A small glimpse into anorexia x

I am learning recently,i cannot be alone at home without ed behaviours taking over.

Alone i am a disaster.

I am 26 and simply cant take care of myself on my own.

Its beyond ridiculous.

I can be 'normal' when im with friends/family. I cope. I think i put on a good show.

Now that i have gainned a good bit of weight i appear 'normal'.

However my thoughts are still extremely eating disordered.

I weigh myself 6 times a day.

When i go on holidays my scales comes with me.

If the number is higher than acceptable,i must compensate.

I know its an unhealthy obsession.

However when i dont know my exact weight,my anxiety is sky high.

I will restrict or starve. I will purge. I will exercise. I will take boxes of laxatives.

I am not proud of these things. Anorexia isnt something to be proud of. Its not a phase or a way to get attention. It has the highest death rate out of all mental illnesses.

I hate it more than anything but Im not going to hide and be ashamed anymore.

I want people to know the truth. The reality.

 And i guess thats why i started this blog in the first place xXx

Falling back and pushing forward x

I fear i may actually be losing the plot. 

My mood is all over the place...either very low or flying high.

One day i feel strong and determined and want to continue with recovery,the next day i dont want any food to pass my lips and losing all the weight ive gainned is my only goal in life. And that is pathetic.

Since my team wanted to admitt me a few weeks ago,i have turned things around and stopped losing weight. Infact i have gainned two pounds back. 

Ive been out for meals with friends,had cocktails,gone dancing,doing everything i can to fight back and get out there and live life.

But anorexia still consumes my every thought.

Its still the most important thing in my life,which i hate but i know only i can change.

I was looking at old pictures of when i was a healthy weight and a terrible sadness came over me. I look happy and healthy. I WAS happy and healthy. 

What happened? 

How did i allow myself to get to a point where late last year I couldnt walk from my room to the bathroom,i was in a wheelchair,being tube fed and on complete bedrest for 8 weeks. I didnt admitt it at the time but i was scared. I felt like something had completely taken me over and i had no power left.

I have to go back and remember these things so i can push forward and be reminded i cant go back to that place.

So i am in limbo. I am no longer at a dangerous weight nor am i healthy but somewhere in the middle. Right now i feel i could go either way.

I can understand how someone without an ed would see this as an easy choice...but letting go and moving on seems so impossible at times.

I cant fight it for myself at the moment but i will for my dad,my mum,my granbeag and the amazing friends who are still here beside me. I am lucky really. 

Very lucky.

xXx

Striving to be 'normal' x

I have the urge to write here tonight.

I am in constant conflict to write here or not. I think it was good to take a little break from it at least. Writing definitely helps. My psych says i have a talent for it...HA.

I feel tearful and low at the moment. I had a lovely day. I went for lunch with two of my bestest friends and my godson. It was nice. I managed lunch fine. I enjoyed it. Of course the guilt came after. But thats ok. Im used to that feeling. The important thing is not acting on it.

Since my last post i have gone through a restrictive phase and my weight has gone down but not drastically so. The problem is once u start restricting its hard to stop.

After months of doing well i had almost forgot the feeling of an empty tummy,the dizzy spells,the complete lack of energy. It all came back and fast.

I have become expert at eating normal around friends and family. I sit there happily munching away joinning in conversation and just taking part. Can they see through me? The panic? The terror? Can they see im wondering how much ill have to restrict to compensate for that meal? How much ill have to exercise in the middle of the night while dads asleep in the next room? How many boxes of laxatives ill have to go through trying to find a chemist that doesnt remember me from before,desperately searching like a drug addict needing their fix.

I enjoy food. But i dont deserve it. I dont need it. I have reserves.

Last week my team wanted me admitted. This week we decided on a different plan. Meds increased to max dose. Psych appointment every week. Psychotherapist appointment every week. Stick to my meal plan. This was decided on wednesday and i have done my part since then.

I look at friends who have recovered and i wonder why i havent got there yet. Ive got close a few times now but i always run back. Always.

It was easier when i looked sick. People knew there was something wrong. Now i am fat and i smile and i eat in company and laugh while doing so...i appear dare i say it 'normal'.

What im most afraid of is being alone,many friends have slipped away from me and i worry they all will.

I will eat and drink and go to my appointments.

And i will smile....

xXx