Struggling x

Today is bad.

Havent felt this down in quite a while.

Giving in to the ed seems the only solution.

I was supposed to join my friends for dinner and drinks this evening and i had to let them down and cancel,i just couldnt cope with the food today. I feel so guilty cancelling. Im a b*tch. A bloody FAT b*tch!!!

I cant deal with being this weight...i cant....i just cant.

Im sorry xxx

Success x

Today i hit my next target of a BMI of 16.

This has left me torn in two.

I feel a sense of acomplishment,i feel like ive achieved something,and ive done it OUTSIDE of hospital and without a tube up my nose!!!

On the other hand,my heart sank a little bit. Its so hard to let go. Move on. Throw out those bloody skinny jeans.

I FEEL huge.

But i refuse to let it stop me living and having fun. After all do my friends and family really care that if ive gainned weight,will they stop talking to me just cause ive got some junk in my trunk? ;o) I really hope not lol.

Here are my outfits from the past couple of days-

Thats all for now lovelies xxx

Ups & downs of Recovery x

So yesterday i got myself in a right state over the jeans situation. But after talking it through and calming down,i woke up this morning and reminded myself its a new day and i can choose to be healthy in my decisions and so i had breakfast even though i felt like crying with each bite.

Its so weird how some days i can eat almost anything i fancy and not freak out over it and then other days i struggle to eat a fat free yogurt.

I went on a date today,my first proper date in a longgg time and omg it was so brilliant. I had such a lovely time and D is absolutely lovely (and a GREAT kisser) lol so were going on another date next week which im looking forward to already.

This was another step in recovering in my opinion,letting new people into my life,as before the anorexia was so strong there was no room for anyone or anything else in my life. Finally things seem to be coming together,starting college,dating,moving out in a few months...i guess im trying to build a life outside of anorexia.

I never thought i could feel happy....normal....but im finally feeling those things and it sounds so simple but for me its amazing.

Life is damn good. Even if i have a fat ass now LOL ;o)

FAT x

Ugh.

I feel disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And destructive. I need to do something to make me feel better but anything i can think of doing is not a healthy way of coping.

Dinner is sitting in my already bloated tum and i want it out. I want to be empty.

:-(

Sorry my self absorbed moaning,normal business shall resume tomorrow x

Appointment&Girls day out x

I had an appointment with A today. It went pretty well i think...we talked about relapse prevention and what i can do to make sure it doesnt happen-

-Know my triggers
-Tell one of my team
-Write/blog
-Be as honest as possible
-Remember how hard it was to get this far

We also talked about starting college and how i would manage food wise! Theres a canteen where most people seem to go. The idea of this is a little scary seen as i dont know the people and i dont know the menu. I could of course bring in a packed lunch but i dont want to stand out,i want to be as normal as possible and not draw attention to myself. Hopefully ill be making new friends (have alrready got quite friendly with a guy D....yes we are going on a day date on saturday eeeeeeeeeeek so nervous already!) and i want to be able to join them in the canteen for lunch rather than retreating to a classroom on my own to eat lunch! Im not really sure what the best thing i could do is....anyone been in a similar situation or have any suggestions,would be hugely appriciated!

After my appointment i had a fab girlie day out in town with one of my favouritest people N. We had a lovely long lunch in Avoca (Their brown bread is to die for) followed by some shopping! I got a fab dress in H&M for 30euro-

The grey belt was only 2euro from penneys! I also got some cute grey little shoe booties at 15euro from penneys-

I REALLY have to curb my shopping addiction....ive decided no more shopping until wednesday. I have just enough in my purse left to live on for the weekend lol! Oh to win the lotto......

xxx

Courage x

Updates x

Hey guys!

Just back from another week in the sun....yes i am jammy!!!! It was a lovely relaxing week which saw me shop every morning,sunbathe every afternoon and go out for dinner each evening (something i actually ENJOY doing these days!).

Back to rainny Dublin now and back to reality! About a month ago i got offered a place at college to do a fast track to employment course which i am delighted about however i still havent started it yet which is rather frustrating me,im not the most patient of people! The thing that seems to be holding everything up is the medical. College obviously werent completely happy with it as they now want me to be assessed be THEIR psych which is happening tomorrow morning. Hopefully i can prove myself sane enough for them to take me on LOL ;-) and then i can finally start after the summer break (end of august).

Im seeing A (my therapist&social worker) on thursday which im looking forward to,she can be really helpful with practical stuff along with everything else and is invaluable!!!

Im not back to see my psych (Dr.M)or dietician(Y) until next week which means weigh in time! Im sure with all those dinners out and the glorious strawberry cheesecake ice cream i indulged in my weight should still be going up...i just hope its not jumped up a scary amount. I can deal with a couple of pounds but anything more and i know it will freak me out!

Now onto the good stuff! SHOPPING!!! I got this fab yellow dress in Topshop reduced from 75euro to 15euro! I had been looking at it when it first hit the shops but couldnt justify buying it at the price it was and then today there it was one left in the sale....PERFECT.

I also popped into pennys and got a couple of light knitted jumpers (Yes i know its summer but this IS ireland!).

I picked up these cute flats in the River Island sale,they were reduced to 14euro!

Thats all for now lovelies,im all shopped out....until tomorrow.... :o) xxx

Insomnia x

Cannot get a wink of sleep these nights and it is driving me absolutely nuts. I end up going for a power nap during the day at some stage which helps a little but with college starting soon i really cant continue like this! I cant understand why i cant get any shut eye,the only 'bad' thing on my mind is the uncomfortable feeling i have with my body after gaining 20lbs. It sounds shallow and i know there are SO many more important things than weight but anorexia is like any other addiction,bloody hard to kick especially after so many years. My mind is trained into an eating disordered way of thinking and gaining so much weight goes against every thing my my head is telling me.

Im getting quite worked up about starting college,i am so scared im going to mess it up like all the other times,i HAVE to make this work. Have to.

Ive been seeing ALOT more of my friends recently which has been really great,i didnt realize just how much fun i was missing out on,ive quite a bit of catching up to do so there is no stopping me now!

Im seeing my psych and dietician on friday and i actually cannot wait for some much needed reassurance. My weight is still going up slowly. My heart knows this is a good thing,my head is screaming i need to lose.

For now....im listening to my heart xxx

Dont be fooled x

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them is the real me. 

So don't be fooled; I'm good at pretending. I give the impression that I'm cool and confidant, but inside it's different. I'm not in command, I'm often confused, lonely and I desperately need someone to understand me. 

But I hide and don't want anyone to know. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind. I'm afraid to show you the real me. I chatter idly to you about everything, but tell you nothing of what's going on inside me: my fears, my worries, my doubts. 

So, when I'm talking please listen carefully, and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to say but I can't. 

I dislike the superficial game that I'm playing. I'd like to be genuine, honest and sincere but I cannot without your help. 

My trust grows very slowly, so you will have to be very patient with me. Each time you try to understand I am given new hope, and I start to believe in myself in a new way. You let me see that it's OK to be me. 

So I can take off the mask and be happy in your company. I can let you see the real me. Who am I? - You may wonder. I am someone you know very well. For I am every person that you meet. 

Its been a while...x

Hey guys....not sure anyone reads this anymore but i will write anyway cause it helps to vent and boy do i need to vent today!!!

So ive been home about 5 weeks now i think and everything has been going surprisingly well. I have felt...dare i say it...HAPPY. I have been maintaining a bmi of 15. I have been eating every day. I havent purged. I havent taken laxatives. I havent over exercised. I havent restricted. I have smiled. I have laughed. I have had fun. I have lived...

Today however i have not felt myself.

I had another appointment at the breast care clinic today to talk about getting the breast cancer gene test done. The consultant said i was high risk but that they would keep a close eye on me. Hes sending me for an MRI just precaution and referring me to the genetics department. If the test proves positive it means i am 85% certain to develop breast cancer. Its a little bit scary thinking about it all.

Recently my mum has been on my mind. And even in my dreams. I dont know why this is. But shes there. They are quite distressing dreams rather than happy ones....i think i will go back on the dalmane and maybe that will help somehow.

Today i have felt strong urges to restrict. I didnt. But i really wanted to. I didnt give in. I ate. But it didnt feel good. It felt wrong.

Im finding it hard to accept the changes in my body if im really honest. My bones are disappearing under layers of fat. It doesnt hurt as much when i sit/lie down. My face is full. My tummy round. My clothes tight.

Despite this,i have no intention of going back to anorexia. I could not put my body through that again. I could not put my dad through it again. I could not put my some very amazing supportive friends through it again.

Today was just hard.

I will keep fighting.

xxx