A month of freedom :o)

Hello!

Just thought i would do a little update even if its only me reading it lol ;o)

I saw my psych yesterday and i think it may have been the best appointment ive had in years!!! Seriously lol! I didnt even have to have bloods done! I got weighed as usual and it was up a considerable amount but i knew that already so it wasnt a huge shock to me. Dr. M was delighted,she said i was doing fantasticly well and that was beyond proud of me. And not just because i have been gainning weight. She said i looked and sounded so much happier and that she could see my attitude to recovery had totally changed.

Usually all of this would freak me out,but instead it felt great.

I had a big clearout of the clothes that are too small for me now...which was hard but needed to be done. No going back now.

I never thought it possible to feel this way,to be at this weight and cope with it. Im not exactly happy with it but coping with it is good enough for now. Dr. M reminded me im still underweight but i dont think its noticeable at all anymore,which is a good thing as i dont want to be seen as an eating disorder or someone who isnt healthy,i just want to be as normal as possible.

This day next week im off to the sunshine for two weeks and then not back at the hospital until the 27th april so have lots of time to prove i can handle things on my own and without my weekly appointments.

If anyone with an eating disorder is reading this please never give up hope in recovery because no matter how long u have been ill or what age you are it is never too late to recover. I didnt think it was possible but im proving myself wrong every single day.

xxx

Right and wrong x

Bam...

Reality hits.

I am freaking huge.

Every part of me is getting bigger by the day.

Ugh.

I just want to hide from the world until i lose all this fat.

But i wont.

Cant give up now.

Just wish it was a wee bit easier.

Im doing what is right,what is healthy...why does it feel so wrong sometimes?

xxx



Up up and away x

Hey all!

I wanted to write because i cant quite believe the change in myself over the last few months and i want to have it here incase i need a reminder that i actually felt this way as i know recovery is never a stright road.

I have really kind of 'let go' of my rigid ed behaviours and just...relaxed. It feels odd but in a good way. Obviously as i have made this change to my diet,my weight has of course gone up. But i am feeling ok with it as i know i am still underweight and need to keep gaining until i am healthy again. This is the closest i have come in years and although that is pretty great its also rather scary!

Who am i without my ed?

What will occupy my thoughts when its gone?

Can i live without it?

I dont know.

I want to be 'normal' so badly at this stage but Im not sure i can cope with gainning much more weight. To be honest i feel huge at this weight but i am not and will not let those feelings affect my recovery. If i listen to that voice in my head i know i will stop eating again and go back to square one and for what? I want a life that doesnt revolve around hospital addmissions or even hospital appointments every week. I want to be free of all that and leave that life behind. I guess i am well and truely on my way though :o)

Next month im off to the sunshine for two weeks with daddy R,and i am going to make sure and not take anorexia with us :o)

Love Aoifs xxx 

Moving on x

Hey guys!

I keep meaning to write but cant seem to find the words...so please excuse if this is rather rambley (is that even a word?!).

I think i have really taken some huge steps in how im thinking lately. Maybe as my weight is going up im becoming more logical or something i dont know? Is that how it works? Being thin used to be all i cared about and now it seems so...unimportant...its taken a back seat...

When i stop and think about my anorexia it makes me so angry at myself. When i look back at my blogs and see me repeating the same cycle and saying the same things over and over again,falling into the same traps,im sad. Some people might say dont look back etc. But i think sometimes we have to stop and look back in order to move forward.

I want to be as free as i can be. Im scared to leave this huge part of my life completely behind but i have to. I refuse to accept anorexia is with me forever. I dont want to be remembered as a disease. I want to be a good friend,daughter,mother,wife not just an anorexic. I want a full and healthy life and i wont stop until i get it,however long it takes.

"The man says, "I will climb this mountain.They told me it is too high, too far, too steep, too rocky and too difficult.But it's my mountain.I will climb it.You will soon see me waving from the top or dead on the side from trying." 

Love Aoifs xxx
 

New meds&Art therapy x

Hey guys,

I havent wrote in awhile...well its not been that long but it feels that long....if you know what i mean...hmmm.

Anyway i wasnt really writing cause things had been quite up and down but i finially feel like things are leveling out which is probably down to the new anti depressant i started about a month ago. Think it has finally kicked in and not a  moment too soon. Instead of being so uptight about my increasing weight im learning to accept it,it is going up ever so slowly each week or else staying the same. At first i was mad at myself for letting this happen. Letting my body have the fuel it needs. Not losing weight. It felt/feels wrong to be 'nice' to it and just eat what i need for it to function.

Of course those fat feelings havent disappeared but im learning once again to try and irgnore them and just get on with life with the support of Vincints. Tomorrow i am meeting the new art therapist to see if i am suitable for a place. I have done art therapy before and to be honest i found it useless. So i am a bit judgemental but said i would at least meet C (the art therapist) and see what she thought about it. Its a special course just for people with eating disorders which is another reason why i am not keen on going. My anorexia is fiercly competitiive and i fear it will trigger me if the other patients are really thin,especially with me being near my heaviest.

Has anyone out there any thoughts on Art therapy?

Im still having weigh in and bloods every friday but am hoping soon to reduce that to every two weeks. Im still waiting on psycotherapy to start. Who knows when that will be lol.

Anyway now that i am a fully fledged grown up and am living alone i best go sort out something for tea!!!

Love Aoifs xxx