Im just scared all my friends are so sick and tired of me,i know this illness hurts more than just me and im sorry for that.
My best friend is having a baby boy on the 27th of January and she has asked me to be godmother. I will HAVE to be well. And i will be.
For now i will fight no matter how scary it may seem xxx
I actually honestly cant remember alot of it as i hadnt eatin in quite a while and dropped 10 pounds intwo weeks and since ive been here ive lost another 8 pounds. Down went the NG feeding tube as i was physically unstable,bloods were all over the place,low potassium,low magnesium,kidneys and liver struggling and mentally exhausted.
For the first couple of weeks i ate half a fat free yogurt at meal times. Even i can understand thats not enough. But no matter what food they gave me i just could not eat it. Now i am off the NG tube im eating 3 meals a day which are almost always followed by tears. I want to have NOTHING in my tummy,i want to be EMPTY!
Right now im still on bedrest and at 5 st 2lbs which may sound a bit low but i feel it should be lower,like i didnt push my body enough,i should have lost more. When i get to 5 st 7lbs i am allowed to go home and continue my recovery as an outpatient.
Im just scared all my friends are so sick and tired of me,i know this illness hurts more than just me and im sorry for that.
My best friend is having a baby boy on the 27th of January and she has asked me to be godmother. I will HAVE to be well. And i will be.
For now i will fight no matter how scary it may seem xxx
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Review tomorrow x
Friday is nearly upon us which means review day at the hospital.
Scared.
I feel like ive gainned which would make 'them' happy.
Im torn in two.
I think the best thing would be if i maintained. I could deal with that.
Mood isnt much better but trying to be positive. 1st of December and all that jazz...got to make an effort.
Took a double dose of Dalmane last night and got less then 2 hours sleep. Its been like this for weeks now. Just cant switch off my silly brain. Ive tried everything i can think of and still wide awake all night and exhausted during the day. Sleep fairies seem to have forgot about me.
I wonder so often lately is recovery really truely possible?
xxx
Scared.
I feel like ive gainned which would make 'them' happy.
Im torn in two.
I think the best thing would be if i maintained. I could deal with that.
Mood isnt much better but trying to be positive. 1st of December and all that jazz...got to make an effort.
Took a double dose of Dalmane last night and got less then 2 hours sleep. Its been like this for weeks now. Just cant switch off my silly brain. Ive tried everything i can think of and still wide awake all night and exhausted during the day. Sleep fairies seem to have forgot about me.
I wonder so often lately is recovery really truely possible?
xxx
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
'Lovely Little Girl' x
Trying to decide what the hell to do with ones life is some task.
And i aint getting any younger at the grand old age of 26 (!)
Since i was at the hospital last friday i have been doing a lot of resting and eating lol. Ive also been researching,looking into different courses,different jobs etc. Since the retail fashion world wasnt for me ive been rethinking and the main things that have come up time and time again not just now but over the years is counselling and psychology or Montessori teaching.
I havent been feeling the best but i had organised a meeting in a local school to help out a few mornings a week in an attempt to pull myself out of this rut. I met with the Principal and i have to say he was the most lovely man...all was going well and then he asks 'Do you eat enough,i cant help notice you are very thin' my anorexia screamed with delight...I wanted to die of embarrassment. I actually could not believe he noticed,it doesnt make sense to me,but my anorexia shouted 'Yesss maybe i am not so fat anymore,got to keep losing.'
He then continued (very nicely) to talk about my health and how i had to focus on getting healthy. He then introduced me to one of the teachers as 'this is the lovely little girl i was telling you about' emmm i was sure i was a 26 year old WOMAN. Anyway the Principal despite all this was very nice and 'just showing his concern' and told me to ring him in January to let him know how i was.
Weirdest interview yet.
Any thoughts on my career choices? Would i be rubbish at both? I have a mountain of information on both subjects so just have to decide by the new year.
Ramble over. Thanks for reading :) xxx
And i aint getting any younger at the grand old age of 26 (!)
Since i was at the hospital last friday i have been doing a lot of resting and eating lol. Ive also been researching,looking into different courses,different jobs etc. Since the retail fashion world wasnt for me ive been rethinking and the main things that have come up time and time again not just now but over the years is counselling and psychology or Montessori teaching.
I havent been feeling the best but i had organised a meeting in a local school to help out a few mornings a week in an attempt to pull myself out of this rut. I met with the Principal and i have to say he was the most lovely man...all was going well and then he asks 'Do you eat enough,i cant help notice you are very thin' my anorexia screamed with delight...I wanted to die of embarrassment. I actually could not believe he noticed,it doesnt make sense to me,but my anorexia shouted 'Yesss maybe i am not so fat anymore,got to keep losing.'
He then continued (very nicely) to talk about my health and how i had to focus on getting healthy. He then introduced me to one of the teachers as 'this is the lovely little girl i was telling you about' emmm i was sure i was a 26 year old WOMAN. Anyway the Principal despite all this was very nice and 'just showing his concern' and told me to ring him in January to let him know how i was.
Weirdest interview yet.
Any thoughts on my career choices? Would i be rubbish at both? I have a mountain of information on both subjects so just have to decide by the new year.
Ramble over. Thanks for reading :) xxx
Monday, 28 November 2011
26th Birthday Blues x
Ive missed writing.
I choose not to write for awhile as to be honest I was too busy embracing recovery,learning to live again and loving life...but at the moment im having a blip and need somewhere to vent so i guess thats what brings me back here.
Things were going so well,so well i could hardly believe it was my life. Anorexia never left me as such but i was able to function again and build a life and i felt...happy. Then a little while ago i was getting stressed over a few things mainly work and a personal issue and i started starving through the day and eating too much in the evening because i was just so hungry. The eating so much in the evenings scared me. Terrified me infact and i longed to gain control again. But i didnt really do anything about it until recently.
I had an amazing weekend away in Edinburgh with my friends and it was good to just be 'normal' and eat 'normal'. The day i got home i weighed myself and discovered i was the heaviest i have been in literally years. That day I gave up work and college and fell straight into relapse mode. In two weeks i was down 12 pounds and high as a kite in one way and desperately depressed in another. That initial buzz u get from losing weight,pushing me past the hunger pains. The number on the scales going lower,my jeans getting loser,the eating disorder part of me loved this. But the real me is scared.
Then on my 26th birthday I had an appointment with my psych and dietician. They wanted to admit me that day for a short term admission. I told them i would do everything i could to get back on track if i could stay at home,so i was allowed home with a meal plan and higher dosage of meds and to be reviewed on Friday.
Todays Monday....i have been eating much better. I dont feel much better. A huge part of me feels ive never taken my anorexia far enough. I havent pushed my body far enough. I havent suffered enough. I havent got my weight low enough. I havent been ill enough. And then i know only 9 months ago i was told i could drop dead at any stage and i was a heart attack waiting to happen. But even then. ITS NOT ENOUGH.
I dont know how i have anyone left in my life. Even this post is so self absorbed and pathetic. I deserve to be alone xxx
I choose not to write for awhile as to be honest I was too busy embracing recovery,learning to live again and loving life...but at the moment im having a blip and need somewhere to vent so i guess thats what brings me back here.
Things were going so well,so well i could hardly believe it was my life. Anorexia never left me as such but i was able to function again and build a life and i felt...happy. Then a little while ago i was getting stressed over a few things mainly work and a personal issue and i started starving through the day and eating too much in the evening because i was just so hungry. The eating so much in the evenings scared me. Terrified me infact and i longed to gain control again. But i didnt really do anything about it until recently.
I had an amazing weekend away in Edinburgh with my friends and it was good to just be 'normal' and eat 'normal'. The day i got home i weighed myself and discovered i was the heaviest i have been in literally years. That day I gave up work and college and fell straight into relapse mode. In two weeks i was down 12 pounds and high as a kite in one way and desperately depressed in another. That initial buzz u get from losing weight,pushing me past the hunger pains. The number on the scales going lower,my jeans getting loser,the eating disorder part of me loved this. But the real me is scared.
Then on my 26th birthday I had an appointment with my psych and dietician. They wanted to admit me that day for a short term admission. I told them i would do everything i could to get back on track if i could stay at home,so i was allowed home with a meal plan and higher dosage of meds and to be reviewed on Friday.
Todays Monday....i have been eating much better. I dont feel much better. A huge part of me feels ive never taken my anorexia far enough. I havent pushed my body far enough. I havent suffered enough. I havent got my weight low enough. I havent been ill enough. And then i know only 9 months ago i was told i could drop dead at any stage and i was a heart attack waiting to happen. But even then. ITS NOT ENOUGH.
I dont know how i have anyone left in my life. Even this post is so self absorbed and pathetic. I deserve to be alone xxx
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