Be Body Confidant like Louise x

Love this lady!

Listen up girls!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa5aaA-zvxY

Love Aoifs xXx

Day 12... x

...of eating well.

I have no idea if i have gained or lost weight.

I PRESUME i have gained.

Im staying far away from the scales.

The important thing is to be eating well.

Still with very little compensations.

But im not perfect ;o)

I have slipped up.

But everyone does dont they?

Just got to keep swimming.

Its strange. I think i can accept a weight gain but im afraid of what others will think of me.

People expect me not to eat.

People expect me to be thin.

Because thats what anorexia looks like to people doesnt it?

Well what if i want to eat?

What if i just want to be normal?

What if i dont what to be defined by 'anorexia'?

In afraid to change.

But im doing it.

I may only be 12 days in this time round but its 12 days closer to freedom.

Please if you could think of my friend who is not very well and in a high dependency unit at the moment.

The harsh reality of anorexia.

Keep fighting Sarah xXx

3 days in x

So its wednesday nite...well technically thursday morning but hey!

Which means its 3 days since i promised Sarah and myself i would really throw myself into recovery and bloody concentrate and put all my efforts into getting well...and thats exactly what ive been doing.

Im eating. Eating well. With little or no compensations. 

It feels...

UNCOMFORTABLE.

To say the least.

But ive been here before,many a time and i want to make this the last time.

I really truely do.

Sometimes we push our bodies to the brink and it is only when we get a shock we realise what weve been doing to ourselves all along...and sometimes,sometimes...that may be just too late.

My little friend still has air in her lungs which to me means there is still hope.

She is trying,i know she is. And i believe in her.

Sarah if youre reading this,prove the docters wrong.

Show them the strength i know you have hidden inside you.

You can beat it!!!

See you tomorrow munchkin,sleep tight.

Love Aoifs xXx

A special promise to be unbroken x

This morning i made a very precious friend a promise i would fight and not give up until i got better.

This is a promise i cannot break.

I will NOT break.

I dont care if i have a bad day or a 100 bad days.

I will eat.

Everyone deserves to eat.

Theres nothing wrong with eating.

Eating will do nothing but give me my life back.

I will no doubt come here and moan and cry about being fat and wanting to give up.

But i wont give up.

I cant now.

Im in it til i win it!!!!!!!!!

The pink cupcake is for you Sarah.

Love Aoifs xXx

Cant find the way out x

'And i know its crazy...but thats the state im in.'

Escaped to our country home this week and it was nice to get away for a few days.

I just wish i could get away from my head.

I had a chat with dad before we went that i would really try get back on track with eating again.

And i did to some extent.

I did good Monday and Tuesday and then got food poisoning and of course i took this as a sign i shouldnt have ate all i had,that it was a sign i ate too much,a sign i should stick to my more restrictive diet.

And so back i go.

I know letting myself fall back isnt a great thing but losing weight is the only thing that seems to help lift the depression a little.

I want to be small again.

Tiny.

Disappear maybe.

'I cant escape my thoughts.'

Love Aoifs xXx

How the world looks x

"From the outside looking in, you cant understand it...from the inside looking out, you cant explain it."

Love Aoifs xXx

Losing hope x

Love Aoifs xXx

Thoughts x

What made me swallow those 82 tablets three weeks ago?

How do i answer that question without sounding mad?

The question in itself suggests i may be mad...

I remember taking them and feeling calm.

Scared but calm.

I wanted to just sleep.

Sleep and not wake up.

I thought it would be enough.

I thought i would die.

I had hoped i would die.

Sometimes i wish it had of been enough.

Sometimes im glad it wasnt.

Im embarrassed and ashamed by my actions.

Please understand i thought i was doing the right thing for everybody involved.

I realise that may sound crazy now but i thought it at the time.

Friends have fallen away,family barely keep in touch,i honestly didnt think anyone but dad would truely care if i died. And for those i thought might care i thought it would be a relief for them. Theyve seen me in and out of hospital year after year never truely recovering.

I am a burden and i simply worry those who do still care.

I am selfish.

But most of all im sorry.

Ive had some amazing support from some people and thats why,

I will try harder.

Love Aoifs xXx