Weight up,mood down x

Had my usual friday check up at the hospital and my weight was up a bit. Docter delighted. Aoifs not so much. Feel like breaking down the whole time and that is pathetic.

Got my bloods done that morning and the hospital rang me that night as magnesium has dropped yet again. This has been a consistant problem since my last admission even though ive had quite little active ed behaviours. Anyway im taking the supplements and they have just been uped!

My meal plan is out the window. One day ill have 2000 cals and the next 200 cals. I know i need to eat consistantly and have my meals and snacks but its all or nothing at the moment and i prefer nothing to be honest. Especially seeing my weight go up.

I feel disgusting at this weight. They want me to gain more. Eugh.

When i restrict or starve or purge i feel so much better in my head. Even if its bad for my body.

Giving up for today xxx

Recovery is possible x

Pancake please x

Hey guys.

So its pancake tuesday here and you cant excape it. And well for once i wasnt trying to escape it. Infact i looked forward to it and enjoyed it. Eh i think thats a big F*ck you to anorexia!!! I hope whoever u are and where ever u are u enjoyed ur pancakes :o) #not so scary after all.

I was just thinking ive only been living in my new apartment since friday and it feels like forever already. In a good way. Although of course i miss Daddy Ryan it was about time i took a leap of faith and gave myself the chance to see if i can stay as well as possible living alone and fending for myself. The way i see it is,i have to learn to take care of myself at some stage,i might as well go for it. Now or never. I cant live in a hospital or clinic or with my dad forever. Its time to grow up and move on. If only it was as simple as that though lol.

I have plently of safe food in and some quite scary food. Well actually i did have. I gathered up any food i felt i couldnt handle and gave them to dad to take home. I just dont want to look at them or have them near me. If i want something different or more challenging ill pop to tesco and buy it then. No big deal. Like today,i wanted a pancake so i had one. No drama.

Winning the war...

Love Aoifs xxx



ED Awareness Week x

Hi guys,

Well its that time of year again...(most of you probably wouldnt know what im talking about as it doesnt get as much coverage as it needs) but yes tomorrow marks the beginning of eating disorder awareness week.

The numbers of people,children,women and men suffering from some form of eating disorder are rising rapidly which is pretty scary,especially seen as vast amount of people suffer in silence and go untreated so we have no idea of the actual number of cases there truely is.

Whats also scary is we only have THREE public beds for eating disorders in the whole country. Absolutely unbelievable. If you are not lucky enough to get one of them theres not much choice but to go private presuming you have health insurance that is. A new clinic opened recently in Dublin and it costs 4500euro per WEEK. Then of course theres the matter of waiting lists....you could be dead by the time a bed becomes available and i dont say that lightly.

I personally have been extremely lucky to have a fantastic team working with me and supporting me every step of the way and i know if it wasnt for them looking out for me i wouldnt be here writing this. I would be another tragic statistic.

Eds are not 'just a phase' or 'a cry for help' or about how good and 'skinny' a person wants to look,they are serious life threaening illnesses which should be taken seriously no matter how trivial they may seem to some people.

If anyone reading this in Ireland needs support i urge you to talk to someone and BODYWHYS the eating disorder organisation is a great place to start. They will listen and not judge and they will simply guide you in getting the help you need and deserve.

http://www.bodywhys.ie/aboutUs/eating-disorders-awareness-week-2012/

Thanks so much for reading.

Love Aoifs xxx



A perfectly 'normal' day x

Hey guys,

Well its saturday night and im snuggled up in bed with only my laptop and hot choclate for comfort. To be honest im glad im not out on the town,am exhausted after a day out with S. I dont know why i should be tired,we just sat on our bums and ate hahaha. Well we took a little wander around the shops,then went to see a movie and got pic and mix (EEK) and then dinner (Double EEK) but thats a normal day right? Ok maybe not pic and mix EVERY day (Damn it) lol. It was good to see S,although her honesty cuts through me like a knife sometimes,i love the girl but man is she blunt sometimes!!!

Anyway great day,came home,wasnt feeling guilty really after my indulgance and then what do i do? Yep you guessed it...the f*cking scales screamed at me to check,just a little peek and i obliged. I have to be the biggest loser going,i know the power the numbers have over me and yet i repeatdly set myself up for failure. If the numbers up (which it was...) i freak but team are happy,if numbers down i calm down,feel more at ease but team are not at all happy. Its just a f*cking number!!!!

But im coping with it,earlier this year it would have thrown me back full force into my anorexia,now i dont like it but im dealing with it and hey thats got to count for something?

Love Aoifs xxx

A bad day x

Hello!

Today has just been shit. Food. Mood. Blah. Pathetic.

Also my cousin D died three years ago today and although i wasnt close to her at all really it reminds me of mum. I feel for D's family. I feel the heartache. I know what its like to miss someone and know it will never go away.

We all lose someone we love at some stage of course....but it never seems to get any easier.

For me personally i use my anorexia to cope with any bad feelings or memories. As soon as mum comes to mind i almost automatically turn to food and weight. Its a good distraction. I dont let her in. I try not to let myself miss her. I dont *usually look at photos of her. I dont share my memories of her. Its beyond awful but its almost like she was never here in ways,like i have blocked her out. I must be the worst daughter in the world.

Again this is another reason in a long list as to why i dont deserve to be well and happy.

Love Aoifs xxx

A giant leap x

Hi guys,

So its finally happening,im really moving out and living on my own! Found this cute and cosy little apartment in good location near bus,dart,shops,its perfect! I just have to add a touch of aoifs fairydust around the place and ill be good to go. Get the keys friday :o)

This will be a HUGE test especially re recovery. On my own with no one to tell me to eat or when to eat or what to eat. I know i could get myself into big trouble if i listened to the anorexia,but this is my chance to prove people wrong. I want to be responsible and cope on my own without relapsing.

Packing is a nightmare. I have soooo many clothes. I mean i knew that already but actually trying to pack it all....its ridiculous!!! Ill be leaving a good bit of stuff in the attic i think! A good/bad thing about moving out is ill have to pay rent (bills included) and for groceries etc so i will have no choice but to curb my shopping addiction.

A giant leap into the big bad world!

Love Aoifs xxx

Letting go x

So so sorry for my last post.

I was going to delete it but i like being honest and why should i delete the truth. Nobody can be positive all the time. Recovery  most definitely has its ups and downs and that is whats real.

My more reasonable head is back on and i havent let my mini meltdown mess things up to much at all. I did lose some of the weight i gainned but according to my psych i coped with things much better than she thought i would-dont know how to take that lol! And weight is definitely not the be all and end all.

Yes i am heavier but also healthier. I have not resorted to ed behaviours a huge amount. Sure they have crept in and i have dabbled in them but i have pulled myself out almost as fast as i fell in to them. I know there will be many more of these bumps in the road but i am ready for them.

I think once you make the decision to let go and be ready to do absolutely anything you can in order to free yourself of your eating disorder it gets a hell of a lot easier. I wont lie,im not there yet and various friends,family and pros have noticed this. But i want to be in that place. I really do.

Ive seen people recover...and it AMAZES me. Like actually amazes me,because i know how hard it is to even try. But it shows hope,it shows its possible. If my friends can recover,why cant i?

Its in my hands and i know that.

Now to let go...



Love Aoifs xxx

Tears x

A constant flow of tears.

I gainned 4 pounds in a week. FOUR.

I was uncontrollable at the hospital yesterday they wanted to admitt me.

How possibly can gainning be such a good thing when it makes u feel so horribly horribly :( I know its stupid and pathetic to some but i really dont think i can stick with this :( How many times have i said 'this time ill get better' never gona happen,i am useless. I can NOT cope with weight gain. I simply cant. I am a useless and pathetic mess.

I am NOTHING. Nothing without anorexia.

Alone.

I have to be strong and control my cravings. I can not allow food in me. Maybe some non fat yogurt if i really *need* it.

Dying would be easier,quicker....i was so close...another week or so and i would have been gone apparently. I shouldnt have let them near me.

xxx