Trying to be positive x

So i survived weigh day! Gainned a pound! Felt horrificly fat and then i realised its just one bloody pound,its probably not even noticable,it just FEELS awful.

This week i am actually dying for weigh day as if i meet my target of 5 and a half i am allowed home so i am gobbling up everything lol. But then i get confused,i feeel like im binging but my dietician says i havent even reached 1000 cals yet. Im at 800 now and it feels way too much even though logically i know its not enough its still alot more than i was eating before admission. A girl can live on 3 fat free yogurts a day i thought...boy was i wrong.

Leaving food and weight aside,im super paranoid everyone is sick and tired of me,i dont have many visitors apart from family and one good friend. Im scared i have lost all my friends and when i get out they wont want to know me,i mean they MUST be sick of me at this stage,im sick of me.

Anorexia is a very lonely secretive illness. Its selfish and destroys everything it touches,i hate it for what it has done to me,my family,my friends but only i have the power to beat it and i will. I dont know when or how but one day i swear ill be free.

Love Aoifs xxx

Weigh day tomorrow x

F#ck.

That is all.

Admitted x

Well i went to my appointment the day after my last post and they admitted me 'for a few days rest'...over five weeks later im stilll bloody here. Sneaky docters! I wont bore u with the details but basically i sneaked out that night and got as far as Clontarf dart station dosed up on valium when the nurses and docter on call rang they told me the police where at my house waiting for me,hearing this i jumped back on the dart and went back to hospital voluterily yet as soon as i got back they sectioned me.

I actually honestly cant remember alot of it as i hadnt eatin in quite a while and dropped 10 pounds intwo weeks and since ive been here ive lost another 8 pounds. Down went the NG feeding tube as i was physically unstable,bloods were all over the place,low potassium,low magnesium,kidneys and liver struggling and mentally exhausted.

For the first couple of weeks i ate half a fat free yogurt at meal times. Even i can understand thats not enough. But no matter what food they gave me i just could not eat it. Now i am off the NG tube im eating 3 meals a day which are almost always followed by tears. I want to have NOTHING in my tummy,i want to be EMPTY!

Right now im still on bedrest and at 5 st 2lbs which may sound a bit low but i feel it should be lower,like i didnt push my body enough,i should have lost more. When i get to 5 st 7lbs i am allowed to go home and continue my recovery as an outpatient.

Im just scared all my friends are so sick and tired of me,i know this illness hurts more than just me and im sorry for that.

My best friend is having a baby boy on the 27th of January and she has asked me to be godmother. I will HAVE to be well. And i will be.

For now i will fight no matter how scary it may seem xxx

Review tomorrow x

Friday is nearly upon us which means review day at the hospital.

Scared.

I feel like ive gainned which would make 'them' happy.
Im torn in two.
I think the best thing would be if i maintained. I could deal with that.
Mood isnt much better but trying to be positive. 1st of December and all that jazz...got to make an effort.

Took a double dose of Dalmane last night and got less then 2 hours sleep. Its been like this for weeks now. Just cant switch off my silly brain. Ive tried everything i can think of and still wide awake all night and exhausted during the day. Sleep fairies seem to have forgot about me.

I wonder so often lately is recovery really truely possible?

xxx

'Lovely Little Girl' x

Trying to decide what the hell to do with ones life is some task.

And i aint getting any younger at the grand old age of 26 (!)

Since i was at the hospital last friday i have been doing a lot of resting and eating lol. Ive also been researching,looking into different courses,different jobs etc. Since the retail fashion world wasnt for me ive been rethinking and the main things that have come up time and time again not just now but over the years is counselling and psychology or Montessori teaching.

I havent been feeling the best but i had organised a meeting in a local school to help out a few mornings a week in an attempt to pull myself out of this rut. I met with the Principal and i have to say he was the most lovely man...all was going well and then he asks 'Do you eat enough,i cant help notice you are very thin' my anorexia screamed with delight...I wanted to die of embarrassment. I actually could not believe he noticed,it doesnt make sense to me,but my anorexia shouted 'Yesss maybe i am not so fat anymore,got to keep losing.'

He then continued (very nicely) to talk about my health and how i had to focus on getting healthy. He then introduced me to one of the teachers as 'this is the lovely little girl i was telling you about' emmm i was sure i was a 26 year old WOMAN. Anyway the Principal despite all this was very nice and 'just showing his concern' and told me to ring him in January to let him know how i was.

Weirdest interview yet.

Any thoughts on my career choices? Would i be rubbish at both? I have a mountain of information on both subjects so just have to decide by the new year.

Ramble over. Thanks for reading :) xxx

26th Birthday Blues x

Ive missed writing.

I choose not to write for awhile as to be honest I was too busy embracing recovery,learning to live again and loving life...but at the moment im having a blip and need somewhere to vent so i guess thats what brings me back here.

Things were going so well,so well i could hardly believe it was my life. Anorexia never left me as such but i was able to function again and build a life and i felt...happy. Then a little while ago i was getting stressed over a few things mainly work and a personal issue and i started starving through the day and eating too much in the evening because i was just so hungry. The eating so much in the evenings scared me. Terrified me infact and i longed to gain control again. But i didnt really do anything about it until recently.

I had an amazing weekend away in Edinburgh with my friends and it was good to just be 'normal' and eat 'normal'. The day i got home i weighed myself and discovered i was the heaviest i have been in literally years. That day I gave up work and college and fell straight into relapse mode. In two weeks i was down 12 pounds and high as a kite in one way and desperately depressed in another. That initial buzz u get from losing weight,pushing me past the hunger pains. The number on the scales going lower,my jeans getting loser,the eating disorder part of me loved this. But the real me is scared.

Then on my 26th birthday I had an appointment with my psych and dietician. They wanted to admit me that day for a short term admission. I told them i would do everything i could to get back on track if i could stay at home,so i was allowed home with a meal plan and higher dosage of meds and to be reviewed on Friday.

Todays Monday....i have been eating much better. I dont feel much better. A huge part of me feels ive never taken my anorexia far enough. I havent pushed my body far enough. I havent suffered enough. I havent got my weight low enough. I havent been ill enough. And then i know only 9 months ago i was told i could drop dead at any stage and i was a heart attack waiting to happen. But even then. ITS NOT ENOUGH.

I dont know how i have anyone left in my life. Even this post is so self absorbed and pathetic. I deserve to be alone xxx

A view from the other side x

Hey all.

So I just thought id come write here tonight. Its been on my mind recently that i wanted to write and share how different my life is now.

Where to start?

I am the first to admit I am far from perfect,I still have quite a bit of work to do but that will come with time. Since I got discharged in May i have maintained my weight give or take a pound. I mean its gone up a couple of times and back down but it settles around the same weight. Not a 'healthy' weight but definitely a safe weight. I can walk. I can run. I can function. I can get through 5 days a week of college 9-4. I can concentrate. I can learn. I can do. I can eat. I can drink. I can dance all night long.I can socialise. I can enjoy. I can laugh. I can SMILE. 

And its a real smile.

I honestly feel for the first time in 11 years...free.

Happier.

Healthier.

I NEVER thought i would feel these things again.

I thought i lost them a long time ago...turns out they were just in hiding. Anorexia was my whole world. Im ashamed to admit i cared about little else but my illness. It was my everything. It consumed my every waking moment. It was selfish. But i was trapped.

I was also very lucky. 

I convinced myself i was fine.

But deep down i was terrified.

Terrified my team were telling me the truth and that i would die.

Yet also terrified to take the steps to change and leave the ED behind.

There were many moments when i thought dying would be easier. Not just for me. But for anyone who was crazy enough to still care about me.

When I went IP this year I desperately wanted to do as i was told. I wanted to either die or recover. I wasnt really bothered which to be honest,i just knew i couldnt live that way much longer. I wanted to eat. But i simply couldnt allow myself. I had to give up my control and let the NG feed me again.

I put all of my trust in my team,held my hands up and finally accepted help.

I havent really looked back since that day.

Of course i still have wobbles. I am human. We all slip up now and then. The important thing is to acknowledge it and do something about it asap. Hard as that sometimes may be. Its ok to need some help and support,the brave thing to do is speak up and ask for it. It would be so much easier to crawl back into the bubble and let the ED eat away at you.

I really struggle with body image like most women however ive found since startng my fashion blog and having photos taken for my outfit of the day posts has actually really helped. When i look at the pictures im quite surprised by what i see as it does not match up to what i see when i look in the mirror or what my mind still tells me every day. I find it hard to know which is real,whats in those photos or whats in the mirror...

Im very sorry for rambling on and on but my main reason for blogging tonight is to show that recovery from any eating disorder no matter how chronic/severe,no matter how young or old you are,there is ALWAYS hope. Always.

It sounds cheesey but i feel like im finally seeing how amazing life can be for the first time and i never want to lose that. I refuse to return to that very dangerous and scary existance.

Thank you if you read this.

Love Aoifs xxx

Join the fight x

What a difference x

5stone3pounds- a smile that hides the misery.

                                                         6stone8pounds- a real smile

Its only now looking back at photos i can see how ill i was and how much healthier i am now. That first picture isnt ME it is pure anorexia and it scares me. I saw my therapist A today and cried...cried because i am scared of relapse. I can say from my heart i never want to fall into the grips of anorexia again. Sure i have days where i feel fat and huge etc but i am beginning to LIVE and guess what? Its pretty damn good.

I find it hard to accept the weight gain but i guess most girls are the same if their weight goes up from time to time,us girls are never happy are we? LOL.

Life is far too short to let an ed rule your life. Please anyone who is reading this and needs help,go for it. It is so worth the fight. During recovery its not just weight u gain,its your health,friends,partners,jobs,college, pretty much your whole life.And it is so much more exciting than counting calories ;o)

'Ive had a taste of paradise,thats all i really need to make me stay...i wont look back.'

xxx

HOTTT new docter&a shopping trip!

Omfg docter whats his name ( i was too busy eyeing him up to remember) who was filling in for my usual Dr M was absolutely YUMILICIOUS! I found it quite hard to control my girlie giggles and outrageous flirting (shameful i know) to even answer his questions and then damn it i saw IT. THE WEDDING RING :o(

And that was the end of that love affair.

Saw my dietician Y,have dropped a couple of klios but determined to regain asap. Y was very helpful in reminding me what an awful dangerous place i was in at the start of the year and do i really really want to go back to that?

No.

I was near Dundrum shopping centre,it would have been rude not to pop in. I seemed to have gone a little over budget but almost everything i got was on sale so its ok REALLY....

I picked up these beauties in the AWEAR sale reduced down to 25euro...i am in love with them-

I popped into the Laundry Room and got a little white dress perfect for summer and reduced to just 15euro. While i was there i spotted this cute little black and white jumper also in the sale reduced to 20euro.

I got this cute little top in Penneys for 13euro and thought it would go great with some black jeans and my electric blue flats i posted previously.

And finally i had a pair of jeans i wanted to exchange in Bershka so i swapped them for a pair of hot pink skinnies!!!

Ok NO MORE SHOPPING until wednesday...promise....kind of.

xxx